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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1802
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Two ladies talking in heavenPage 31 of 97    (17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57)
quickies

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
-----------

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'
Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'
----------

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
----------

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'
He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'
----------

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
 iluv2travel
Joined: 8/6/2007
Msg: 1803
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/18/2008 2:20:18 PM
...................................................................................................................................
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1804
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:35:34 AM
SOMETIMES


Sometimes... when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.... when you are worried.. no one sees your stress

Sometimes.... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.

-

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-


But FART!! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!

You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1807
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/22/2008 8:09:37 AM
Women over 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40. It made me laugh out loud.


As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1809
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/23/2008 9:27:39 AM
The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1811
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:00:57 PM
Indian Style

South Dakota Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1812
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/25/2008 5:21:14 PM
Good deed

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1815
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Posted: 9/26/2008 5:22:56 PM
40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II
appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful **stards should remember
fairies are female.....
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1816
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Posted: 9/28/2008 8:22:25 AM
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely f-cker is reading emails...

- You hang in there
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1817
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/29/2008 4:08:58 PM
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
----------
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
-------------
Can you cry under water?
--------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
--------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
-----------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
-------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
-------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-----------
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
-------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
-------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
-------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
-------------
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
-------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
-------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
-------------
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
-------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
-------------
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
-------------

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything that comes along their way.. "
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1820
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/30/2008 9:46:37 AM
How the mind works?

At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.


This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you.

Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.



Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.



You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.



Start:


How much is:
15 + 6

























3 + 56



























89 + 2

























12 + 53




































75 + 26




































25 + 52





























63 + 32
































I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! Nearly over..


Come on, one more! ...

























123 + 5






















































QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOUR AND A TOOL!










































Scroll further to the bottom....











































A bit more...




















You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1822
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/2/2008 7:34:07 PM
Three dead bodies...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector:

'First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1825
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Posted: 10/4/2008 6:54:05 AM
Great play on words, greynomad!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1826
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:54:34 AM
Parvinder & Habib...


Parvinder and Habib are pandhandlers...
They panhandle in different areas of Surrey.
Habib panhandles just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'.
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars'
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan'.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1827
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Posted: 10/8/2008 1:23:49 PM
::: BREAKING NEWS :::


In 2009 the government will start deporting
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run my little retarded friend, run!



Well, what can I say. Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1828
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Posted: 10/9/2008 1:43:55 PM
Crotchless Underwear


A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

'Want some of this ?' she purred.

'Are you kidding ?' he replied.

'Look what it did to your underwear.'
 BarbWire1
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 1829
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:35:19 AM
A Nurse's Tale



A very tired nurse, walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great..

Some ***hole's got my pen!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1830
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Posted: 10/12/2008 9:06:03 PM
Washington Post Poetry Competition

These are Washington Post competition entries asking for a two-line rhyme
with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed...

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


Who said poetry is boring?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1831
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Posted: 10/17/2008 6:05:02 PM
Some poor humour

1. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Every time'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

2. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

3. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son, that's confidential!'

4. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1832
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Posted: 10/18/2008 7:22:19 AM
The Pearly Gates

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven."

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Southwest Airlines Pilot from Dallas.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here , we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1833
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Posted: 10/20/2008 4:25:17 PM
Thank you all

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past
year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have
them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria
on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell
phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1834
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/21/2008 9:40:27 PM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a female voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my husband caught a glimpse..."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1835
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:38:58 AM
The Tomato Company


An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we
can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.'

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'

'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.
 Egregious Philbin
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 1836
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:15:37 PM
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald....
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1838
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/5/2008 7:38:37 PM
It's important to have a woman who helps at home,who cooks from time to time,cleans up and has a job.
It's important to have a woman,who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman you can trust and doesn't lie to you.
It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
It's VERY,VERY important that these four woman do not know each other...:>)
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