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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1742
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History
My Joke Thread.Page 29 of 97    (15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55)
Newlyweds


A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1743
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:34:51 PM
Only at WAL-MART

A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!


WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1744
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:38:29 PM
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said 'NO!'

And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1745
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:47:28 PM
The man and the ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1746
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:07:04 PM
Mensa list 2008.....these are good



The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnatio: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And

The #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1748
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:30:10 PM
Itchy Old Lady

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.

She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'

The doctor said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs. This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1749
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:00:10 PM
XXX - RATED RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between ' ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony ?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

OH, don't groan..
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.
 Jocojay
Joined: 9/8/2007
Msg: 1750
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:30:15 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...... I'm a gynecologist. 'The proctologist fainted!
 BarbWire1
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 1754
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/13/2008 5:05:16 PM
Your Drivers License--Too Cute


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1755
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:24:24 AM
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'






Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward
s- Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with 'dw' Dwarf, dwell and dwindle .

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . ! Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh- Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART.........
Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person!

Well, my job's done!

LIFE IS A JOURNEY.
ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND ENJOY THE BREEZE !!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1756
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:45:48 AM
Gotta love that Country Music.........

You gotta listen to this, itʼs hysterical!!
http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1757
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:50:00 AM
Burial At Sea

Donna and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised
their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his
life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time,
he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched
up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Donna says, 'Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?'

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee
deep said, 'nope, not yet Donna'.

So they row a little farther.... Again Donna asks Barbie, 'Do
You think were out far enough now?'

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Donna is really getting worried
when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says,
'OK, it's finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1758
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:01:08 AM
Bible sales campaign


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.


So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door
for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.


Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?'*

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.'*

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected.'


The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'


Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did*
you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the
minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one
week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in
unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'*

Louie shrugged 'I-I-I re- re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.*

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here a-a-a-and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? -- They still are!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1759
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:13:07 AM
The Least and Most
==================

Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time
and cause the most amount of trouble.

~John Barrymore~
 bodewell
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 1761
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 10:56:02 PM
What was the last phone number for the garden of Eden?


ADAM 8 1 2
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 1762
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:23:58 AM
Dear Friends and Relatives:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise$5,000,000.00 for a monument of Hillary Clinton's heroic stand under Bosnian sniper fire.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall Of Fame. We are having a bit of difficulty as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Hillary Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes,we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,

Hillary Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

P.P.S And another thing... Now let me get this straight. Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. God Bless America !
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 1763
The WHY"S of men!!
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:28:52 AM
>
>
>
>
> WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
>
> Because they are plugged into a genius
>
> WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
>
> They don't have enough time
>
> WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
>
> They don't stop to ask directions
>
> WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
>
> Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock
>
> You're laughing, aren't you?!?!
>
> WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
>
> So they won't hump women's legs at****ails parties
>
> WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
>
> He needed to make a rough draft before the final copy
>
> HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
>
> Don't know.....it never happened
>
> C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!
>
> And the personal favorite:
>
> WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
>
> Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
>
> One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
> "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
> He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
> And they say blondes are dumb?
>
>
>
> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
> happiest woman in the world."
> The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
>
>
>
> "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
>
>
>
> What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> A rumor
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Why do little boys whine?
> They are practicing to be men.
>
>
> What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
> You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>
>
>
> How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
> Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1764
view profile
History
The WHYS of men!!
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:48:49 PM
LIVING WILL FORM

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Martini; ______a Margarita ;______ a Scotch and soda; ______ a Bloody Mary; ______a Gin and Tonic; _______a Glass of Chardonnay; ______a Steak; ______Lobster or crab legs; ______ the remote control; ______a bowl of ice cream; ______ the sports page; ______Sex; _____ or Chocolate.

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________
Date: _____________________


NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a
Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors.
Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If
anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1765
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:48:25 PM
Siamese twins

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario, Canada, and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John; he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.

Feeling slightly awkward the barkeeper tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?'

'Oh, yeah,' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England,' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like all that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers and Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? We can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the barkeeper.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1766
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:52:30 PM
Confessional suggestions to a newbie...

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests,"Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, .. "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"
 guitard
Joined: 4/29/2008
Msg: 1767
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/1/2008 4:32:02 PM
How about "Don't I get dinner and a movie first?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1768
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:58:03 PM
How about "Don't I get dinner and a movie first?"

I don't think that works with this scenario as priests were involved. Sometimes it doesn't even work for dates. As far as I know priests aren't suppose to date. The new Pope isn't that progressive.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1769
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/3/2008 7:01:34 PM
::: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start killing

All the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, run.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1774
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2008 11:11:37 AM
ANNOUNCEMENT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1775
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:14:04 AM
Kids Are Quick...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O...
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is....
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!
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