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Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 76
Damn tractor.Page 2 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Brazen - I understand. Damn porndogs!

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5,, was married for 5 years, has 5 kids and makes exactly $55,555.55 a year - and his lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend, at 5 PM who tells him that a horse named Lucky 5 is running in the fifth race at the local track that night. The man goes to the bank and withdrawls $5,555 and bets it on number 5.

AMAZINGLY...............................the horse finishes 5th.
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 81
A Raise
Posted: 11/24/2005 10:49:00 PM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle, I'm still a virgin".

What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten

Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. ...... God I miss

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 93
How to turn men down
Posted: 11/27/2005 4:42:10 PM
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
>SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
>HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
>SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
>HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
>SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
>HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
>SHE: I must've been given your share.
>HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
>SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
>HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
>SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
>HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
>SHE: Okay, get out.
>HE: I think I could make you very happy.
>SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
>HE: What would you say if I asked
>you to marry me?
>SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
>HE: Can I have your name?
>SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
>HE: Shall we go see a movie?
>SHE: I've already seen it.
>HE: Where have you been all my life?
>SHE: Hiding from you.
>HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
>SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
>HE: Is this seat empty?
>SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
>HE: So, what do you do for a living?
>SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
>HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
>SHE: Do not enter.
>HE: Your body is like a temple.
>SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
>HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
>SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
>HE: Where have you been all my life?
>SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 96
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/28/2005 1:42:48 AM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
> he
> saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After
mass, the
> priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to
> to
> mass, what made you come?"
> Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
> misplaced
> my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a
> just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every
Sunday. I
> also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I
> he
> would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
> communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
> The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
> hat. What changed your mind?"
> Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,
> decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
> The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about
> Shall Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat
> burn
> in hell, right?"
> Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
> Shall Not Commit Adultery'.. I remembered where I left my hat."
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 99
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/28/2005 10:46:13 PM
Brazen - you have got to stop laughing at your own jokes.

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 104
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/29/2005 6:51:48 AM
There is this horrible collision on the corner of main and elm streets. Both cars are totally demolished, yet both drivers crawl out of the wreckage unscratched. The woman looks at the man and says "This must be a sign from God. You are a man and I am a woman, our cars are totally wrecked yet we are unscratched. This is a sign that we should spend the rest of our days on earth together". The man, startled, says "Yes, I believe your right". The woman then says "Look, this bottle of wine on my back seat didn't break. This is a sign that we should drink to celebrate". Again, the man, startled, agrees. He opens the wine and drinks half the bottle. He then hands the bottle to the woman, who puts the cork back into the top. The man, surprised, asks the woman "aren't you going to drink the wine"? The woman replies, "No, I 'll just wait for the police".

Moral of the story - Women are evil, Don't F*ck with them.

(sorry Brazen)
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 105
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/29/2005 6:56:23 AM
Did you see that they have found the remains of the first gay dinosaur in Egypt. It was named the megasuaras.(mega-sore-ass)
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 109
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/30/2005 1:33:22 AM
(Q) Why did A New Zealander invent velcro for?
(A) Because the sheep started to notice the sound of a zipper!!!!

Thanks -sent all of that to my sis in Auckland.....she had a good laugh
but I bet my brother in law did not.
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 110
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/30/2005 8:32:05 AM
Check out these stupid laws.

New Jersey Crazy Law
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

You may not slurp your soup.

If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

On a highway you can not park under a bridge.

Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.

You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

Bernards Township
It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

Ocean City
Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.

People may not slurp their soup.

Raw hamburger may not be sold.

Profanity is prohibited.

Sea Isle City
There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.
(sorry Brazen, you are unwelcome in Raritan)
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 113
Apologies for the cobwebs on this one...
Posted: 11/30/2005 11:17:53 AM
Word Contest
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 117
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/1/2005 6:47:10 AM

The owner of a golf course has a problem with an invoice. He calls in his secretary and says, since you went to the University of Texas, "if i give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off". the secretary replies, "everything but my earrings"!

A Texas trooper pulls over an Oklahoma pick up truck. The trooper asks, "do you have any ID"? the driver responds "buot what"?

A young Texas man runs into a bar and says, "Bubba someone just stole your pick up truck from the parkin' lot". Bubba asks "did you see who it was"? The young man says "no, but i did get the plate number"!
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 118
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/1/2005 8:10:47 AM

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 121
It pays to remember...
Posted: 12/2/2005 6:10:59 AM

When you return home from a night out with the boys, get assulted by your wife with a broom and have the GUTS to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere".

When you return home from a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar and having the BALLS to slap your wife on her ass and say "ok, you're next".
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 126
view profile
Posted: 12/3/2005 3:59:09 AM
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a biker came and sat next to them.About a minute later one of the old ladies turned to her friend and said,"The man sitting next to me is masturbating!". "Ignore him",her friend replied. "I cant" said the other,"hes using my hand!".
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 129
Posted: 12/3/2005 6:25:37 PM
A business man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1.) it had never been occupied;
(2.) that there was plenty of heat;
(3.) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home......

Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 132
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/3/2005 9:03:47 PM
A travelling salesman is cruising down an old dirt road in the middle of nowhere, when his car breaks down. Night-time is falling and it's a looong 5 mile walk to the nearest farm-house.

When he gets there, the farmer looks the man up and down and says "You're more than welcome to stay here, sir, as long as you don't touch my virgin son."

