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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1776
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My Joke Thread.Page 30 of 97    (16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56)
Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed! : 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1777
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Posted: 8/5/2008 12:43:29 PM
'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1778
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Posted: 8/5/2008 12:56:23 PM
RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind
legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to
use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors
are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS AND RUGS

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long
as the human’s bare foot.

BATHROOMS

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything
– just sit and stare.

HAMPERING

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as
“hampering”. Following are the rules for hampering:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the face and the
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, or at
least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and grab the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract
you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery needlepoint
projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim – to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scatter them to the best of your ability. After being removed for
the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the
dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.

BEDTIME

Always sleep on the human at night so he or she cannot move around.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1779
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Posted: 8/6/2008 6:37:57 AM
SOME BABY!

A woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital.

As soon as she's recovered, the doctor came to speak to her:

"Your baby is in good health, but there's something importrant I need to tell you . . ."

The woman became worried:

"What's the matter with my baby, . . . tell me please, what's wrong?"

"There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little . . . different. He's a hermaphrodite."

"Hermaphrodite ??? What is that?"

"Well . . . it means your baby is . . . that he has . . . all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman!"

The woman pales:

Oh my God !!! You mean he has a penis and a brain . . . ?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1780
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Posted: 8/6/2008 7:35:02 PM
Lulu & Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'

She said 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!'

The policeman fainted.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1781
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Posted: 8/7/2008 4:53:21 PM
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe In the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.

'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, 'Well I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll
Ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1782
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Posted: 8/8/2008 7:28:50 AM
Australian empathy


A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.

The Aussie fumed,

'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in,

'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinse Businessman called out

'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said,

'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied,

'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said,

'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said,

'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied,

'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said,

'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1783
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Posted: 8/13/2008 10:36:26 AM
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1785
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Posted: 8/13/2008 2:31:29 PM
A Riddle

What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?



Scroll down


















A Seat belt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1786
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Posted: 8/13/2008 2:41:47 PM
Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

- Argued over nothing.
- Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
- Gained weight.
- Talked excessively without making sense.
- Became overly emotional.
- Couldn't drive.
- Failed to think rationally.
- Had to sit down while urinating.
- Could no longer read maps.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1787
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Posted: 8/27/2008 1:19:56 PM
BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, ' Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the
poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1788
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Posted: 8/31/2008 7:13:35 PM
Technophobes!


=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

===============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1789
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Posted: 9/1/2008 4:58:05 PM
DO OTHER ANIMALS STUTTER??

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',

she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories

could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty

and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start

and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our

yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.



'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And, before he could say 'F-ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1790
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Posted: 9/3/2008 1:15:42 PM
Mexican Maid

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked:

'Now Maria, why should I give you a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now):

'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1791
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Posted: 9/5/2008 2:18:04 PM
Walking EAGLE

The leader of the Liberal Party Stephan Dion was invited to address a major gathering of the First Nations two weeks ago in Ottawa. HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native Canadians present standard of living, should he one day become the Prime Minister. He referred to his career as a Back Bencher, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the he was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Dion with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Stephan then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of Chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Dion. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1792
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Posted: 9/6/2008 2:21:49 PM
Willie Nelson

So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:






'I have outlived my d!ck.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1793
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Posted: 9/7/2008 1:07:51 PM
Police Officer Quiz - almost true


Question:

How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?



Answer:

You pose the following scenario/question, and observe their response:



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?



CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS


Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?

Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?

Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?

Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?

Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?

Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?

Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?

Is he just a squeegee kid/pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?

Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?

Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?

Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?

Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?

Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?

Warn and Charter him as he approaches.











AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!







AMERICAN POLICE OFFICERS



Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click.... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!

Click.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1794
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Posted: 9/7/2008 1:13:00 PM
Gentle Thoughts

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt ..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
mouth...AMEN..!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1795
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Posted: 9/8/2008 1:59:05 PM
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changin g from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said.... You wear pants don't you?
------
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
------
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
-------
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1796
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Posted: 9/8/2008 2:15:00 PM
MY NEW FEMALE UROLOGIST

As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical
establishment.

For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1797
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Posted: 9/11/2008 5:12:00 PM
Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy ! each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1798
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2008 3:55:18 PM
PICK UP LINE

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here, Good Looking, I screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,
back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes
on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever
since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1799
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/15/2008 7:53:05 AM
Proof That The World is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals,but the animals must be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies
to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A
brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower
young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is
expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just
think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but
may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired. (Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish
stores. (But of course!)
*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time
this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold
for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great
country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and

dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of .... ?) (Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1800
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:42:55 AM
CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the c-ckpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up
and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the c-ckpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.

He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'
 Two Tickets
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1801
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Two ladies talking in heaven
Posted: 9/18/2008 9:12:59 AM
Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--we'd both still be alive.
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