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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1714
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My Joke Thread. Page 28 of 97    (14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54)
MARRIAGE HUMOR ! ! ! !



Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

-----------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife : "Yes and no."

-----------------------------------------


Son: " Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

-----------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

-----------------------------------------



A wife asked her husband:

"What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

"I like your sense of humor."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1715
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:53:09 AM
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?


Sum Ting Wong
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1716
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:35:41 PM
Lie Detector



John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school over 2 hours late.

'Why are you so late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around and slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a resounding whack!

Marsha doubled over laughing; almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1717
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:04:50 AM
Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1719
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:43:44 PM
The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1720
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Posted: 5/15/2008 1:49:18 PM
The Fairy Tale that should have been read to little girls


This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little...

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: ' Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. '

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f-ckin' think so.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1721
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Posted: 5/15/2008 1:54:44 PM
Woodpecker

An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peckable tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1722
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Posted: 5/15/2008 1:57:05 PM
Why Men wear Earrings

Looks like I may have been wrong about this issue, I always thought it because they have latent homosexual tendencies.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck'

(I always wondered how this trend got started) NOW WE KNOW!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1723
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Posted: 5/15/2008 2:08:28 PM
Comparing Pubs

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1724
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Posted: 5/17/2008 1:08:30 PM
Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

*** There are teachers ... and then there are educators. ***
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1725
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Posted: 5/20/2008 4:06:28 PM
Old Lady in Hell

Heaven or Hell ??

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1726
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Posted: 5/20/2008 4:24:54 PM
Airport Tower Transmissions


If you are having a bad day, read these as they will lift your spirits.

***************************************************************
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

*****************************************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



***************************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



******************************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."



****************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."



**************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



********************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



**************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."



*********************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



********************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


********************************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every c0ckpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?
 PrinceVelveeta
Joined: 9/17/2006
Msg: 1727
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:20:24 PM
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her,"That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.





The blonde replies, I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1728
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Posted: 5/21/2008 9:10:58 PM
Quote of the Day

"I don't mind coming to work,
But that eight hour wait to go home is a b!tch."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1730
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Posted: 5/27/2008 12:49:04 PM
WHERE DO RED- HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?' This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1731
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Posted: 6/3/2008 6:20:32 AM
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big d!ck or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1732
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Posted: 6/4/2008 4:21:34 PM
New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...







PINO MORE




I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1733
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Posted: 6/11/2008 4:23:27 PM
Koala Story

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

Shiiiiiiiit, duuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1734
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Posted: 6/11/2008 4:31:17 PM
Sex and Gas..........

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Bubba replied, 'No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1736
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Posted: 6/14/2008 6:46:10 AM
[i[]When's Your Birthay

LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT ANIMAL YOU ARE..

J anuary 01 - 09 ~ Dog
January 10 - 24 ~ Mouse
January 25 - 31 ~ Lion
February 01 - 05 ~ Cat
February 06 - 14 ~ Dove
February 15 - 21 ~ Turtle
February 22 - 28 ~ Panther
March 01 - 12 ~ Monkey
March 13 - 15 ~ Lion
March 16 - 23 ~ Mouse
March 24 - 31 ~ Cat

April 01 - 03 ~ Dog
April 04 - 14 ~ Panther
April 15 - 26 ~ Mouse
April 27 - 30 ~ Turtle
May 01 - 13 ~ Monkey
May 14 - 21 ~ Dove
May 22 - 31 ~ Lion
June 01 - 03 ~ Mouse
June 04 - 14 ~ Turtle
June 15 - 20 ~ Dog
June 21 - 24 ~ Monkey
June 25 - 30 ~ Cat

July 01 - 09 ~ Mouse
July 10 - 15 ~ Dog
July 16 - 26 ~ Dove
July 27 - 31 ~ Cat
August 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
August 16 - 25 ~ Mouse
August 26 - 31 ~ Turtle
September 01 - 14 ~ Dove
September 15 - 27 ~ Cat
September 28 - 30 ~ Dog

October 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
October 16 - 27 ~ Turtle
October 28 - 31 ~ Panther
November 01 - 16 ~ Lion
November 17 - 30 ~ Cat
December 01 - 16 ~ Dog
December 17 - 25 ~ Monkey
December 26 - 31 ~ Dove

If you are a Dog : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never
be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your
attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed.
Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth! ! That explains the
reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for
clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure
are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of
dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified .

If you are a Mouse : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The
mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive
to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No
wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for
all get-together' s. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback.
People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries
to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is
enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Lion: Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace
loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are
required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place
for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to
tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you
receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!!
Well, well... hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter
you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....

If you are a Cat : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy,
with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love
exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under
normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are
like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look
forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle
along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very
easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Turtle : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The
examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.
You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person
who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk
behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can
give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it
back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical
light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a Dove : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in
life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain
unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the
leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their
times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from
hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You
are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess,
hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in
love.....

If you are a Panther : You are mysterious. You are someone who can
handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going
berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected
group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in
the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you
may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help
people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Monkey : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be
done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if
you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You
would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be
dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all
panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning.
When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from
falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1737
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:11:21 PM
Indian Style?

An Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.
'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've
had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?''.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly
is 'Indian style'?'
The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1738
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:19:37 PM
WE IN IRELAND?

"We in Ireland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an
election in the US .

On one side, you have a b!tch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running
against a lawyer who is married to a b!tch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman with
big tits who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there really a contest here?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1739
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:27:44 PM
Voted best joke in Australia

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1740
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/19/2008 2:39:35 PM
A Drunk in a Biker Bar


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
A drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked.'

'Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, 'I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says...................



'Grandpa, ....... Go home, you're drunk.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1741
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2008 8:23:31 AM
What baby are you?

These are adorable and I'll bet they fit your b-day/personality to a T...


---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-earth. Stubborn.
Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.


----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.


-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up Feelings. Observant and assesses others.
If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.



------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and Traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
If you repost this in 5 mins, a Cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.



-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good Imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak too much in the next 4 days.


------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. A wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record/cd collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!
IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.


----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and Loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be with friends. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days


------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an 'everything's peachy' attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of 'that someone'. Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by 'no pain no gain' caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. 'Charming' or 'beautiful' to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.
Repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.


------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys making love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
If you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.


---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
Repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.


--------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.


---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means your the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music
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