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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1012
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My Joke Thread.Page 16 of 97    (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42)
OT: The Sex Quiz: Myths, Taboos and Bizarre Facts

http://www.livescience.com/php/trivia/index.php?quiz=sex
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1013
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Posted: 12/24/2006 11:02:59 AM
A Beautiful sound...


A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down.Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not
like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out
what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find
these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks
on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the
earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows
what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest
and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now
show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find
a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and
diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last
door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover
the source of that haunting and seductive sound......












But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1017
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Posted: 1/10/2007 4:22:04 PM
For a Good Reason





One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The
Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with
pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held
out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty
and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank and; her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the
water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with
Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come
up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all
three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take are
of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1018
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Posted: 1/11/2007 5:47:00 AM
The Hardware Store

Mary's husband was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent her to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that her husband had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 1/11/2007 4:08:09 PM
'Twas the month after Christmas



'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scale there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber)
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 1/11/2007 4:43:09 PM
Jewish Air Conditioning



It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused.

And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: Norm, Hi and Max.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1021
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Posted: 1/12/2007 4:30:49 PM
Hillbilly Virgin


A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night
he calls his father for advice on what to do since
he had never been intimate with a woman before.

"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"

Thinking that nature will take its course, the
father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you
both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and
says, "She's nekid and we're in bed. What do I do
now?"

Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the
box, his dad asked," Did you take your clothes off,
too?"

"No." the son replies.

"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed
with her."

The son calls back a few minutes later and says,
"We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"

The father's patience is quickly running out, and
he growls, "Look, Son, do I have to spell everything
out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body where
she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got
my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1022
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Posted: 1/15/2007 3:10:09 PM
Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to
a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer
told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for
the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the
daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her
blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and
learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave
without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love
last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out....."LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1023
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Posted: 1/20/2007 3:30:21 PM
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1024
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Posted: 1/20/2007 3:31:59 PM
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower...Cooter, Jim Bob, and
Bubba. As they start their descent down the tower, Cooter slips, falls off
the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away,
Jim Bob says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." Bubba
says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours
later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Jim Bob says, "Where did
you get that beer, Bubba?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable; you told the lady her husband was dead and She gave
you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said To her,
'You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.".... then I Said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1026
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Posted: 1/28/2007 6:09:07 PM
A Prayer

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep

Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.

Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 1/28/2007 8:56:41 PM
The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"




You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1028
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Posted: 1/30/2007 1:28:10 PM
The Chinese Food Song!

http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 2/6/2007 7:11:30 PM
Names are important!!


A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send h im $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
(Pretty funny huh - hey - I don't write them - I only forward them along for your enjoyment.)
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1031
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Posted: 2/7/2007 6:45:53 AM
Redneck Love Poem



Collards is green

my dogs name is blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.



Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flappin in the breeze

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.



You move like the bass

which excite me in May

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.



Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

just a-fry'n in the pan

Yo're as fragrant as snuff

right out of the can.



You have some-a yore teeth

for which I am proud

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.



On special occasions

when you shave under yore arms

well I'm in hog heaven

and awed by yore charms.



Still them fellers at work

they all want to know

what I did to deserve

such a purdy young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there for yore man

to patch up lifes troubles

and fix what you can.



Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin overhead

you ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.



Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.



When you hold me real tight

like a padded gun rack

my life is complete

ain't nuttin I lack.



Yore complexion is purfect

like the best vinyl sidin

despite all the years

yore age it keeps hidin.



Me 'n' you's like a moon pie

with a RC cold drank

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.



Some men they buy chocolate

for Valentine's day

They git it at Wal-Mart

it's romantic that way.



Some men get roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger

"That's impressive" I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth

diamonds are forever

they explain suave and couth.



But for this man honey

these just won't do

cause yore too special

you sweet thang you.



I got you a gift

without taste or odor

more useful than diamonds

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1032
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Posted: 2/7/2007 8:37:41 AM
Some new Maxine's - she nails it every time.


Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them.
Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!

When the neighbours play the music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts'em down pretty quick.

Getting older is like visiting an all-you -can-eat buffet. What should he hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.

Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...
are the ones who got you mad in the first place.

As far as I'm concerned, the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.

If you're not suppose to stick Q-tips in your ears, what the hell are they for?

Actually, you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years. Assuming you can stand the sight of people your age naked.

Tried on a thong yesterday. I'm still trying to dig it out.

I think I must be wearing a "wonder where they went" bra.

Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and east candy out of your socks.

I've still got "it", but NOBODY wants to see it.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you??

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker!

Don't think of them as hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches!

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1034
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Posted: 2/8/2007 2:04:13 PM
A Poem


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1035
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Posted: 2/9/2007 9:59:25 PM
Which Cartoon Character Are You?

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you
ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the
personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The
information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10)with what describes you
best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you
choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by
looking at the end before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
..a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
..b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
..c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
..d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
..e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
..a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
..b) Alternative (1 pt.)
..c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
..d) Country (5 pts.)
..e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
..a) Comedy (2 pts.)
..b) Horror (1 pt.)
..c) Musical (3 pts.)
..d) Romance (4 pts.)
..e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
..a) Waiter (4 pts.)
..b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
..c) Teacher (3 pts.)
..d) Police (2 pts.)
..e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
..a) Exercise (5 pts.)
..b) Read (4 pts.)
..c) Watch television (2 pts.)
..d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
..e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
..a) Yellow (1 pt.)
..b) White (5 pts.)
..c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
..d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
..e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
..a) Snow (3 pts.)
..b) Pizza (2 pts.)
..c) Sushi (1 pt.)
..d) Pasta (4 pts.)
..e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 What is your favorite holiday?
..a) Halloween (1 pt.)
..b) Christmas (3 pts.)
..c) New Year (2 pts.)
..d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
..e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
..a) Paris (4 pts)
..b) Spain (5 pts)
..c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
..d) Hawaii (4 pts)
..e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
..a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
..b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
..c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
..d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
..e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been
waiting for!




(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to
have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what
you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may
not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you
always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit
may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in
and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to
satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days
more than once but you always come home with the family values
that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but
only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to
give advice a nd help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and
you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to
be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in
your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend
that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause
harm to anyone and th! ey would never not understand your feelings. Life
is a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from
traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious
about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom
every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few
Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted
with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad
situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a
while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1036
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/12/2007 9:03:11 PM
Deadly Virus - Antidote


There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
orally,and by hand. This virus is called Work-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or
anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put
your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract
(WINE)or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the
antidoterepeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your
system.You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your
life...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1038
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Posted: 2/21/2007 1:37:06 PM
The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I do not understand," said the other.


The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"



God Bless Canada
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1039
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Posted: 2/22/2007 3:26:58 PM
The "Schitt" List.........

The lineage is finally revealed!

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know
Jack Schitt!"

Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6
children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to
hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The
couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood subsequently
married the Happens Brothers. The local newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned
from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.
You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1040
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Posted: 2/22/2007 7:12:02 PM
DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for
dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't
tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give
them a clue and let them guess.The kids were eager
to know what the meat was on their plates,
so begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he
said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams "Don't eat it, Don't eat it,
it's a fu**ing ass hole."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1041
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Posted: 2/22/2007 7:19:13 PM
UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM


1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digi ts of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1042
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Posted: 2/22/2007 7:26:45 PM
Only in Newfoundland

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of Our patients". "Yes, sir!!!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Garge?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!!!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1044
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2007 2:14:35 PM
Cute Valentine Story

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad , and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone
how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells, and he looks at his daughter with new
found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the ****er."
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