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 ttf650
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 1869
My Joke Thread.Page 33 of 97    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
This is just too funny Miss Unique

this cowboy rides up to a saloon with his horse,hitches his horse to the post and goes in to join a few pals for a few drinks..after they all get pretty drunk,the horse's owner says to the men"hey,i'll give 50 bucks to anyone who can make my horse laugh!"..one pretty smashed guy says "i.ll do it!" and he goes outside to where the horse is while his pals watch at the window laughing their heads off at the thought of what this guy is trying to do..but to their amazement,they see that the horse starts laughing!..the guys goes back into the saloon and back to the table with his friends..the horse's owner,still shocked says "ok..now i'll give you 100 bucks if u can make my horse CRY!"..the guys says "no problem"..and goes out to the horse..and as the guys watch from the window,,sure enough..the horse starts crying!!..the guy comes back in..the horse's owner pays him and says''ok..heres your money..but i gotta ask ya..HOW the heck did u make my horse laugh and then cry?"..the guy replies,with a smirk.."well,..the first time i went out ,i told him i'm bigger than he is...the second time..i SHOWED him!!"
Love your sense of humour.
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1870
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2008 1:15:50 AM
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of Boobs are
there?'

The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are
like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like
pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the

daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'Willies' are there?'


The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an

oak tree Mighty and Hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a
birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a
Christmas Tree'.

'A Christmas Tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up
and the balls are just for decoration
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1871
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2008 1:21:01 PM
Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1872
Thinking of PAClassylady
Posted: 12/4/2008 8:01:33 PM
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes in-verse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1873
view profile
History
My Joke THread
Posted: 12/5/2008 8:57:26 PM
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: Toronto wins the Stanley Cup...


Toronto Maple Leafs Win Stanley Cup!!!

Canada was stunned Monday when it was announced that The Stanley Cup will be awarded to the Toronto Maple Leafs, possibly as early as December 6th.
The cup will be stripped from the 2008 playoff champions the Detroit Red Wings and be awarded to the Leafs, who didn't even make the playoffs.
How is this possible, Canadians ask?
Well, the Leafs have formed a coalition with eastern conference semifinalists the Montreal Canadians, and conference quarter finalists the Ottawa Senators, now outnumbering the Red Wings.
According to current Leaf coach Ron Wilson "the Red Wings have lost the confidence of the league and should hand the cup over immediately to our coalition".
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is cutting short a European trip to try to resolve the unprecedented hockey crisis that could force a second playoff series, or see an opposing team coalition take the cup.
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1875
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/8/2008 6:40:56 PM
High School Government Class....true story....unfortunately.



Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured
some political humor might be in store.

The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School . In one of KC's classes, they were discussing
the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ...

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by c-section?"



And someday she'll vote!



She probably drives now, too.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1876
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/9/2008 10:32:27 AM
A duck hunter


A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor who said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. So I'm going to refer you to my brother."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1877
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/10/2008 4:32:19 PM
Pregnant Turkey


Last year at Christmas , my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took
the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!


 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1878
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/10/2008 8:18:21 PM
Next life.



I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy.

You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So you go to high sch ool: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, you play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally . .. . . You finish off as an orgasm.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1879
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/11/2008 1:20:32 PM
Robin Williams on the election


Robin Williams gets to all of them! Obama, McCain, Palin, Bush, Clinton


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMz1Q3E000
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1880
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/11/2008 5:57:16 PM
Funny! One of my favorites
 w/ehappenz
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 1882
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2008 7:12:57 AM
a father and son are in a drug store and the son asks his dad. "Dad why are there different kinds of condom boxes?" the dad replied "well son you see the pack 3 is for high schoolers Friday Saturday Sunday." Ok says the kid "What about the others?" Dad replies"The 6 pack is for college, 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." The kid asks "What about the 12 pack?" The dad stares down at his son and looks at him and says, "The 12 pack is for the married man; Janurary Feburary March April May June July August September October November December."



How do you castrate a red neck
 w/ehappenz
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 1883
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2008 7:14:31 AM
kick his sister in the jaw


Sex is like math
+ a Partner
- the clothes
divide the legs
and multiply
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1884
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2008 4:22:32 AM
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are engineers, accountants, and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1885
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/15/2008 9:00:48 PM
A lawyer and an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Indians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Indian would like to play a fun game.

The Indian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Indians attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Indian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Indian and hands him $500. The Indian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Indian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? 'The Indian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Indians! ! !
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1886
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/17/2008 7:23:19 PM
Virtual Orgasm Simulator‏

http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1888
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/20/2008 2:23:59 PM
The Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big d!ckhead brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1891
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/21/2008 12:21:25 PM
Tom went to see a urologist the other day. Turned out to be a female.

Best looking woman he ever saw..truly sexy.

She told him he had to stop masturbating.

He asked why?

She said "Cause I am trying to examine you"


 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1892
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/21/2008 6:45:55 PM
Another time, Tom was depressed
so he called the suicide Lifeline.

The call actually went to a call center in Afghanistan.
Tom told them he was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1894
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/22/2008 4:00:29 PM
Decisions, Decisions!

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.....

She replies, "Ours is prettier........"
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1895
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/23/2008 8:12:53 PM
For all Grandfathers or future grandfathers.



Driving with Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter.

One week in particular he came home sick, and on Sunday he was still battling a bad cold and really didn't feel up to going out for a drive at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, Grandpa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb **stard or lousy shit head or son of a **** anywhere we went today!"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1896
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/23/2008 8:13:59 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall..

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
 glennE23
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 1897
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/24/2008 10:23:06 PM
I am really sorry about this but.....

Newly married couple arrive in a hotel in Scotland (you know where most Yanks think they come from) at 4.30 am. The guy on the desk sees them upstairs etc.

15 minutes later the guy comes down stairs. Fishing hat tackle, rods nets the works. He is heading for the door.

The guy on desk thinks NO. So he calls over. Sorry sir, couldn't help noticing you are a newlywed. Shouldn't you be up there, you know......

The guy looks at him for a while and says, to be honest she has gonnorhea (if you can find a better spelling good luck).

Guy on desk says, well surely sir its your wedding night! Could she not play the pink oboe for you.

Chap replies, she would but she has pyorhia as well (gum desease)

Well sir surely, given it's your wedding night she might think about taking it up the old Gary Glitter.

No mate diorhea (sod off with the spelling).

Then why did you marry her? ( a good question, we are all asking about now!)

He lifts his fishing rod and says (I am so so sorry for this) the maggots
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1899
My Joke Thread
Posted: 12/27/2008 1:34:20 PM
Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1900
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/29/2008 5:05:21 PM
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of b lank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".
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