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 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 229
My Joke Thread.Page 4 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 231
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/29/2005 5:21:00 PM
Ok, I'm placing this article in the joke thread although it's from Discover magazine because I didn't want to "frighten" too many people. The comments about the list are that of the writer and not mine. I have enough of a scientific background to know that numbers 18, 19 and 20 are the only ones that are farfetched.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Taken from the pigdog journal:

"And You Thought All You Had to Worry About Was H-bombs"


By JRoyale

Deadly Things




Discover Magazine has developed a list of 20 potential ways the world could end. Some of them are pretty cool. Others are Sci-Fi clich├ęs. They obvious had to stretch to make it to 20.

I'm not buying #3 (Vacuum Collapse) or #5 (Magnetic Field Failure). #18 (Alien Invasion) has some promise... but space is pretty big, so those Damn Ay-leens are probably pretty far away and not very interested in us. Personally, if I had my choice, I take #20... but that's just me.

The complete list:

1. Asteroid impact
2. Gamma-ray burst
3. Collapse of the vacuum
4. Rogue black holes
5. Giant solar flares Solar flares
6. Reversal of Earth's magnetic field
7. Flood-basalt volcanism
8. Global epidemics
9. Global warming
10. Ecosystem collapse
11. Biotech disaster
12. Particle accelerator mishap
13. Nanotechnology disaster
14. Environmental toxins
15. Global war
16. Robots take over
17. Mass insanity
18. Alien invasion
19. Divine intervention
20. Someone wakes up and realizes it was all a dream
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 232
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/29/2005 5:24:26 PM
"whywork.org" taken from the pigdog journal

You Are Being Eaten By Invisible Vampires
2002-10-12 1224

By Mr. Bad




So, anyways, did I mention that I learned toki pona? I learned toki pona. And as much as I loathe the vapid philosophy behind the tokipona.org Web site, I gotta say: I'm glad they have a link to whywork.org.

I hate working. Hate it. Hate being told what to do, hate being on the hamster wheel of work-spend-work-spend, hate the stress, hate tying up my inner well-being with somebody's idea of what's good for some faceless and loathesome corporation. I hate working.

I don't believe in the power of work to make you a better individual. I have been "in the work force" for, gawd, almost 15 years, and it hasn't made me any better. I am just as bad a person today as when I got my first high-school job. Work has not improved me one tiny bit.

Work does not help my self-exteem, either. I feel like parboiled shitburgers after a day of working. I don't feel like a happy member of the Burger King team. I feel like I got run over by a lard truck. I have a lot of things in my life that I'm proud of, but most of them involve drug and alcohol binges, sex, driving recklessly and being a smart-ass. The ones that involve work are fleeting and minor.

So, anyways, work is stupid, boring, and wrong. There's obviously enough money and stuff in the world that we should all be able to live like KINGS and go to work once a week, maybe, do our time a bit and then go home and have great monkey sex and eat ice cream. I really believe this. The fact that we all still live like disposable soot-faced 19th-century factory children is abominable.

But I have a hard time expressing these things. I dunno. Nobody believes me when I say that we should have an economy BEYOND WORK, probably because I'm lazy, contrary, and unemployed. And it's not the American Way, after all. Work is what we do. Work is what makes you valuable in this world.

So I was kind of glad to find the link below on the toki pona Web site. whywork.org is all about telling people to QUIT ****ING WORKING. Which is a great message. I can mine that site for excellent anti-work propaganda. You should look at it, too. Ha ha ha!
 Frrosty
Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 233
Some things to note
Posted: 12/30/2005 3:12:25 PM
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
a felony trial --it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you
have a locker room in the police station--a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through
that room...
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 248
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:43:32 PM
THE PUNK AND THE AOLD MAN

An old man was sitting on a bench at the local mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 astrosky
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 262
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:08:58 AM
If girls with big boobies work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

I-HOP.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 266
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 6:51:08 AM
WOMEN ARE EVIL II

