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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 970
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My Joke Thread.Page 15 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Tree Huggers

While walking through the Colorado Aspen forests a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 972
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/12/2006 9:17:13 AM
Senior Halloween



An older couple had not gone out for Halloween in a long time. They decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, "you're going out like that?" "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a****tator."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 973
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Posted: 10/12/2006 9:24:48 AM
Why We Love Children!

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 974
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Posted: 10/12/2006 9:40:38 AM
Italian lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 975
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Posted: 10/13/2006 1:33:06 PM
Scotts Wedding

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding............

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
 itsmeinco
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 976
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Posted: 10/14/2006 11:41:14 AM
The FBI has reported that an entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen.

They haven't identified the suspects, except to say that they are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 982
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Posted: 10/18/2006 8:52:05 PM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 983
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Posted: 10/19/2006 7:21:29 PM
Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke!

Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten **stard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 984
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Posted: 10/23/2006 3:53:33 PM
Pantyhose quiz

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of
pantyhose?

Now, think about it...










Ready?



Answer:

10 little piggies

2 calves

1 ass

and an unknown number of hares.

And of course one (1) p u s s y
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 985
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Posted: 10/24/2006 5:41:02 AM
A Canadian made the Darwin List in 2006. Well, maybe we aren't proud of ALL Canadians!

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual
honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This
year's winner was a real rocket scientist... really!

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of
the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur
rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found
a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car,
jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0
miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and
melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted
the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and
fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed
to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground
speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the
ground.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 987
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Posted: 10/25/2006 12:42:38 PM
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
ady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 988
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Posted: 10/31/2006 5:02:22 PM
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," He says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something.

"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 989
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Posted: 10/31/2006 5:31:45 PM
A Few Canadian Jokes

CANADIAN JOKE #1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

============================================================



CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of
beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."


=======================================================



CANADIAN JOKE #3

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked,
"Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The guy was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.

However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain,
the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.

He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"


===========================================================

CANADIAN JOKE #4


Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.


==========================================================



CANADIAN JOKE #5

In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.



===========================================================



CANADIAN JOKE #6

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.

They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue.

Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU **stard!!!"



============================================================



CANADIAN JOKE #7

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.

============================================================



CANADIAN JOKE #8

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.

St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.

So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.
 jheldatksuedu
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 992
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:05:06 AM
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today??"
"There's something wrong with my d i c k, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told old you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

---------------------******----------------------------

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 993
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Posted: 11/2/2006 2:37:28 PM
Psyc Test...


Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.



A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy
she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there,
but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

(Give this some thought before you answer). SCROLL DOWN.































Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question correctly good for you.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 994
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Posted: 11/2/2006 4:35:49 PM
Great Senior Moment!





A very self-important college freshman attending a football game, took it
upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.



"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing ...and," pausing to take another drink of beer......



The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so
we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing
for the next generation?"





I love senior citizens!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 999
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Posted: 11/13/2006 2:24:23 PM
Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the fall weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked...






I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1001
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Posted: 11/19/2006 8:57:59 AM
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only
underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your
nuts."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1002
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Posted: 11/20/2006 7:11:16 AM
Seven Kinds of Sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1003
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Posted: 11/22/2006 1:13:25 PM
What am I?

RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS
OF BOTH SEXES.

IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSLEY
FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES
QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING
WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN
QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY
MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY,
FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH
WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE
OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND
CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS
RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY
REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE
TIMES A DAY,BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I?



AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,

THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...

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TOOTHBRUSH ...

what were you thinking?

You PERVERT!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1006
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/28/2006 2:32:49 PM
The bunny and the snake


Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, you're covered with soft fur,you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.

" Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paws, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor, human resources staff member, or possibly someone in senior management."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1007
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:06:35 AM
FACTS TO PONDER:


Physicians:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.


