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 trillium0
Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 1996
My Joke Thread.Page 37 of 97    (23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63)
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.


After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

"Because I don't want any of those ****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, Putting Your Affairs In Order.
 carterscutie85
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 1997
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2009 1:52:15 PM
lmao @ that last one..
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 1998
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2009 5:22:40 PM
Teenager comes home,
starts looking everywhere
finally asks Granny,
"Have you seen my LSD?"

"Fergit that kid, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 1999
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2009 7:16:28 PM
Elderly Road Trip...(Remind you of anyone you know?)


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,

And she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2000
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2009 7:21:49 PM
The Koala and the Lizard


A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink???
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2001
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Posted: 3/3/2009 9:08:44 AM
A Greek and a Scotsman

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day
discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the
Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... It was the Scots that discovered the
Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The
Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the
first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the
ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots
who introduced it to women.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2002
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Posted: 3/3/2009 9:11:49 AM
Listen to this one

CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS ... PRICELESS !!
This will definitely make you laugh! Turn up your sound and click on the website below. The accident occurred in the Dallas - Ft. Worth area. This is a phone call from a man who witnesses the accident involving four elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on C.H.U.M. FM; they put it on their website. The guy's laugh is contagious.
Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2003
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Posted: 3/4/2009 1:18:39 PM
REDNECK JOKES

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D.?'.
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A new Redneck law was just recently passed .
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them..'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2008
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Posted: 3/9/2009 7:53:50 AM
The Cape Breton Nursing Home

A Newfoundland family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Newfoundland facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a mainland home.

After a few weeks in the Sydney facility, they came to visit grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson...

'It's wonderful! everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says
grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.'

Grandpa says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here.... he's 85
years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still
calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here.... he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'

'There's a dentist here.... 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'

'And me.... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F-cking Newfy'.'
 LB075
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 2009
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Posted: 3/10/2009 7:44:29 AM
I wish i was Pat Crowne!! This is adult humour - not for feint of hearted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvZ8GMEgjZk
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2010
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Posted: 3/12/2009 5:38:15 AM
Getting older in Florida


A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?"
********************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
********************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied. To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'"
********************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2011
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Posted: 3/13/2009 4:01:14 PM
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M

N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5

= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing

Will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7

= 118%



So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2012
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Posted: 3/14/2009 5:28:55 PM
The Bailout Mascot

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a sense of security While you are actually being screwed.


Damn, it doesn't get more accurate than that.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2013
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Posted: 3/16/2009 7:13:25 AM
Hot and Cold Sex


After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2014
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Posted: 3/22/2009 6:45:22 AM
Wouldn't you love to say this to someone???

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable .... like a coma.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

Don't believe everything you think.

Well aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need.

Shhh . . . that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

I don't know what your problem is . . . but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

Would you like some cheese to go with that whine.

You're not yourself today. . . I noticed the improvement immediately.

Don't let your mind wander . . it's too small to be let out on its own.

I hear you changed your mind at last . . . what did you do with the diaper?

I'm going south for the winter . . actually . . some parts of me are already there.

Life is too short to dance with ugly men.

If a man's home is his castle . . HE can learn to clean it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in public schools.

If there is a tourist season how come we can't shoot them?

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

My sex life isn't dead but the buzzards are circling.

If you woke up breathing congratulations ! You have another chance.

My bra is more of a cross-your waist.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2015
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Posted: 3/22/2009 3:38:55 PM
Sentence Structure

Why Sentence Structure is so Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh!t.'
 brewswain
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 2016
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/23/2009 6:21:08 AM
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.

If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.

If you cry…………you’re a wimp.
If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive **stard.

If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination.
If she asks you………it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert.
If you don’t ….you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist.
If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain.
If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something.
If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself.
If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache…………she’s tired.
If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often………you’re over sexed.
If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.

So why do men die first?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2018
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Posted: 3/29/2009 9:09:34 AM
2007 Newfoundland Quarters


Hang on to any of the new 2007 Newfoundland Quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device.

The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Newfoundlanders.

Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2019
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Posted: 4/3/2009 10:15:14 PM
Redneck word of the year:

"OBAMA"

I bought me a case of beer and drank it OBAMA self!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2020
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Posted: 4/6/2009 7:17:33 AM
Don't break the elastic!


In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting.'
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this: 'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back..'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

I invite you to send this to five phenomenal women today...
If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem..
If you don't...the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles!

Believe me, I didn't take any chances on My elastic breaking....I posted this here!
 PAClassyLady
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 2021
Viva Vivienne!
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:10:28 AM
Love that last post, as all of yours. May your coconuts always hang higher than your grass skirt!

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2022
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Posted: 4/6/2009 12:09:41 PM
Thanks PAClassyLady. May your friends support you as much as your bra does!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2024
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Posted: 4/7/2009 9:59:24 AM
Judas Asparagus

If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It wouln't be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

You must share this delightful story!
 PAClassyLady
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 2025
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:42:52 AM

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

I saw this in today's NYTimes. Typo? I think not!
~~~~~
BYU Student Paper Removed After Caption Error
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: April 7, 2009
Filed at 11:32 a.m. ET

PROVO, Utah (AP) -- One edition of the Brigham Young University student newspaper has been pulled from newsstands because of a typo in a caption that referred to Mormon leaders as apostates instead of apostles.

An apostate is someone who has abandoned religious faith.

A photo in Monday's Daily Universe showed members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, a governing body of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which owns the university.

The caption called the group the ''Quorum of the Twelve Apostates.''
University spokeswoman Carri Jenkins says it was an honest mistake that happened when an editor was doing a computerized spell check.

Most copies of the press run of 18,000 were picked up. A corrected version was distributed later Monday.
~~~~~

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2026
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Posted: 4/7/2009 7:14:19 PM
6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot too and I needed company ...
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