Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2027
view profile
History
My Joke ThreadPage 38 of 97    (24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64)
The Missing Letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says,'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

'CELEBRATE!!!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2028
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2009 3:22:44 PM
Finally for Women!!!


Check put this link below to youtube!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SXNAtwYMBw
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2029
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/13/2009 7:15:09 PM
Clean your computer screen

I know you don't clean your computer screen very often and it is hard to do the inside, so here is my present to you.

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2030
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/15/2009 9:09:50 PM
FINALLY, THE ANSWER.......‏

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2031
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/16/2009 1:28:46 PM
Too Old To Squat

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his tocky. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'

The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'

The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

'Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'
 AManWhoCares
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 2032
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/16/2009 2:16:53 PM
Two Men, Bill and Ted are working on a Sawmill when suddenly Ted saws his arm off. Bill takes the arm, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes Ted to the Hospital. The Next Day Bill comes to see Ted in Rehab playing Tennis. They go back to work at the sawmill and a few hours later Ted saws his leg off. Bill takes the leg, puts it in a plastica bag and rushes Ted to the Hospital. The Next Day Bill comes to see Ted in Rehab playing Football. They go back to work for the third time at the Sawmill when suddenly and somehow, Ted Saws his own Head off, so Bill takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes Ted to the Hospital. The Next Bill comes in and asks to See Ted when the lady behind the counter replies, "Oh Him, we would have saved him but some idiot put his head in a plasitc bag and he suffocated!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2033
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/16/2009 5:07:55 PM
Revising 60's Hits

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2034
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/17/2009 1:37:05 PM
Parrotshooting

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2035
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/20/2009 7:27:43 AM
The Vanilla pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share.. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat..'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

Send this to anyone you think needs a good laugh!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2036
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/21/2009 3:40:42 PM
You Gotta Love This Guy !!!


To The Guy Who Tried To Mug Me Downtown

Savannah Georgia Night Before Last ...


Date: 2009-03-13, 3:43 A.M.

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.

I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.

Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver's side.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed ... and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated.

I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.

Alex
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2037
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:42:31 PM
Fox News Cowering

Fox is already cowering down to the President

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show
Enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced
That they will now air " America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2038
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:18:51 AM
$100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the
hell have you been?' Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A
tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a
hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell
were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disdain. 'Why on
earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?' Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a
while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my
hand. And, Lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in Room 232..
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2039
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/28/2009 4:54:55 PM
Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:


'Aww so sowwy... excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2040
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/29/2009 4:49:04 PM
Own up in church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ' Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family. '

No one moved. The preacher continued, ' Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. ' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ' Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. '

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2041
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/1/2009 10:37:24 AM
Newfies


Two Newfies are walking down a street in Toronto, when they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

One Newfie says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of dese, take 'em back to St John’s , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'c ause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I'll try to sound like we're from Ontario.

So they go in and one of the Newfie says with his best Ontario accent, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Newfoundland, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Newfie. "How'd you know dat!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2042
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/1/2009 8:18:07 PM
DOG FOOD

TRIP TO WAL-MART.....


Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2043
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/4/2009 1:22:29 PM
The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2044
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/4/2009 1:26:02 PM
IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?


Number 1: Best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) ...in Jesus' name, Amen
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2045
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/5/2009 1:53:55 PM
Poem to MOM

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2046
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/5/2009 2:03:05 PM
YOUR YEARLY DEMENTIA TEST


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it you lose it! below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.



Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?








Answer: 'bread' If you said 'toast', give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said 'bread' go to question 2.


2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk'.

What do cows drink?







Answer: Cows drink water. if you said 'milk' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature with lots of pictures.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks and a pink house is made of pink bricks and a black house is made of black bricks, what is a green house made from?







Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks' why are you still reading these???

If you said 'glass' go on to question 4


4. It's twenty odd years ago, and a plane is flying at 20.000 feet over Germany (If you recall, Germany at that time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. fortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land?







Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors' proceed to the next question.


5. Without using a calculator - you are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon ,two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Heaven. What is the name of the bus driver?






Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU !!!

Now if you pass this along to your friends you need to pray they do better than you. 95% of people fail these questions.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2048
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/6/2009 2:38:03 PM
Getting Old Is Not For Sissies!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

------------------------------------------

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-------------------------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"


-------------------------------------------


An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
-------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


-------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty."

-------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful'"


--------------------------------------------

And last my favorite


I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2050
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/10/2009 1:48:32 PM
Politically Incorrect Humour


I KNOW!! BUT, I have to admit, I laughed out loud because even though God will get me for this, they are so damn funny anyway!!

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.

It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman a C-nt.

********************

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

********************

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but f-ck me, pass the parcel was quick!!!

********************

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

********************


I'm not racist. Racism is a crime.......and crime is for black people.

********************

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ won't it f-cking start?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2051
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/11/2009 7:20:39 PM
Bananas

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of high blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesi um found in them , help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2052
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/11/2009 7:30:40 PM
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. ( Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle.' An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer’s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, or a trip to the next county or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.



Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2053
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/12/2009 9:02:02 AM
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - Newfie Style

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.

'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for 1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.

'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances, and repeated the question to him.

'Fawkin Ell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'

'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.

'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.

'Dat it is Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fawk-all about birds.'

'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >