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 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 1273
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My Joke ThreadPage 22 of 97    (8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48)
One day two guys were overheard talking at a psycho ward

"My imaginary girlfriend just wants to be friends"

"My last date said I was crazy and should be locked up"

Other guy"That's all women talk about- commitment, commitment , commitment"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1274
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Posted: 10/5/2007 2:36:06 PM
Happy Thanksgiving to all...



Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all - Pass the cranberries, please!

May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1275
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Posted: 10/5/2007 2:40:39 PM
Happy Thanksgiving


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1276
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Posted: 10/6/2007 1:54:48 PM
Nair Hair Removal (HELPFUL DRUGGIST)

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remove and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: ........ "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1277
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Posted: 10/10/2007 8:19:53 AM
Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie
got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if
you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend.... So she called him and explained the situation

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the
proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting
for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend
calls and asks what happened....?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The **stard had all
quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
entirety before agreeing to it or you might get screwed!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1278
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Posted: 10/10/2007 4:31:00 PM
Life Expectancy Calculator


How long will you live?

Interesting little test

Have a guess and then compare your guesstimate with http://www.poodwaddle.com/realage.swf

So should you put money into RRSPs or are you following the philosophy that only the good die young!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1280
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Posted: 10/11/2007 4:48:56 PM
Getting Old



An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with God ?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof ! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof ! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine ! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off ?'

'Oh my God !' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again !
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1281
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Posted: 10/11/2007 4:51:55 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. Im a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me"

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments. Then she asked "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1282
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Posted: 10/11/2007 6:02:21 PM
OT

Message from a hard working Canadian

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes
my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, as I work
on a rig site or a Fort Mac construction project, I am required to pass
a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to
people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a
urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it
for them...??

Please understand - I have no problem with helping people get
back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping
someone sit on their arse drinking beer & smoking dope.

Could you imagine how much money the provinces would save if
people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque...? Please
pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you
all will pass it along though, because something has to change in this
country, and soon...!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1283
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Posted: 10/13/2007 8:01:09 AM
Miramichi Department of Natural Resources



An Upper Miramichi man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving the river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish ?'

'Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish ?'

'Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of Bull! Fish can't do that!'

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works.'

'Okay, I've GOT to see this!'

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what ?' said the man.

'When are you going to call them back ?'

'Call who back ?'

'The FISH!'

'WHAT FISH ?'

We from the Miramichi may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1284
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Posted: 10/17/2007 8:12:22 AM
Just in case you are feeling smart today

You should take this test, it is very funny, I missed all questions.

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)




First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?






Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)










Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?









Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!











PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1285
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Posted: 10/17/2007 8:33:22 AM
More Halloween fun!




http://dedge.com/flash/hangman/hangman.swf?a=300
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1289
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Posted: 10/29/2007 8:07:16 AM
This hilarious cartoon could serve to show me the source of my headaches.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLHMhKF5w2M
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1290
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Posted: 11/2/2007 8:30:33 AM
WHY GOD MADE MOMS-
(Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions):

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy .
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1291
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Posted: 11/3/2007 7:34:50 PM
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in. She turned and said,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1292
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Posted: 11/3/2007 7:46:02 PM
Pour les plus de 60...

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 + year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60 + year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60 + year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60 + year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60 + year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1293
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Posted: 11/3/2007 7:54:11 PM
Margs week AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny **** to find me

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that **** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1295
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Posted: 11/4/2007 3:55:34 PM
The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat.

'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said....

'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........



ate the cookies...............



drank the milk..............



sh*t on the paper....................



screwed the other three cats.....................



claimed he injured his back while doing so..................



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1299
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Posted: 11/5/2007 8:56:51 AM
Andy Rooney on women over 40

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'
She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1300
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Posted: 11/5/2007 9:58:40 AM
20 things you didn't know about your body



The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.



* Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

* The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

* You use 200 muscles to take one step.

* The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

* Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

* A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

* A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

* The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

* The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

* It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

* The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

* Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

* At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

* There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

* Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

* The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

* Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

* When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

* Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

* Your thumb is the same length of your nose.



....Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1301
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Posted: 11/6/2007 1:56:36 PM
Rednecks & the Goat


Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1302
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Posted: 11/7/2007 3:05:11 PM
VODKA

Who knew!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five
minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and
kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth
of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer
bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or
black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the
sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and
back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the
urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb
some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1303
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2007 3:22:46 PM
The Sex Fairy

This is hilarious! Be sure to read
the warning at the bottom. I didn't
change a word! I'm not messing
with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when
women make love they produce
amounts of the hormone estrogen,
which makes hair shine and
skin smooth.
=============

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking
reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes.
The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.
=============

3. Lovemaking can burn up
those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports
you can take up.
It stretches and tones up just
about every muscle in the body.
It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need
special sneakers!

=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild
depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a
sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more
you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities
of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the
opposite sex crazy!
==============

7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in
the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep
the dentist away. Kissing
encourages saliva to wash food from
the teeth and lowers the level of
the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches.
A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels
in the brain.
=============

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock
a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.

=============
This message has been sent to you
for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in the basement of the
Dwight House Pub. It has been
sent around the world nine times.
Now sex has been sent to you. The
'Hot Sex Fairy' will visit
you within four days of receiving
this message, provided you, in turn,
send it on.

If you don't, then you will never
receive good sex again for the rest
of your life. You will eventually
become celibate, and your genitals
will rot and fall off. This is no joke!
Send copies to people you think
need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send
money, as the fate of your genitals
has no price.

Do not keep this message. This
message must leave your e-mail in
5 hours. Please send ten copies and
see what happens in four days.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1304
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/8/2007 1:55:33 PM
Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy!


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For Goodness sake.........Act your age........ there is no Santa
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