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Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 1051
My Joke ThreadPage 17 of 97    (3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43)
EEEWWWW!!! Jack you dirty old man!!! Get out of here!!!! You just ruined my Laughing buzz you old perve!!! Shame on you!!!!
Joined: 11/5/2006
Msg: 1052
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/28/2007 12:19:57 PM
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1063
view profile
The Sneeze
Posted: 3/8/2007 1:06:24 PM
The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, " Black Pepper. "
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1068
view profile
Christian And Justin
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:52:04 AM
New C E O

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much
money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make
$400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here' s
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1080
view profile
My Joke Tread
Posted: 4/6/2007 11:10:46 AM
Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in
the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy. "
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while
so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she
said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well,
we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how
she knew. She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a
home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1082
view profile
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2007 1:35:04 PM
Top 12 Country Songs

12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1087
view profile
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:25:51 PM
A Startling statistic

A recent survey revealed that the average Canadian walks 900 miles per

Another revealed that the average Canadian consumes 20 gallons of beer
per year.

Conclusion: The average Canadian gets 45 miles per gallon.
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 1090
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/19/2007 1:17:43 PM
Here's some interesting facts:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A****oach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 1096
Posted: 4/23/2007 1:28:50 PM
Yoko, you forgot. . . .


The 1st floor has wives who enjoy sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who enjoy sex and have money.

The 3rd thru 6th floors have never been visited.

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1098
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/25/2007 2:27:20 PM
Dogs in a bar

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll with their dogs.

One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Lets go over to that bar for a drink.

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a
pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said "Sorry lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand, this is my guide dog - I'm blind."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

"Yes, they're using them now. They're very good", says the woman.

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a guide dog may be a lit more difficult, but thought, what the heck, so
she puts on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand, this is my guide dog."

The bouncer says, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua ?

They gave me a fu***ing Chihuahua?!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1099
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/25/2007 2:31:25 PM
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure.

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1100
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/25/2007 3:58:07 PM
Kids write about the sea......

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
--- Kelly, age 6

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
--- James, age 6

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
--- Wayne , age 7

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
--- Kylie, age 6

A dolphin breathes through an ***hole on the top of its head.
--- Billy, age 8

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
--- Millie, age 6

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
--- William, age 7

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
--- Helen, age 6

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
--- Amy, age 6

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers.
--- Christopher, age 7

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
--- Kevin, age 6

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
--- Becky, age 8

On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass.
--- Julie, age 7
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1101
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/27/2007 6:31:54 AM

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 1103
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/28/2007 8:48:57 AM
In a recent news broadcast, It was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ..........................


A Misdewiener!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1104
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/30/2007 5:07:44 PM
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1105
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/2/2007 2:47:16 PM

The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best....... _______________."

08. Satchm o was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a son g about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________. !


01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1108
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/4/2007 8:38:24 PM
You've got to check out this web site!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1109
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2007 1:55:35 PM

1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program

6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip

7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

9. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist is reversed.

13. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you do the same thing again.

16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 1110
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2007 6:24:21 PM
I had to stop n get gas today.

I told the guy to give me $5 bucks worth.

He farted then gave me a receipt.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1112
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/8/2007 3:00:32 PM

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs?A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Some people are like Slinkies .. Not really good for anything........ But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs
Joined: 4/26/2007
Msg: 1117
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/8/2007 10:08:54 PM
Q: What happens when you play a Country song backwards?

A: You get your dog, your car, your house, your job, and your wife back all in about 3 minutes.
Joined: 6/3/2004
Msg: 1118
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/8/2007 10:38:32 PM
A man is getting into the shower as his wife is finishing her shower. The doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps up in a towel & runs downstairs...She opens the door, there stands Bob,
The next-door neighbour. Before she speaks, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800.00 to drop the towel."

After thinking a minute, she drops the towel & stands naked in front of Bob. In a few seconds, Bob hands her $800.00 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,

"Who was that?".

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800.00 he owes me?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1122
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:42:10 PM
Tree Front

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.

But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a Shit behind it eh?."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1123
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:47:29 PM

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on...take a guess!

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1125
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:27:14 PM
The River...

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."


God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."


God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."


He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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