Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1241
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.Page 21 of 97    (7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47)
Mother of all jokes


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag
out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start
reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ....' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
started school'.

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1245
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/9/2007 1:11:41 PM
Dating in 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sues mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1246
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/11/2007 2:50:47 PM
10 Year Old Blues ....

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1247
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/11/2007 2:55:19 PM
Jewish Divorce

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish
couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a GHET".

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the
woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the
Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish
faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies.. "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the
entire prick!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1248
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2007 12:52:50 PM
The golden screw

Once upon a time, a lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All of the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

The lad's childhood years were very difficult, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. The lad, now a grown man, was thrilled. The next day he took his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a beautiful monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come and told the man to climb to the highest tower of the monastery and sleep. He promised that the following day when the man awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man woke, the man found the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and discovered that the screw had indeed been removed! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral of this story is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass".
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1249
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:54:50 PM
Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, .How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken **stard. You've shit the bed !!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1250
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:28:08 AM
New Viagra Slogans


The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one
pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the
meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for
other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of
the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! (Budwiser)

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. (Bounty)

8. Viagra, like a rock! (Chevrolet)

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.(FED EX)

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. (ARMY)

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.(Yellow Pages)

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.(Secret)

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! (Burger King)

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! (GE)

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.(Partnership for a
Drug Free AMERICA)
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1251
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:07:37 AM
Sweet Lil Sally

Little Sally came home from school and, with a smile on her face, told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No... salty!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1252
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:01:53 PM
The Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first you don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become the member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1253
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:20:02 PM
Employee Want-Ads Translations

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast Learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the boss's travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documents and letters.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1255
view profile
History
Something They Can Agree On ... Almost
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:20:09 PM
SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

This is sad but true.

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the RCMP are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1258
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:59:36 AM
Driving with Bush


George Bush and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bush told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bush sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

'What happened to you', asked Bush.

The driver said, 'Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me'.

'My God, what did you tell them', asks Bush.

The driver replied, 'I'm George Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig'.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1260
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 4:28:42 PM
I'm A Middle-Aged Woman

Lisa Koch
http://www.heylisa.com/music-71.html

If you are under 25 play this or send it to your Mom

She’ll probably kill you but you will be laughing as she does it!

I'M A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

I'm a middle-aged woman, and I'm really in my prime
I'm a middle-aged broad, and I'm looking mighty fine
Mature and sexy, healthy and fit
Nice and ripe, and I can't remember shit

I'm irritable and crabby, and my mood is on the swing- yes, it is
My cycles are irregular, and my underwear clings
My thermostat has really gone awry
I'm sweating like a pig, while my cha cha is totally dry

Ooohhh, I'm working on a hot flash
Yeah, I'm on the verge
Building up steam for a power surge

Hot flash
Now my face is red
Looking for a towel to mop my head
Hot flash
Ooh, it comes on quick
My pants are drippin' and my skin is slick
(pant pant pant) Is it warm in here?
(pant pant pant) Is it hot in here?

Hot flash
At the grocery store
Jammin' my head in the freezer door

Hot flash
200 degrees ... (spoken) What are you lookin' at?


I'm perimenopausal, and I can't remember squat
There's a ringing in my ears, and I tend to fart a lot
A 5 o'clock shadow wasn't in my plan
Everytime I sneeze, I fricking pee my pants

I can't sleep through the night, my libido's out of whack
I've got bifocal contacts, and I'm sweating more than Shaq
I'm feeling really anxious, maybe I could score some crack
Or drink some black cohosh tea (bleah, ick)

I'm a middle-aged woman, I suddenly don't remember who you are
I must be a musician, because I'm playing a guitar
Yes, I'm a middle-aged, here on this stage
I'm middle-aged, completely crazed
I'm middle-aged ...
(Don't mess with my Social Security!)
Middle-aged woman!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1261
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:27:47 PM
The Tractor


A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads
with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to
the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed
here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you
a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation
and said,"Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new
two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that
tractor is paid for . "Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his
youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him
the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the
whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over
and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back,mumbling to himself the whole
time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He
didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"The little boy looks his Dad
right square in the eye and says, "Hey,nobody rides anything around
here until that damn tractor is paid for."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1262
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:47:08 PM
MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. 'This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends.'
B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.'

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
* If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1263
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:58:33 PM
computer news

**SUMMARY OF MY**** ****LAST TWO YEARS**** ON THE COMPUTER*** **
***I NOW HAVE TO:::..............**


I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day..
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1264
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/17/2007 10:47:02 AM
THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.

So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.

None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.

As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.


So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

s she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?







COME ON GUESS!








OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!




SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!!!

OLD LADIES ROCK
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1265
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/17/2007 5:17:12 PM
WOMEN DRIVERS ...




This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected
an important call.

Damn women drivers!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1266
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/18/2007 7:17:07 AM
Newfie Talking Clock


A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple
of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the Newfie.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave
the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You ***hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1267
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/22/2007 12:40:48 PM
Toronto banks

A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 however he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Newfie replied: "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" Ah, the Newfs.....
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1268
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/23/2007 4:02:04 PM
Drugs...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He
bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve
beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer,
I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs. "



...........You're gonna love this........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barb!tchyouate."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1269
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/25/2007 2:48:47 PM
Cowboy boots

A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1270
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/28/2007 2:53:18 PM
An Amazing Elephant Story...



Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too soppy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1271
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:04:40 AM
Dusty Underwear



One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said
to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in
Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer.

"What the Hell is this??? he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you
put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle
Grow'."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1272
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/3/2007 6:50:31 AM
A Professional
==============

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me,


"has your plane arrived yet?"


Show ALL Forums  > humor  >