There was an opening for an assasin at the FBI. Three people applied for the job, two men and a woman. All three were called in to interview on the same day. First up was Ed. Ed walked into the room, and was asked do you have what it takes to do this job? Ed quickly replied, yes I do. The man then handed Ed a gun and was told that his wife was in the next room - kill her. Ed said there is no way that i could kill my wife. The man then replied, you're free to go. Next up was Bob. The man handed Bob a gun and said your wife is in the next room - kill her. Bob went into the next room and 5 minutes later he came out, crying and stateing, i tried, but i just can't kill my wife. The man said, you're free to go. Next up was Betty. The man handed betty a gun and said your husband is in the next room - kill him. Betty entered the room and soon there were six shots fired. Then there was screaming, yelling and furniture breaking. Betty then came out of the room and stated...



the gun was filled with blanks, I had to kill the **stard with the chair.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 267
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:22:34 AM
FROG LOAN

A frog walks into a bank and up to a teller who's name is Patty Whack. The frog says my name is Kermit Jagger, my father is Mick Jagger and he knows the manager of this bank. I would like to take out a $30,000 loan. Ms. Whack asks the frog if he has anything for collateral. The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small elephant made of marble. The teller says that she must speak with the manager before she can approve the loan. The teller walks in the back and explains the story to her manager. She then shows him the elephant for collateral and asks what is this? The manager then replies...................



It's a knick knack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 273
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 12:10:33 PM
MAN OF THE HOUSE



The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



His wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my guess."
 Greenstar1
Joined: 6/14/2005
Msg: 281
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:29:02 AM
Good one, *classy_canuck*
I'm still a hole behind you!"

Don't believe I saw my fave quadreplegic jokes yet...
1. quad in a pool....Bob
2. quad hanging on a wall....Art
3. quad in a pile of leaves....Russell
4. quad in a hole....Phil
5. quad bull-fighter....Gord

Also...How are women like KFC?
When you are done with the legs and the breasts, there is a greasy box to slide the bone in.
 Frrosty
Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 285
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 2:05:21 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 287
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 6:28:11 PM
man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit
him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with
the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week.
Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife
bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she
had hit again.

"Your horse phoned"
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 290
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 1:12:17 AM
Quote :
Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.


Hey, I am teachable and always looking to improve myself
 LMAN_67
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 293
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 5:27:43 AM
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden
he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 LMAN_67
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 294
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 7:40:21 AM
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 295
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 11:15:28 AM
A teacher is giving a grammar lesson and asks if any of the children can use the word beautiful, twice in the same sentence.
Julie raised her hand and said, "my mother was making a beautiful dinner and she used beautiful vegetables".
Ronnie then raised his hand and said, "my mother was making a beautiful dress, and when she put it on she looked beautiful".
The teacher told them that they had both did well, then asked Johnny if he could do it.
Johnny stood up and said, "last night my sister told my father that she was pregnant and my father said 'beautiful, f'ing beautiful'."
 Acecomedian
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 300
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:44:22 AM
A Business man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1.) it had never been occupied;
(2.) that there was plenty of heat;
(3.) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home......

Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
 Acecomedian
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 305
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/15/2006 3:23:55 PM
Many years ago there was a wealthy gentlemen who had a large house in the country. He had a caretaker who would take him to town in the horse and buggy to run his errands. Whenever he had to travel, as he often did, his caretaker would watch over the house. The caretaker was a man of few words.
One day the caretaker picked up the gentleman at the train station after he had been away on business. They watched as the magnificent steam locomotive pulled its load of cars from the station and around a curve. As the sound of the whistle faded in the distance they began the trip to the country.
The gentleman asked his caretaker if anything had happened while he was away. The caretaker replied, "No, nothing much happened. 'Cept your dog died."
The gentleman asked, "Oh? My dog died? How did he die?" The caretaker replied, "Well, I reckon it was from eating the burned horse meat."
The gentleman asked, "Burned horse meat? Where did he find burned horse meat?" The caretaker replied, "In the barn. When the sparks landed on the roof the barn caught fire and burned. The horses were trapped inside. Your dog got into the barn, ate the burned horse meat, and died."
The gentleman asked, "Where did the sparks come from?" The caretaker replied, "Well they came from the house.
"The house?," the gentleman asked. "What happened to the house!" The caretaker replied, "Well, when the candle got knocked over the curtain caught fire and sparks from the house landed on the barn roof. When the barn burned the horses were inside. The dog ate the burned horse meat and died."
The gentleman asked frantically, "Candle! Candle! What candle!". The caretaker replied, "It was around the casket."
"CASKET! WHAT CASKET!", the gentleman yelled. "The caretaker replied, "The casket your wife was in. When we found her in bed with that other gentleman she was very frightened and her heart gave out. At the funeral one of the candles fell over and the curtain caught fire. The sparks from the house landed on the barn roof and the barn burned with the horses inside. The dog got into the barn and ate the burned horse meat and died."
"So," the gentleman exclaimed, "I thought you said nothing happened while I was away!" The caretaker replied, "Naw, nothing much happened. 'Cept your dog died."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 306
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 7:02:44 AM
A man wins a ticket to the super bowl from a local radio station. When he arrives at his seat, he is closer to the Goodyear blimp than he is to the field. After the first quarter of the game, the man notices a seat right on the fifty yard line, eight rows up is unoccupied. The man makes his way past security to the seat. He askes the gentleman in the next seat if this is anyones seat. The gentleman replies, that was my wifes seat, but she has passed away and this will be the first super bowl that she has missed. The man, dumbfounded, askes, couldn't you get a relative or a close friend to come to the game with you? The gentleman then replied, I tried, but they are all at the funeral.
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 310
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 6:55:20 PM
The price of vanity !!
>>
>>
>>
>>> A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
>> hospital.
>>>
>>> While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
>>>
>>> Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
>>>
>>> God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
>> live".
>>>
>>> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
>> facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
>> change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she
>> figured
>> she might as well make the most of it.
>>
>> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
>> crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
>>>
>>> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
>> another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the
>> ambulance?" .
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 311
My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/18/2006 6:19:16 AM
SOME QUICK ONE LINERS







Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 316
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:32:15 AM
Three maried couples arrive at the "pearly gates" waiting for admittance. St. Peter comes out and says that in order to gain admittance you must prove that you are worthy. St. Peter asks the first man, a plumber, why do you think you are worthy?
The man replies, Sir, I have been a great father. St. Peter looks at the man and says, yes, but you have also been a life long drunk. In fact, you even married a woman named Sherry.
NO ADMITTANCE!
St. Peter then goes to the second man, a carpenter, and asks, why do you think you are worthy?
The man replies, Sir, I have been a great provider for my wife and kids. St. Peter looks the man in the eyes and says, yes, but you have a personality like poison, you even married a woman named Ivy.
NO ADMITTANCE!
At this time, the third man, a lawyer, looks to his wife and says, let's get the hell out of here, Penny.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 317
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:54:54 AM
The football team at Arkansas Tech is taking an exam that will determine their academic eligibility for the upcoming season. Bubba is having difficulty with the last question. The question reads: Old MacDonald had a ___________. Bubba taps Tiny on the shoulder and says, do you have the answer to the last question? Tiny replies, boy Bubba, you are so stupid. Everybody knows that Old MacDonald had a farm. Bubba says, yes that's what I thought, but I wasn't sure. Another minute goes by and Bubba taps Tiny on the shoulder again and says, how do you spell farm? Tiny says, Bubba, you really are stupid. Everybody knows that farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O !!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 325
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/22/2006 10:10:41 AM
Southern Gentlemen

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas bar, he beckoned
the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly,
luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of a$$?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're
nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just
slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just
did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from
in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all
for a piece uh a$$ for mah drink."
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