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 BoOg_E_Mann
Joined: 8/25/2007
Msg: 1332
My dumb joke....Page 24 of 97    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
How do you put out a MAXI PAD on FIRE????????????????






YOU "TAMPON" it !!



LMAO
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1333
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Posted: 12/12/2007 8:06:18 AM
Baby Boomers

I thought this was funny UNTIL he mentions ALL the medications that some people have to take!!!
LOL Now, I know I’m getting OLD!!!



http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1334
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Posted: 12/12/2007 5:34:23 PM
Virgil and Floyd

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
mar'juana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there alright!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's
Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"


Merry Christmas, Buddy!!"*


(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1335
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Posted: 12/13/2007 5:02:45 PM
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1336
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Posted: 12/20/2007 3:31:22 PM
Which One?
===========

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?
The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1337
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Posted: 12/20/2007 3:42:28 PM
Who's Home

A salesman knocks on the front door of a house. A seven year old boy answers the door. He's wearing a bath robe, has a glass of scotch in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. The salesman says "son, are your parents home?" The kid says "what the f-ck do you think?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1338
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Posted: 12/20/2007 8:59:26 PM
Computer repairs


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a
bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down -

"I D 1 0 T"



I used to like Harold.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1339
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Posted: 12/20/2007 9:02:13 PM
Jewish Mathematics

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ! All he
wants is anal sex and my a$$hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when
it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week
allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that
away for 45 cents?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1340
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Posted: 12/21/2007 10:59:49 AM
One last Christmas game for all... Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a very safe and happy New Year.



Click to make the penguin jump and then click again, in time to make the polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice!
Warning : Very addictive ! ! !

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1341
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Posted: 12/22/2007 4:00:53 PM
Thought for the day


Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead
of a turkey, we all would be having a piece of ass for Christmas.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1342
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Posted: 12/28/2007 2:39:19 PM
MY LIVING WILL ..........

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.


She's such a b!tch.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1343
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Posted: 12/30/2007 4:39:33 PM
Can the English language survive Bush?


"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. "
- George W. Bush


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared '. "
- George W. Bush


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. "
- George W. Bush


" The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush


"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush


"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. "
- George W. Bush


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush


" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush


" It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1344
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Posted: 12/31/2007 2:33:24 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?


DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?

D!CK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1345
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Posted: 1/8/2008 5:40:02 PM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'




So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1346
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Posted: 1/9/2008 12:22:43 PM
TWO OLD MEN

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
' A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1347
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Posted: 1/12/2008 2:55:24 PM
911 calls...

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine -one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1348
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Posted: 1/14/2008 9:31:49 PM
Two Nuns


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached across the counter and grabbed a bag of pretzel sticks and placed it with the beer, saying, "The curlers are on me."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1349
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Posted: 1/15/2008 3:23:27 PM
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?



This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.



John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Kentucky. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted... 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1350
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Posted: 1/15/2008 3:52:11 PM
Honk if You Love Jesus

The other day Grandma went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. She was feeling particularly sassy that day because she had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so she bought the sticker and put in on her bumper.

Grandma was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and she didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, she'd never have noticed.

Grandma found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while she was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! She just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. She even honked her horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because she heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

Grandma saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When she asked her teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, she'd never met anyone from Hawaii, so she leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Her grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards her. She bet they wanted to pray or ask what church she attended, but this is when she noticed the light had changed. So, she waved to all her sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

Grandma noticed she was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and she felt kind of sad that she had to leave them after all the love they had shared, so she slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as she drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
 Girlflower
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 1351
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/16/2008 9:04:38 AM
My Living Will!

Last night my friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'



So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.



She's such a ****.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1352
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/18/2008 7:14:50 AM
Mother Superior --- just laugh

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novice just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with, "good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for your students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face.

She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good Morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the eye.

"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1353
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Posted: 1/18/2008 11:32:27 AM
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her primary students put on his boots.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left, to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.'

Her trial starts next month.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1355
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Posted: 1/22/2008 2:38:49 PM
Where Do Babies Come From?
Sorry about the Caps, it came that way

DAUGHTER: MUMMY? WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?


MUMMY: OH... ERM... WELL DEAR, A MUMMY AND DADDY FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED. THEN ONE NIGHT THEY GO INTO THE BEDROOM AND THEY KISS AND HUG AND HAVE SEX... THAT MEANS THE DADDY PUTS HIS PENIS
INTO THE MUMMY'S VAGINA... AND THAT'S HOW YOU GET A BABY HONEY.


DAUGHTER: OH OKAY. BUT THE OTHER NIGHT I WENT INTO YOUR BEDROOM AND DADDY HAD HIS PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH? WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU DO THAT?


MUMMY: JEWELLERY
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1356
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:51:48 AM
Iraqi Hockey player

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a
young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably
impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US. Ken Holland signs him
to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with
only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he
goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins
the game for Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her
about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an
Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I
scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they
all love me."

Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your
father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed,
raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all
while you were having such a great time." The young Iraqi is very upset.

"What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom,
"It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1357
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:02:45 PM
Grandma & Grandpa


Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
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