>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

I have withheld the statistics on lawyers

for fear the shock would cause

people to panic and seek medical attention
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1008
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:16:10 AM
Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No,"I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a $hit?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1009
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:20:30 AM
This conversation will exhaust you but it happens every day in Paris. Save your airfare and read this conversation instead!!!

In a busy Parisian cafe, a tourist is sitting alone, enjoying a crème caramel.
Another tourist approaches...

Me sit here?

No problem...

Thank you, very nice...

Are you on vacation?

Me, I arrive yesterday...

What country are you from?

Norway. You?

From Quebec.

Quebec? Me not know Quebec...

Quebec... near the Atlantic, next to Ontario, the Great Lakes...

No, me not know these places.

Never mind then, I'm from Canada...

Ah! Canada! Canada I know! So why you tell me you come from Quebec?

Because, my first country is Quebec!

Oh, you were born in Quebec and immigrated to Canada....

No, no, I was born in Quebec and I stay in Quebec...

Oh, then your father is from Canada?

No, no, my father, my mother, my wife, my dog, everybody, they come from Quebec....

So why you say Canada?

For Christ sake, because you say you don't know where is Quebec!

OK, but if you say you not know Norway, me I not say that my country is Japan...

Shit! Canada isn't Japan. Canada, it's my country.

Oh, your country not Quebec anymore?...

My country is Quebec. But my country, it can be Canada too, if the person I speak to not know where is Quebec, Tabarnak!

Me not understand...

Look, it's simple: I come from the Province of Quebec, in the country of Canada.

Ok! But me not ask you what province you're from, I ask you what country. Me, I come from Lofoten region in Norway, but I answer you Norway when you ask me what country I come from...

I know, I'm not stupid, Coulisse! But me, when they ask me what country I come from, I answer Quebec. Even if it's the name of my province. For me, it's my country.

Oh, now I understand. You are a separatist, you want your Quebec province to be your country...

Are you crazy, Hostie? I don't want to know nothing from that shit!

Me, I not understand anything anymore.

I tell you before, it's simple! You ask me what country I come from, I answer Quebec because Quebec is my country, but I don't really want it to be my country, it would be too much trouble. I just want to say it. So, why don't you just let me say it?

Me all mix up. You have passport from what country: Quebec or Canada?

CANADA, Hostie!

So why you not tell me Canada right away?

Because it don't feel right. For me, Canada is Anne Murray, the Calgary Stampede, the Mounted Police, SARS, it's not my home all that. Home, it's La Famille Plouffe, Saraphin Poudrier, La P'tite Vie, Falix Leclerc, La Poune, Les Canadiens de Montreal, Les Bougons... Do you understand???

Less and less...

Listen, forget all that shit. Ask me another question.

Ok, what town you come from?

Mmm..., I don't know anymore...

You not know what town you come from?

Yes, yes, I know what town I come from, but my town it merge with another town, but soon it is going to demerge from the town that was supposed to be my town...

Oh, that very complicated! When you write your address, what do you write?

I don't know anymore. Before, I used to write Hull, but Hull changed to Gatineau, but they tell us to wait 3 years before stopping to write Hull to not mix up the mailman. But now, the Liberals they pass a law that make it ok for Gatineau to be Hull again, but I don't know if we have to wait 3 years to be able to write Hull, or when the 3 years are passed, if we have to write Gatineau for 3 years, and after we write Hull. Unless, of course, the PQ come back in power and we remerge with Gatineau, then we'll have to write Gatineau for 3 years. I leave now; I have hurt in my head... It's so simple Tabarnak: My town is Hull, my country is Quebec. But if you prefer, my town is Gatineau and my country is Canada.

OK, I think I understand!

It's about time. Anyway, it was fun talking to you, if you come around where I live; maybe you come and see me...

OK, but where? Hull in Quebec or Gatineau in Canada?

You're a pain in the ass. Forget the whole thing.

That, my friends, is the portrait of Quebec!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1011
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/11/2006 11:24:49 AM
International Disadvantaged People's Day

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote liberal or occasionally $hit yourself.......

You hang in there sunshine
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