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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1386
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My Joke ThreadPage 26 of 97    (12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52)
Bank Robber

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".

The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1387
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:10:48 PM
Johnny the Baptist

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
 fuar85
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 1388
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:14:20 PM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.









Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge!


 fuar85
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 1389
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:18:01 PM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
>section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
>asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
>budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.
>
>
>The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
>the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
>of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000
>foot drop and says,
>Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
>one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
>
>
>Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
>bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his
>best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
>"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
>
>
>
>THERE'S MORE...
>
>
>
>Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
>shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
>cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
>"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
>lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
>with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
>shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he
>hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head
>and says,
>"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
>
>
>
>IT IS NOT OVER YET...
>
>
>Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
>appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
>out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
>and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he
>hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
>"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
>den Seamus parrotshooting...
>
>
>
>and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

 fuar85
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 1390
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Posted: 2/26/2008 2:21:20 PM
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
>
>John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of Me
>life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
>for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I
>won the prize for the Best Toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now.
>And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
>life, sitting in church Beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed,
>John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
>buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John
>won the prize the other night At the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She
>said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
>only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, And
>the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 fuar85
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 1391
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Posted: 2/26/2008 2:24:00 PM
Subject: Definition of a bad day in SAN FRANCISCO


While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came
upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped
his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the
other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to
you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When
he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: 'This
just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'


 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1392
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Posted: 2/27/2008 7:39:37 AM
Canadian Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1393
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Posted: 2/27/2008 2:30:26 PM
The perfect Dress

A woman dropped in unannounced at her son's house. Having knocked on the door she immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
 DrMadLove
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 1394
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On the run
Posted: 2/28/2008 1:09:25 AM
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on the run from the cops
they come around a corner and see three empty sacks so they jump into one each
The cops come blazing around the corner and see the three sacks
the lead cop goes up to the first sack and gives it a swift kick,
the englishman inside the sack goes "meow"
the cop says "must be a sack full of kitens"
so he goes up to the next sack and gives it a swift kick,
the scotsman inside the sack goes "woof"
the cop says "must be a sack full of puppies"
so he goes up to the third sack and gives it a swift kick,
and the Irishman inside it screams out
"POTATOES!!!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1396
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Posted: 2/28/2008 9:16:46 PM
What Next?

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their
sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they
rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are
crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the two gays,
she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so
happy. This just proves our love for one another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch
what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1397
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Posted: 2/29/2008 12:01:57 PM
Bill and Hillary

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York .... how this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who's speaking?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1398
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:45:11 AM
BLESSED CANADA

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

AND NOW YOU KNOW.
 moonlitwalksforme
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1399
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:46:09 AM
ha ha........................................................................................................................
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1401
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Posted: 3/3/2008 12:42:43 PM
Letter to Bush from Osama Bin Laden

After saying numerous times, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of what looked like a coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Completely baffled, Bush showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could decode it at the FBI, so they sent it to the CIA, NSA then to MI6 and the Mossad. In a last desperate cry for help, Bush sent it to RCMP.

A minute or so later, the RCMP emailed the White House:

"Please advise the President that he's holding the message upside down."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1402
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2008 5:25:35 PM
Three kick rule

A big-city, U.S. lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it.' The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.' The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three-Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the Canadian Three-Kick Rule?'

The farmer replied, 'Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, 'Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!'

The old farmer grinned and said, 'Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1403
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Posted: 3/4/2008 2:25:34 PM
NEWFIE 911

Two Newfie buddies are walking home from the local pub when one of them
drops to the side walk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the cell phone and
dials 9-1-1. The Operator immediately asks: 'What is the emergency and where are
you?' The Newfie buddy replies: ' I don't know what happened, we were walking
home on Eucalyptus street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell down!'
The operator asked: 'How do you spell the name of the street?'
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator now really concerned kept
shouting because she could hear him panting! Finally he came back on the
line and said: 'I dragged him over to Oak street, that's O-A-K.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1404
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Posted: 3/10/2008 9:25:26 PM
Testicles

The testicles of an Alberta midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The
midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left
testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to
check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once
more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted
with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.

What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1405
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Posted: 3/12/2008 6:11:28 AM
Seeking Employment, Bush resume

This individual seeks an executive position.
He will be available in January 2009, and is willing to relocate.




RESUME

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas. In 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favour power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government

(next to the President - this is the most powerful Department in our Government).

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1406
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2008 3:48:45 PM
Kid's tell it like it is...

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP!

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;
"I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then, her pager began to emit a
beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out,
"Run for your life, she's backing up!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1408
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Posted: 3/14/2008 6:58:06 AM
Well diamondgal, what better place to post the Bush resume than the humour section. No one takes him seriously!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1409
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Posted: 3/14/2008 6:59:39 AM
Golf Lessons

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your stance is too wide."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1410
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Posted: 3/14/2008 3:46:57 PM
The “Pet” Peeves that Dogs have about Humans


'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1411
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Posted: 3/14/2008 3:50:08 PM
If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitzu would it be called Bullshit?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1412
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Posted: 3/15/2008 2:07:56 PM
Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly re turn to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in- law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1413
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:56:06 PM
Golf Genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through
the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see
how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped
in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars
a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "

And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't
mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said.

"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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