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Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1839
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My Joke Thread.Page 32 of 97    (18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58)

Las Vegas Churches accepts gambling chips







Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1840
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2008 6:40:10 AM
There were many, many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves with all the e-mails I send out. So today I just wanted to tell you.....

Tough Sh!t!

There are no changes scheduled for 2009 either!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1841
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2008 1:27:04 PM
Mrs. Goodnest

Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and
being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he
started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days,
and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother
that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be
like the big boys" he protested loudly.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs.
Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying
at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that
since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for
them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out
following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy
he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted,
kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was
following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Mrs. Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Mrs. Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm, it
says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,'
so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1842
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:08:39 PM
Side by Side

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right there.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... get the f-ck away from me.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1843
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:22:48 PM
Sex Problems

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d!ck or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1844
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:38:51 PM
Old People!

Four old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all four old ladies happily yelled in unison-- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Joined: 1/19/2007
Msg: 1845
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:54:21 PM
A man and his wife

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1846
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:11:29 AM
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1847
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/10/2008 12:58:47 PM
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping




on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1849
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/12/2008 1:20:41 PM
Sex, Church & Pancakes


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1850
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/12/2008 3:39:52 PM
Did you hear about the blonde homeowner?

She paid her mortgage.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1851
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/13/2008 4:59:23 PM
Doctors Visit

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be! She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man. I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1856
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/13/2008 7:20:12 PM
Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fuc*ing forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1857
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/15/2008 8:49:43 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: It never crossed. Before it got to the other side, I shot it, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch. You betcha!

BARACK OBAMA: We'll have to look into that. I had no prior knowledge of the chicken crossing the road. I was only eight years old at the time the chicken crossed the road but I'm sure he did it because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

****CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the others ide of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Did I miss one?
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 1858
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/16/2008 9:57:08 PM
OMG< roflmao...that's quite funny :) I am not one that see's an absolute in either party, but i fully agree with your assessment
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1859
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2008 2:57:43 PM
The Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course. What may I do for

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits;
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1860
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:58:43 PM
HYMN No.365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down.

The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.' Smile, life is too short not to !! See you at the river.
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1861
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2008 6:53:02 PM
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss. Every other day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them....

"No way," the blonde exclaimed."I almost got caught yesterday."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1862
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2008 8:59:48 PM
2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
Joined: 12/22/2007
Msg: 1863
My Joke Thread - turkey recipe
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:37:25 AM
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked but not dried out. Seems so easy I thought I'd share it. Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter and then salt and pepper it. Fill cavity with stuffing and uncooked popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done. Enjoy!

Happy Thanksgiving!
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1864
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/23/2008 11:05:34 AM
The woman entered the room and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the soft, plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach, and stared in her direction. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate and assuring, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big!,,,,,it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again because

she loves shopping for shoes.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1865
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/25/2008 7:26:40 PM
Susie, the Newfie housewife

Susie, the Newfie housewife from Mount Pearl, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've done bloody well suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"God Dam sez Bruce as he tried to pull her up." You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get me buddy
Sonny to help.

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it,"

Sonny Sez, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what da hell wud dat be bye?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles underneat her," replied Sonny.

"Righton, " Bruce sez and "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" sez Sonny, " its not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"Like hell" sez Bruce, " if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1866
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/28/2008 2:46:47 PM
What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ... The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. Keepzemfromfloppen
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 1868
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:25:49 PM
A woman brought her dog to the Vet's because he was having trouble hearing. The Vet examined the dog's ears and proclaimed, "Well here's the problem right here>>your dog has too much hair in his ears!" He instructed her to go buy a bottle of Nair and apply it to the dog's ears. She went to Walgreen's to buy the Nair and while paying for it, the druggist tells her, "If you're using this on your legs, don't go out in the sun for a couple of days". She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs." The druggist replies, "Oh, well then if you're using it under your arms, don't wear deodorant for a couple of days." She replied, "I'm not using it under my arms. If you MUST know, I'm using it on my SCHNAUZER!!" To which the druggist replied, "Oh well, in THAT case, don't ride a bike for a couple of days!"
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