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Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1902
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My Joke Thread.Page 34 of 97    (20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60)
I am only sending this to my smart friends. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7 . Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try.
Look at each word carefully.

(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)
This Is Cool.




Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
(Thought I had the answer, but I did not go far enough.)

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1903
Sports news
Posted: 1/3/2009 11:42:59 AM
In Sports News recently:

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew.......

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's program to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However-Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1904
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/3/2009 9:36:36 PM
Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with.......


A Misdewiener!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1905
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:17:54 AM
After Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself
in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again
to do battle with dirt

I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"

So away with the last
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food
that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional
ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie
- not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew
on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore
But isn't that what
January is for?

Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1906
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:20:50 AM

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1907
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/5/2009 5:13:12 PM
Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1908
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/6/2009 8:53:01 PM

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It contains a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", in the subject line, do not open it. It contains nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1909
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/8/2009 2:46:54 PM
Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2..

2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk'. What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???

If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1910
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/9/2009 7:11:49 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1911
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/9/2009 7:29:24 PM

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 1912
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2009 4:43:50 AM
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One looks up at the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"


A grasshopper goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "What..... Kevin?"

Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 1913
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2009 4:54:15 AM
A policeman pulls over a driver for speeding.
The policeman goes to the window and asks "Have you been drinking tonight, Sir?"

The driver opens the door, falls out of his car, gets up and replies:
"Nup. I havn't had a cu*t all day, drinkstable."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1914
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:56:30 PM
'The Pasta Diet and Your Health


1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3... You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1915
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2009 9:06:20 PM
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1916
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2009 9:12:52 PM

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No. Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - are Paul and Mary up yet ? She replies - No. Johnny says - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school .

After school Johnny comes home and asks again - are Paul and Mary up
yet ? His mom says - No. He asks - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - Ok, now tell me what you think.

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..
I gave him my airplane glue.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1917
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/12/2009 8:55:04 AM
Politically Correct Terms ... for the male

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a vehicular addiction.

He does not hog the blankets; he is thermally unappreciative.

He is not unsophisticated; he is socially malformed.

He is not a sex machine; he is romantically automated.

He is not short; he is anatomically compact.

He is not balding; he is in follicle regression.

He does not fart and belch; he is gastronomically expressive.

He is not a redneck; he is a genetically-related American.

He is not stupid; he suffers from minimal cranial development.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is monogamously challenged.

He does not get falling down drunk; be becomes accidentally horizontal.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1918
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/12/2009 9:09:30 AM
Politically Correct Terms ... for the female

Her breasts will never sag; they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get PMS; she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV; she is athletically biased.

She does not have big hair; she is overly aerosoled.

She does not snore; she is nasally repetitive.

She is not a bad cook; she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver; she is automotively challenged.

She is not a gossip; she is a verbal terminator.

She is not hooked on soap operas; she is melodramatically fixated.

She will never gain weight; she will become a metabolic underachiever.

She does not shop too much; she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.

She does not shave her legs; she experiences temporary stubble reduction.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1919
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/12/2009 9:23:14 AM
Politically Correct Phrases ... for students

No one fails a class anymore; he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention; you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's just passage restrictive.

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore; they merely "hit social speed bumps."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You weren't passing notes in class; you were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not late; you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day; you are suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odour-retentive athletic footwear."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience".
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1921
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/12/2009 2:57:16 PM

Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the priest
that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Schmitty, indeed it is a sin....
Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1922
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:28:44 AM
Marriage humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 1923
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/14/2009 1:42:00 AM
The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

" First, Mom and Dad made
him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach,
and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh,
Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical
duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1924
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/15/2009 9:30:09 AM

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.

It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do a bout it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1926
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/15/2009 2:47:58 PM
The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage.

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly
husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the
Priest asked Mario, who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.

Mario replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried
to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is
that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!

The Priest responded, 'Mario, you are an amazing inspiration
to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary...'

Mario proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go get her.'
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1927
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/15/2009 7:21:40 PM
The Tea Set

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know. )

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1929
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/16/2009 11:48:13 AM
The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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