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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1930
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My Joke Thread.Page 35 of 97    (21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61)
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart


50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Canadians plant gardens.



35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

Italian Cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down



32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)

American water freezes

Canadian water gets thicker.



0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.



-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

Mt. St. Helens freezes.

Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.



-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Canadians pull down their ear flaps.



-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg



-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

Absolute zero - all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"



-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

Hell freezes over.

The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1933
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:09:59 PM
Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten The dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the following ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1934
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:12:16 PM
The Wal-Mart Cat

A Redhead was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!


Why WAL-MART???


HELLOOOOOOOOO!?



WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world!!!


Sorry, I couldn't resist
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1935
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:48:44 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1936
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:50:09 PM
A RETIREE'S THOUGHT

My wife said, "What are you doing today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1937
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/22/2009 12:52:00 PM
Bushisms

You can't make this stuff up!

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'

'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'

'The future will be better tomorrow.'

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '

'Public speaking is very easy.'

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1938
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/22/2009 7:44:53 PM
COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . .
65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows
down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves,
wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout
before it gets cold.

20 above Zero
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling
cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't
start the Snow-mobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying...'Cold
enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late



 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1939
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/23/2009 11:30:56 AM
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.


'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.


'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


'My Mom won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend.


'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.
'Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1940
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/24/2009 2:23:08 AM
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. THAT'S FOR SURE!!


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. (I put the remote in a sandwich baggie - works great!)


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I' m pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me..


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army....and they promote the Gay Society, as well.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician....


Now - Go have a wonderful day,
ya' hear???
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1941
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/24/2009 1:28:13 PM
Jack the Newfie

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack, being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
"You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1942
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/24/2009 2:49:51 PM
Face Recognition ...this is cool


This is a test to see how well you can remember faces and when. There are two parts
A and B, and each part will have 12 photos of faces. You only have a short time, 4
seconds, to see each face before the program moves to the next face. Part A will
begin and when that is finished you can start

Part B. When Part B is finished, the test will begin. The test will consist of
showing 48 faces and below each face you will have a choice of choosing whether you
have seen the face, either in Part A or in Part B, or whether or not you have seen
the face at all. After you have made you selection for face number 48 your score
will appear and you will be able to see how you scored.


Enjoy


http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/instructions_1.shtml
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1943
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/26/2009 6:55:33 AM
The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director 'How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1944
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/26/2009 11:23:19 AM
Fairy Tale


One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or ****.


But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1945
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/26/2009 3:05:29 PM
Exercise For People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand,
extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there
as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then
relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand, and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
________________________________
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1948
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2009 9:18:09 AM
Stay! Stay!


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Wal-Mart Super Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

' Stay! Stay!'


The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put it in park?
 Ghost08*
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 1949
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/27/2009 12:15:11 PM

if we do not succed we run the risk of failure


that was my favorite bushism

but i also liked--"Rarely is the question asked 'IS our children learning?'---"lol
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1950
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/27/2009 1:51:59 PM
The Mountie and the Newfie

A Mountie pulled a car over on the TransCanada about 3 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was just fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a speeding ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old Newfie boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened the rear door and then got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk Newf what he thought he was doing.

The Newfie then replied to the Mountie ...

You might as well take me to jail ... "Cause there's no f-ckin` way I can pass that test"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1951
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Posted: 1/28/2009 6:21:16 AM
SICK LEAVE:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,'…And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1952
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:05:08 AM
Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
A: It's for Peckerheads.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1953
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/28/2009 2:00:27 PM
Comments Made in the Year 1955!

That's only 54 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going
to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail
a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, no one will be able to hire
outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost
29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long
as the girls.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every
new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man
on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they
call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas '

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the Prime Minister.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to
stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's
too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1954
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:32:10 PM
The Cowboy Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still gidn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1955
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/31/2009 7:50:13 PM
A Cape Breton Story

A man from New York was on vacation hiking through the Highlands of Cape Breton .

He came upon the nicest and tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' he asked.

'Yep, I'm here' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the New York tourist.

'Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the tourist.

'Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the Yankee, ' are you never together as a family?, I'd like to meet your family'

'Sure, anytime, but not here,' said the kid through the door, 'This is the sh!thouse.'
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 1957
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:44:18 PM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention . She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1958
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/6/2009 3:50:45 PM
Ole and Sven go fishing

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
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