The salesman replies "Wait, wait, WAIT...I think I'm in the wrong joke here!"
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 134
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 10:02:29 AM
An 80 year old man goes to the doctor and gets a perscription for Viagra. When he takes the perscription to the pharmacy, the old man asks the pharmacist to cut the pills into quarters. The pharmacist tells the old man, this could have an effect on your erection. The old man replies, oh no, that's not what they are for, I just want to stop pissing on my shoes.
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 135
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 10:29:17 AM
A man, who is in no shape to drive, wisely leaves his car in the bars parking lot. As the man is walking unsteadily down the road, a police man asks him, "it's two AM, where are you going mr." The man replies, well, I'm going to a lecture sir. The policeman, in disbelief, asks "who is giving a lecture at this time in the morning". the man replies " MY WIFE"
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 136
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 12:20:51 PM
Jokes have been very good for me, if you are shy it's a great way to break the ice, I used to carry a paper in my wallet that had about 50 5 word reminders of jokes, I could remember I just heard a great new joke but couldn't tell it, if you write down 5 important words, that's normally enough. Pretty soon you've told them enough you always have a joke.

Here's an old standard of mine. sort of paraphrased to save typing time, embellish at telling time.

Brewster the Rooster

Brewster is the old rooster on the farm, the farmer has been buying new roosters to replace him since Brewster is getting old. Brewster is talking to the latest replacement in the pasture. Brewster says " I can't figure out why the farmer got you, I can take care of all the hens here?" New rooster " Brewster your so old, you'd be lucky if you could take care of two of these hens before you dropped over dead from exhaustion!" Brewster replies " I may be old but I've still got what it takes, In fact I'll challenge you to race around the barn just to show you."

New Rooster replies, "No problem, let's do it." Brewster "Well, You have to admit I am a little older, give me a head start, don't start till I get around the first corner." " No problem" the new rooster replies. So Brewster takes off running, after rounding the first corner the new rooster takes off. By the time they are getting close to the 2nd corner the new rooster is catching up. Brewster starts crowing, cackling, screaming, all kinds of noises you've never heard a rooster make. Nearing the 3rd corner that new rooster is right on Brewster's tail, Brewster still screaming, cackling, and crowing for all he's worth, and running harder then he's ever run. Around that 3rd corner and "BAM," the new rooster falls over dead.

The farmer up on the porch with his gun says " Damn, That's the fifth gay rooster I've bought this month!"

The 5 word reminder for this joke could be "Brewster Rooster Race Gun Gay", that should be enough for you to reconstruct it. Basically all it takes is a keyword if I'm at a party and somebody says tell a joke, my mind is blank, but if they say tell a joke about a bear I've got 5 jokes in mind. Normally hearing a joke reminds me of another one and I can go on all night swapping jokes. You can be the life of the party that way.
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 137
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 6:12:24 AM

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Joined: 12/9/2004
Msg: 138
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 9:49:54 AM
Hello Sailor

After being under the Arctic Circle for 3 months, a sailor gets a 24 hour pass when they reach port. The first place he visits is a bar where he proceeds to get hammered and passes out.
When he wakes up, he realizes he has one hour to make it back to the sub. Desperate for a piece of **** he asks the bartender where the closest whore house is. The bartender says its only two doors down but there's a long wait, being the only place in town.

The sailor in desperation calls for the madam and begs for special consideration. Since he is still drunk, she asks him to wait and she would see if Tina was awake.

The madam inflates a sex doll and comes down the stairs and tells the sailor that Tina is awake, but is very tired and won't talk or move; but its there if he wants it. The sailor agrees and runs upstairs, undressing as he goes.

A few seconds later a loud scream is heard all over the house and the sailor comes running down the stairs, yelling, "call 911!"

The madam asks about what happened, the sailor replies, “I walked into the room she looked so good I bent over and bit her nipple. The next thing I knew she farted and jumped out the window!
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 140
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 12:55:12 PM
A man and his wife are sound asleep when they hear a knock on the door. The man looks at the clock, and realizes it is 3:30 AM, and dimisses it as a dream. Just then, there is another knock, this time louder. The man gets up out of bed and walks to the door. He opens the door, and A young man asks "Mr. can you give us a push"? The man responds, "are you out of your freaking mind, it's 3:30 in the morning" and he slams the door shut. When the man returns to bed, his wife asks him who was at the door. The man tells her the story, to which she replies, "You should have helped them. Don't you remember that time when we were picking up the kids and our car broke down". The man thinks for a second and jumps out of bed. He races to the door and yells "hey kid, do you still need a push"? The young man answers "yes, we could use the help". The man now rubbing his eyes asks, "where are you"? The young man replies "over here, on the swings".
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 145
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2005 6:51:36 AM
A police officer pulls over a car doing 80. The officer walks up to the car and asks, why were you speeding. The man driving the car says, I am a juggling magician and I don't want to be late for my show. The officer, fascinated by juggling, tells the man, if you juggle for me I won't write you a ticket. The man replies, I have sent all my supplies ahead and they are already there. The officer, thinks for a minute, comes up with three flares, lights them and asks the man to juggle them. As the man is juggling the flares, a drunk pulls up, stumbles over to the car and watches momentarily. The drunk then stumbles to the police car and gets into the back seat of the car. The officer, now annoyed, asks the drunk what do you think you're doing. The drunk responds, take me in now, there is no way in hell I'm going to pass that test.
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