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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1358
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My Joke Thread.Page 25 of 97    (11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51)
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'
The man seemed a bit ashamed.

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1359
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2008 12:07:48 PM
Newfoundland Sausage

'In what aisle could I find da Newfoundland sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you from Newfoundland?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask ya somethin'. If I had asked ya fer Italian sausage would ya ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked fer German bratwurst, would ya ask me if I was German? Or if I asked fer a kosher hot dog would ya ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked fer a Taco would ya ask if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked fer some Irish whiskey, would ya ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well den, why did ya ask me if I'm frum Newfoundland just because I asked fer Newfoundland sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're at Home Depot.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1360
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2008 12:10:35 PM
A request for 2008

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THEM WORKED!.



For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers.



Thank you!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1361
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Posted: 1/28/2008 6:20:51 PM
The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber go es to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, an MP comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the great citizens of this country and the greedy and selfish "........" of our Government!!!!!!!!!!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1362
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Posted: 1/29/2008 5:04:27 PM
A Different Twist to Estate Planning

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a
wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he
spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her,
but in just a few years, my father will die,
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his
business card and three weeks later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1363
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Posted: 2/1/2008 4:19:31 PM
Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.

Darn woman, she has absolutely NO sense of humour!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1364
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Posted: 2/1/2008 4:33:28 PM
Englishmen

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked ,What are you selling here??

One of the men replied sarcastically, We're selling arseholes.

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1365
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Posted: 2/4/2008 8:15:05 PM
No problem Mr back!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1366
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Posted: 2/4/2008 8:17:26 PM
Colorectal Surgeon

This came to me with music, some Scotish lilt which I failed to recognize. But enjoy the rhyme!

We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, 'Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands.'

He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1367
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Posted: 2/6/2008 8:44:39 AM
Fishing

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1368
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Posted: 2/6/2008 8:53:31 AM
Blonde & Football


Football FINALLY makes sense...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were trying to kill each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

... and .

... I'm like ...

... Helloooooo??? ...

... Hey Guys .

It's only 25 cents!!!!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1369
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Posted: 2/6/2008 9:02:54 AM
REMEMBER:

To make it stand. You wet it!

To make it wet.......... You suck it!

To make it stiff........... You lick it!

To get it in................. you push it!

DAMN.......

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.






Threading a needle when you're old, ain't no joke !
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1370
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Posted: 2/7/2008 6:00:47 PM
Interesting Human Body Facts That You Cannot Live Without

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

-Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

-The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

-The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

-If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

-Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair

-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as often as men.

-The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .
. . . they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

-Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

-Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

-The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.

Checked the length of your thumb didn't you?

YUP!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1373
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Posted: 2/10/2008 6:07:18 AM
BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday !
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1374
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Posted: 2/10/2008 6:30:49 PM
Wal Mart

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!


WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1375
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Posted: 2/10/2008 6:46:57 PM
THE CANADIAN WAY

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,'That's a karate chop from Korea.

Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan', he says.

The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, tell him that was a f-ckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1376
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Posted: 2/12/2008 5:50:18 PM
IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Country club........................ (takes a breath).. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant . Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1377
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Posted: 2/14/2008 8:39:05 AM
Neat info!


This is very interesting! After reading it, you'll go 'duh, I didn't know that.'

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. ? (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our noseand ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1379
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Posted: 2/19/2008 3:47:58 PM
Touching Grandmother Story

A nice story - will make you appreciate family . . . however for most of us, it's too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice. "Makes your d i ck look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1380
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Posted: 2/19/2008 5:54:54 PM
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 1381
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/19/2008 7:17:19 PM
Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish V iagra".
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle
in his eye, and with hi s pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop
of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1382
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Posted: 2/20/2008 5:07:10 PM
Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1383
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Posted: 2/21/2008 1:45:35 PM
Vet school lesson


First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For
an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead
and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1384
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Posted: 2/22/2008 9:37:21 AM
Dolly Parton And Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton And Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure It will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? Didn't I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1385
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Posted: 2/22/2008 9:41:21 AM
Engineers:

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Ottawa.
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