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Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1959
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My Joke ThreadPage 36 of 97    (22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62)
Drinking with a Canadian Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico,
our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz
he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the
glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to
make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice

The Canadian girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and
calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal
aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Canada
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1960
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:23:04 PM
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven ! ! !

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 1961
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/8/2009 10:22:42 PM
This is old school but you'll be singing away with it all night...
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1962
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/9/2009 11:50:59 AM
The Sex Fairy

This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times.

Now sex has been sent to you. The 'Hot Sex Fairy' will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 5 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 1963
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/10/2009 4:44:25 PM
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.

And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1965
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/11/2009 7:56:25 AM
Click on the year you were born and read the news for that year

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Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 1969
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:18:24 AM
Union Rules ...
A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

No," she replied, "I´m sorry it isn´t."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offendedat such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That´s more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I´d like her," he said.

"I´m sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she´s next
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1972
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2009 3:50:06 PM
The Dentist

Guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the
girl's Place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and
then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and
washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and
says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says
" did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a
good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm
a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!" she replied.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1973
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:15:27 AM
The Spider

Click on the site below, boy will you ever get a surprise. Read instructions below first.....

Poke and prod the spider with your mouse, also 'grab' one of its legs with your mouse and drag it around the screen. Tell me it's not alive!

Also, anywhere on the map put the cursor and then hit the space bar and it leaves little bugs one at a time. Watch the spider go after them where you "drop" them and when she catches them they disappear; this is totally crazy and creepy too!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1974
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/17/2009 4:37:06 PM
A Newfie Joke

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1975
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/18/2009 5:43:08 AM

Even if you believe that the American auto industry, credit/banking/mortgage businesses, airlines, etc. are too important to allow to fail, this will put it all in perspective.


Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1976
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/18/2009 10:37:54 AM
Thought of the Day.... Laugh and be happy

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1977
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/19/2009 9:43:20 AM
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

(5. must be missing because this is about rednecks.)

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1979
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/19/2009 1:15:58 PM
Revenue Canada Audit

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."

"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1981
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/21/2009 6:06:20 AM
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called ..........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
the seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes;
now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 1982
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/21/2009 8:03:06 AM
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the****it and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the****it and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 1983
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/21/2009 8:07:35 AM
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day.
Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.
Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1985
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/22/2009 9:38:03 AM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 1986
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/22/2009 10:26:08 AM
Locked my key's in my car the other day. Do not ask people for a coat hanger that work at planned parenthood.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1988
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/22/2009 3:42:24 PM
Frosty grooves to Ray Charles

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1989
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/22/2009 7:31:54 PM

Way down in the out parts of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said: 'Hey, Murph! Yus jus' had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!'

Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, Hold on!We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got yourself a daughter!!!! She's a pretty lil' ting too.'

Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,'Murph, you just had yourself anudder boy!'

Murph said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, t'was probably something dat happened durin' de conception.'

Murph said, 'Ah yeah, durin' de conception.'.........

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night dat we ran outa da Vaseline and we hada use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a durn good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1992
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2009 4:15:05 PM
Can't believe this - the technology is mind-boggling !

This is a photo from the 2009 Inauguration, In which you can see IN FOCUS
The face of each individual in the crowd !!!

You can scan, double click and zoom to any section of the crowd, wait a few seconds and the focus adjusts.

The picture was taken with a robotic camera at 1,474 megapixel. (295 times the standard 5 megapixel camera)

Makes you wonder who's watching us right now !!!!!!!!

Find Michelle Obama for one. There's lots of familiar faces near her. Double click behind the big white pillar in the middle of the page, lower left third. Remember her gold dress.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1993
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2009 4:31:33 PM
Towel Heads

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like being called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads". Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1994
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2009 4:38:07 PM

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!


This is pretty neat

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759...

If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1995
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2009 5:28:26 PM
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04.People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07.Things you buy now won't wear out.

08.You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09.You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.You sing along with elevator music.

14.Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19.You can't remember who sent you this list.
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