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Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1170
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My Joke ThreadPage 19 of 97    (5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45)
French humor

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings
and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out
of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole
the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you probably thought I didn't have DeGaulle to send this on to
you. Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1171
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/10/2007 9:31:49 PM
The Story of Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

I love this one...


Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy...
even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1172
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/16/2007 9:21:57 AM
The Value of a Drink

Information Only - You deside

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.


To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1173
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/18/2007 6:06:21 AM
Female Compassion at it's BEST!

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1174
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/18/2007 6:16:24 AM
Thought for the day

Handle every situation like the dog!!

If you can't eat it or screw it;
Piss on it and walk away
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1176
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/19/2007 9:59:55 AM

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .

Don't stop . . .

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down .

Think of either a man's/woman's name that
begins with the last letter in the animal's name

Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers
of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out
in front of you at face level

Look at your palm Very closely and notice the lines in your hand

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the
persons name?!

Of course not....

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack yourself in the head,
get a life, and quit playing stupid computer games!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1178
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/20/2007 6:53:10 PM
Family Traditions

Newfoundlanders had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that Len's father, grandfather and great- grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day,
they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took
a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat
and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to

Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother."Grandma,
it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my
father, his father, and his father before him?"Granny looked into
Len's eyes and said, "Because, ya dumb arse, yur faudder,
grandfaudder and great grandfaudder wuz born in January, you wuz
born in July
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1179
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/21/2007 9:22:03 AM
Glass so cheap

Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the Same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America !

Ah come on laugh a little, it's just a's to short to loose sleep over it.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1180
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/21/2007 2:25:37 PM
Gone fishing

A man calls home and says to his wife, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish ?

He says, "Yes ! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill,and a few Pike.

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do ?"

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1181
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/23/2007 6:34:04 AM

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:


More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:


More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 1182
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/23/2007 10:47:21 AM
This is supposed to be a joke thread, not a comment on real life, LOL


BTW I do read this forum everytime I get ready to go out for the evening and get a new joke. Jokes are very important in my life and have gone a long way to making me a popular person at the local watering hole and other gathering social events.

People wishing to be more popular should consider this, it's very easy. After a while you have hundreds of jokes stored up. Thanks again for the supply.

That said let's get back to the cereal killer and screw the mailman funnies.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1183
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/23/2007 6:08:52 PM
Well fact is stranger than fiction!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1184
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/23/2007 6:09:33 PM
Business Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"


At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."


On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."


On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."


On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"


At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."


At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."


On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."


In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 1185
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:44:16 PM
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1187
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/27/2007 7:50:46 AM
Canadian Eh!

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian ....
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1188
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/27/2007 7:56:41 AM
Always Give 100% at Work

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1189
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/27/2007 7:58:22 AM
Running Nude In The Rain

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh , yes,' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run? '

'Nope.........just when it's raining.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1190
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/29/2007 6:18:20 AM
Two Crocodiles

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ***hole and a briefcase."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1192
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/31/2007 9:30:37 AM
What Is It:

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of eight inches long. Members of both sexes enjoy the functioning. It is usually found hung,dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of long hairy things at one end and a small round hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly into a warm, fleshy moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily motion.

Anyone listening in will surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance. Some of it will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistering shaft.

After everything is done, and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax two or three times a day, but often much less. What am I?

The answer to the riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1193
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:21:11 PM

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash.

My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the
way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 1194
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:47:11 PM
Just a giggle I got in my email today:

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel
like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1195
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2007 7:00:32 PM
The Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of
her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."

If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1196
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/7/2007 11:32:44 AM
A Simple Way to Feel Good

Smiling changes your attitude, raises your confidence,
and makes you more attractive.

By Devlyn Steele

As we rush through our busy days accomplishing our
tasks—work, kids, shopping, cleaning, and eating on
the go, we often complain that we don’t feel good.
There is a simple, quick, and effective way that you
can feel better throughout the day and also be more

All you have to do is smile more.

Smiling changes your attitude, whether you realize it
or not. If you have any doubts, next time you feel
down, start smiling and thinking positive thoughts and
see what happens.

You can’t help but have a better attitude when you
smile. Smiling also raises your confidence.
Smiling affects our emotions because of a brain-body
connection. It triggers scientifically measurable
activity in the left frontal cortex—the area of the
brain where happiness is registered.

In fact, there is science dedicated to the study of
facial expressions and responses called FACS – Facial
Action Coding System. Your face has 44 muscles between
the skin, cartilage, blood, and bone that you contort,
flex, and move. This lets you make over 5000 different
types of expressions. That’s a lot of expressions! And
each will have a different affect on your feelings and
those looking at you.

Admit it, when someone is smiling aren’t you drawn in?
Don’t you enjoy that person’s company more? We all
do. Smiling is a very important part of connecting and
getting to know someone.

As your life-coach, I offer you this push. I want you
to smile. Go ahead. “SMILE!” Great!

Let’s do it again but this time breathe in through
your nose, let it out through your mouth and smile as
you let the air out. Doesn’t that feel good? The
breathing is very important. Your nostrils are
attached to the limbic system. The limbic system
controls your emotions, and when you breathe in deep
through your nose it has a calming effect on you. So
breathe in and smile.

Let’s add a final touch: “positive thinking.” It
doesn’t hurt to get excited and say out loud to
yourself, “I feel good and I am taking control and
finding my opportunities!” Go ahead and do it. Feel
that positive energy in your body and the release of

Now that you know how good smiling is for you, make a
conscious effort to use this smile exercise a minimum
of six times throughout your day. When you smile
remember to breathe in through your nose and think
positive thoughts. This I guarantee will make a
positive impact on your day and in your life.

In fact, the result from this simple exercise will
have a huge effect. Here’s a basic fact about energy:
it is attracted to energy of a similar frequency. So
when you smile not only will you make yourself feel
better, you will also attract positive energy into
your life.

So smile!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1198
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2007 6:46:09 PM
Flight Attendant

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed
a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow,she's so gorgeous she must
be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her
and uttered the Delta Slogan,
"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself,
"Nope, not Delta."
He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally
kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan,
I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman savagely turned on him,
"What the f*** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said....
"Ah hah, Air Canada.!"
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