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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2054
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My Joke ThreadPage 39 of 97    (25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65)
A Gift From God

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more
it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
 LondonerDan
Joined: 7/21/2006
Msg: 2055
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/12/2009 11:04:48 AM
I laughed like a madman at some of the posts.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2056
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/12/2009 3:08:51 PM
A NEWFIE STORY

George met Mick in the street and said, "Mick, you will have to draw your
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future."
"Why?" Mick asked.
"Because," said George, "the entire street was laughing when they saw you
making love yesterday."
Mick said, "Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2057
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2009 9:13:18 AM
THE SHOPPING TRIP

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50 percent. Then her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided just to look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.

Anyhow she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!'

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2058
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2009 9:15:12 AM
The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy..

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy..

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Aren't you sorry I posted this here?????
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 2059
Marriage warning
Posted: 5/14/2009 9:16:04 AM
After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at
my wife one
day & said,
"Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a
sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to
sleep every
night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal. Now I have a $
650,000 home, a
$55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 54
year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up
your side of
the bargain".

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she
would make
sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a
cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black
& white TV.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2060
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 5/14/2009 1:37:41 PM
A little known fact



The first testicular guard (jock strap) was used in cricket in 1874 and the
first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2061
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Posted: 5/20/2009 4:06:19 PM
A Mother's Love

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2062
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Posted: 5/21/2009 11:20:46 AM
Spiders

This one really brought a tear to my eye......very moving.


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay sh!t in our garden' she said.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2064
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Posted: 5/22/2009 5:05:34 PM
The Last Nickel


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,” I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with Revenue Canada.'
 las_ky4
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 2067
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/23/2009 3:22:44 PM
Here's one of the funniest ones I've heard in a long time, I think I've been in the same store with this guy before!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to s**t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your a** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing; I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement #2." Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my colon, I appeared o be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbor as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a moment of reckoning was to come, yet just not sure when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "uh-oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad dash for the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing; when you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal a**plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable. "Oh my God," floating above the toilet seat because my a** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe." He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "son of a b****", then quickly left.

Once I finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes, It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose, and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from teh premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day, I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. B*****ds claim they are going to have to repaint the store.....
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2068
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Posted: 5/25/2009 1:00:16 PM
Quick thinking

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2069
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Posted: 5/26/2009 4:35:03 PM
Today's lesson


Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ' Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
 pentrell01
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 2070
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Posted: 5/27/2009 6:55:20 AM

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy..

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy..

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Aren't you sorry I posted this here?????


Yeah I like that one - very good, thanks
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2071
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Posted: 5/27/2009 10:32:51 AM
Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2072
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Posted: 5/28/2009 12:27:27 PM
Sweet little poem!‏

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!


Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

Why not send this on to other old farts and bring a smile...or....tear to them!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2073
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Posted: 5/30/2009 7:33:32 AM
7% - Something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!

NOT A JOKE BUT WORTH THE READ

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!! .........
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To CELEBRATE GROWING OLDER, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to WASTE TIME HATING anyone...

4. Your job won't TAKE CARE OF you when you are sick.
Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. AGREE TO DISAGREE.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others.. You have no idea what their JOURNEY is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, BEAUTIFUL or JOYFUL.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does MAKE YOU STRONGER.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take “NO” for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.. TODAY IS SPECIAL.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. BE ECCENTRIC NOW. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the BRAIN.

25. No one is IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words
'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, IT WILL CHANGE.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. MIRACLES ARE WAITING EVERYWHERE.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. LIFE isn't tied with a bow, but IT'S STILL A GIFT
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2074
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Posted: 5/30/2009 7:42:53 AM
QUOTE OF THE DAY

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2075
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Posted: 5/30/2009 7:58:46 AM
blonde joke

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets
up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she
will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto
and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the c-ckpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, who belongs in
economy class, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto
and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married
to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh,
I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto ".
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2076
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/30/2009 8:02:22 AM
The Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.

Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting.
 itsmillertime6227
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 2078
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:03:01 AM
Not to be a stiffler about jokes...and I normally don't do this but helmets were used in recreational sports long before 1974...and in warfare for thousands of years before that.
 michellebella41
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 2080
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:07:13 AM
thats an awesum joke :)
 michellebella41
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 2081
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:09:59 AM
lmaoo thats a crackup
 urbanite trekker
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 2082
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:55:44 AM
Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman .

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2084
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Posted: 6/3/2009 1:45:42 PM
Inspiration Story


I just pass them on




Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...






F~ck - I could win this!'
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