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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1199
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My Joke Thread.Page 20 of 97    (6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46)
The Cowboy and the Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID
badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie.. "You know how I work....You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to
trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, an d it
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is right.

"OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and
need me."

***POOF***

He was turned in to a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached..
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1202
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Posted: 8/9/2007 5:52:55 PM
Learning to Cuss

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The
4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up running for the stairs, crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his
room and shouts, "You will stay in there until I let you out!!"

She then goes back downstairs; looks at the 4-year-old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1205
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Posted: 8/13/2007 4:43:30 PM
Word Play

CLINOPHOBIA is the fear of beds
PNIGOPHOBIA is a fear of choking on a fish bone.
MAGEIRICOPHOBIA is the intense fear of having to cook.
SCOPOPHOBIA is a fear of being looked at.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1206
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Posted: 8/13/2007 5:03:33 PM
HAVE A NICE FLIGHT

The following are humerous accounts of actual announcements given by flight attendants and pilots. (As told by passengers on various airline flights).

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best fight attendants in the industry ... unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

After a particularly rough landing during a thunderstorm, a flight attendant announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, I'm sure everything has shifted."

From an airline employee: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and is you don't know how to use one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

From the pilot: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

After a real crusher of a landing, a flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

From part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll fly with us again."

As part of an announcement, "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1207
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Posted: 8/13/2007 5:16:36 PM
WARNING/ATTENTION!

Province of British Colubmia, Ministry of Fish & Wildlife

Province de la Colobmia Britanik, Dept. de Poison et Animaux Sauvages


Due to the rising frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish & Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any other persons that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advice the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry pepper spray with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should be also be on the watch for fresh bear activity and be able to tell the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Brizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1208
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Posted: 8/13/2007 5:40:56 PM
Helpful Camping Tips

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of the loon if you have an unlisted number.

The best backpacks are named for national parks and mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics the "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and blech, however have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you xomething to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into the ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of a noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. (See above post for further details).
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1209
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Posted: 8/14/2007 10:30:48 AM
Sport Commentating Bloopers

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1210
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Posted: 8/15/2007 8:18:07 PM
I lie awake


I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking
about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you lay on my naked body...You sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while
you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore
witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
you...

YOU F***ING MOSQUITO!!!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1212
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Posted: 8/22/2007 6:36:26 AM
Extinct
=======

Americans should be ashamed.

They’ve eaten so many billions of Buffalo wings
that many kids today

...have never seen a buffalo fly.

~A comment in the Atlanta Constitution newspaper~
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1213
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Posted: 8/23/2007 8:53:40 AM
THE RECIPE

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy
when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for
it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an
hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it
actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room
and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've
actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day
with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using
Crisco."





Wait for it ..........







Wait ..............

"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is
shortening!

MORAL: You've gotta follow the recipe!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1214
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Posted: 8/23/2007 9:34:30 AM
50 years in 3 minutes

This may not be humourous, but it is interesting. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~yeli23/Flash/Fire.html


This is great.....Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50
years of history in less than 3 minutes! Thanks to a Billy Joel song and
some guy from the University of Chicago with too much time to Google!
 jheldatksuedu
Joined: 3/11/2005
Msg: 1215
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:55:14 AM
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1219
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Posted: 8/27/2007 5:12:35 PM
Vanilla Pudding Robbery

Fri Aug 24, 2007 8:54 pm (PST)

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.



The next day the newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1220
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Posted: 8/28/2007 4:18:52 PM
Condom Slogans

List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week


1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your****
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
 Wottacatch™
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 1221
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/29/2007 5:26:42 PM
I'll try making people laugh in this thread.

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f... do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".
 Wottacatch™
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 1223
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/31/2007 2:54:22 AM
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a****rooster and about ten hens One Saturday night the****rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected****ights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,

"Has anybody got a****" - all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant”.
“Has anybody seen a****" -all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant”.
“Has anybody seen a****that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant”.
“Has anybody seen my****" -all the nuns stood up.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1224
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Posted: 8/31/2007 7:59:19 AM
OBSESSIONS!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D i c k we're leaving."
 Wottacatch™
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 1227
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/1/2007 10:37:42 AM
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
"Exactly," replies the Doc.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1228
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Posted: 9/2/2007 2:29:05 PM
A bit OT but better here than starting a new thread.

The Stranger......

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the Stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the Stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?..............



See below:







We just call him, "TV."



Note: This should be required reading for every household in America !



P. S. He has a wife now....We call her "Computer."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1231
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Posted: 9/3/2007 6:59:11 PM
New Pet

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time, this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:







"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**ing shoes on."
 Southern_Sam
Joined: 12/11/2006
Msg: 1232
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/3/2007 9:53:33 PM
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
Liquor in the Cabinet.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1234
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Posted: 9/4/2007 8:07:32 PM
Italian Sex

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body
all over with schmaltz (chic fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end !"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she
screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she
screamed for over six hours !"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could
you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"
The Italian man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1237
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Posted: 9/5/2007 7:06:19 PM
Tillie, Maude & Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a
quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened
his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far . . . .
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 9/6/2007 3:20:09 PM
The Gunfighter


In the days of the old Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in the saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old guy.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, fer one thing, yer wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot The bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" he yelled, "Got any More tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that Axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp finishes playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1240
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Posted: 9/6/2007 4:11:23 PM
Ohhhhhhhh, a real "groaner"..........


Several Nuns were in there second floor convent
one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there
habits off and tied them together to make a rope to
get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the
building, a news reporter came over to one of the
Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the
habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?

The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits
are hard to break?"
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