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 nollaigo
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 1132
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My Joke Thread.Page 18 of 97    (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)
1st post hope these haven't been posted yet

- Smart Dog -

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog
playing
cards. The dog was

playing with extraordinary performance.

"Tis is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good
hand
he wags his tail."


----------

- Boy meets a girl -

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful
young girl who will

want to know everything about you."


The frog is thrilled, "This is great!


"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.


"No," says the psychic,





"In biology class."

--------------------------

- Ready -

Person: Hi, I am having a trouble with my PC.

Technical Support: What does the screen say now?

Person: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.

Technical Support: Well?


Person: How do I know when it's ready?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1133
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/25/2007 9:34:06 AM
What Canadians Think About Everything

This may be slighjtly off topic, but it is amusing.

How Well Do You Know CANADIAN Attitudes?
This is a lot harder than you think!
Here is a quiz for you...........just go to the link below:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/special/canquiz2005/
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1134
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/30/2007 7:46:59 AM
FUNNIES ON LIFE


My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front raws responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,
"Take the poison."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1135
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/30/2007 2:50:30 PM
BIOLOGY FINAL EXAM

Students in Biology class were taking their final exam. The last question
was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at
all.

One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"
 nollaigo
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 1136
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/1/2007 2:20:51 PM
These are metaphors collected from a series of Grade 12 English essays. As far as my research - which consisted of watching Aqua Teen Hunfer Force - could determine, they're all genuine.

Kids today....

~

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword .

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1137
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 10:05:09 AM
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"


Grandpa replied, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered, "No, Grandpa. It's just a little pecker!

Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."


A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no, again.

Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go F--K
yourself! Grandma made these cookies for me"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1138
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:15:10 PM
Shall We Gather At The River??

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1139
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:42:19 PM
Dr. Suess for Grownups


SLAMMED I AM!
I would drink a beer
With a goat on a boat
In a box in my socks
In a car at a bar
I do, Ido, I do like
BEER!

---------

The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - - can you tell?
My body's drooping
I have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1140
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:47:20 PM
Cows

Out of the mouth of babes. A cattle rancher was in his barn trying to assist
one of his cows giving birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing
pie-eyed, watching the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm now going to have to start
explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let
him ask, and I'll try and answer."

When everything was over, the Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well
son, do you have any questions?" "Well just one, Dad" gasped the lad, with
his eyes still like saucers, Just how fast was that calf going when it ran
into the cows ass?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1141
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/6/2007 8:45:54 AM
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed:

"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then................. pointa to your watch
and say, Times Up?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1142
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Broke Back Paratrooper
Posted: 6/6/2007 2:18:25 PM
The Broken Lawn Mower

When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
 jheldatksuedu
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 1144
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:15:11 AM
Automobile Air conditioner patent


The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 and they turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused,
saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in. Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on millions of Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names of ... "Norm, Hi, & Max".
Now, I'll bet you didn't see that coming!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1148
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:46:07 PM
Hi Tech - Newfie Prevails


After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scotties scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug
to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers
read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire
and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, "The Maritimer", an East Coast newspaper, reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near
Come-By-Chance, NFLD. George Uppans, a self taught archeologist, reported
that he found absolutely nothing. George has, therefore, concluded that 300
years ago we Newfoundlanders were already using wireless."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1149
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:18:43 PM
Maple Leaf fan?

A first grade teacher in Toronto explains to her class that she is a Maple
Leafs Fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Maple Leaf Fans too.

Not really knowing what a Maple Leafs fan is, but wanting to be liked by
their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is however, one exception. a little girl has not gone along with the
class.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"because I'm not a Maple Leafs fan!" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Senators fan!" The little girl exclaims.

The teacher is a little perturbed now. her face slightly red.

She asks the little girl "Why are you a Senators fan?"

"Well my daddy and my mommy are Senators fans, so I'm a Sens fan too!"

The Teacher is frustrated now. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if
your mommy was a Moron and your daddy was an Idiot. what would you be then?"

The little girl smiles and says "then I'd be a Maple Leafs fan!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1153
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In My Pants......revisited........
Posted: 6/8/2007 1:08:31 PM
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?



Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin of 10 glorious years.

He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated.

After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate.



But he just might like to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!
I am a DOVE I want to love!

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want
to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous DUCK, so he brought the DUCK back to the nest.

Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was... . .well ..... . . . you know








Scroll down





No . the DUCK didn`t say THAT!!!!!






What's an awful thing to think!



Scroll a little further





The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1154
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 6/18/2007 7:09:24 PM
A grammar lesson

".........Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to
perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things,
but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a bright flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234,
and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another
year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
expensive shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the
medicine man had promised. Joyce turned over and asked, "What did you say
123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1155
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 6/21/2007 9:08:07 PM
Things I've Learned As I Mature

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a$$holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care for most in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends ... trust me they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not ... tough shit.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1156
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 6/27/2007 3:14:49 PM
What is worse?

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now you decide what's worse:

1. Having your girl friend find out that you're actually married

2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1157
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Posted: 6/27/2007 3:26:59 PM
Together at last


She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.



Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means
her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1158
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 6/27/2007 6:48:01 PM
The Senior's Breakfast Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously.

YES!!" stated the waitress.

I'll take the special."

How do you want your eggs?"

Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.


DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around the block more than once.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1159
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 6/27/2007 6:56:22 PM
Death of Larry LaPrise

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

Shut up.

You know it's funny.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1164
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Whisper sweet nothings ...
Posted: 6/29/2007 3:25:32 PM
Bad Blonde Jokes


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,

and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther

away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says

"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"



---------------------------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the

mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is

idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies,

"Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have

to do that?"

--------------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very

nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish

you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take

away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

-----------------------

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees

another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How

can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river

then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind

the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing

lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his

bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back,

"IT'S A SCARF!"

------------
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The

Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We

were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going

to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at

each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!"

-------------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her

question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,

can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

-------------------

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying

that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,

"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.

"They're watch dogs!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1166
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Husband Wanted!
Posted: 7/8/2007 9:07:03 AM
How to deal with rude customers

All Employees Who Work With Rude Customers

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.

A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, ( I love this bit). "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1167
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/8/2007 9:11:16 AM
LOCK YOUR DOORS!


Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1168
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/9/2007 7:43:31 AM
White Boy

A little East Indian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is
baking.

He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

Look, mom, I'm a white boy!"

His mom slaps him in the face and says; Go show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says; Look dad, I'm a
white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says; Go show
your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says; Look granny, I'm
a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him
back to his mother.

His mother says; "Now, did you learn anything from that?" To which
the little boy replies; I Sure did. I've only been white for five
minutes and I already hate you f***ing Packies!"
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