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Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2086
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My Joke Thread.Page 40 of 97    (26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66)
Special Part

A girl from Newfoundland who was a virgin on her wedding night, was stunned to see the special part her husband had.

She asked, 'What's dat ting?'

'My lov' he said, 'dats a special part God gave to me to please you and I'm the only man on earth dat has one.'

After a passionate night of love making the bride said 'how lucky I am to have the only man alive with one of those!'

The next day, the husband comes home to see his new bride very upset. 'What's wrong me lov?'

'You told me you were the only man wit one of those tings and today I saw Freddie doing his pee behind the shed and he had one dat looked just like yours!!'

Not wanting to be caught he said 'Well honey, the truth is I had two of those parts and because Freddie is my best friend in the world, I gave him one, but it's only me and Freddie who has one'

That seemed to ease her mind somewhat. After another night of passionate love making the husband goes off to work.

Later that evening he comes home to find his new love very upset again!

'What's the matter today me luv?'

'Well' she says 'I can't get over how stunned you are!'

'Whatever do you mean my sweet?'

'I can't believe you were lucky enough to have TWO of those special parts, and you turns around and gives Freddie da best one!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2088
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:04:00 PM
Great T-shirt Slogans

We'll be best friends until we are old and senile.
Then, we'll be NEW friends.

Silence is golden
Duct tape is silver

I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.

I love poetry, long walks on the beach,
and poking dead things with a stick.

What if the
really is what it's all about?

It's all fun and games
'til someone loses a wiener.

Sometimes I pee when I laugh.

I'd tell you to go to hell,
but I work there
and I don't see you every day.

When your gecko is broken
you have reptile dysfunction.

I didn't say it was YOUR FAULT!
I said I was going to BLAME YOU!

I don't mind going to work but the 8 hour wait to go home is a b:tch!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2089
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:12:27 PM
Crisco...too funny!!!!

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2090
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:17:36 PM
Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all of your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, while reading the First Truth, will try it.

3. And they will discover that the First Truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're one of those idiots.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. And there will still be a stupid smile on your face while you're doing it.

I do not apologize about this and I do not feel sorry about posting it. I'm an idiot too and I just needed company.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2092
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 6:32:59 PM

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2094
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:48:31 PM

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit...... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

Always overcome youth and arrogance!

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2095
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:57:58 PM
Words for Women to Live By

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b!tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? -c0cktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just
your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you
walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then
mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or
married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a
daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but
you know they are always there' '

Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover,
or just suffering from life, that might need a reason to smile!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2096
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 9:08:39 AM

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2097
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 4:21:31 PM

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2098
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 4:33:07 PM

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a$$holes.'

'What? He had two a$$holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, whenever seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a$$holes.'

Now, aren't you glad I posted this one!
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 2099
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 9:57:58 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen who took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2100
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:54:09 AM

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I
will fiddle with a coat hanger long after
hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and a
sandwich, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I
lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin'
or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing
has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking
for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at
the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you 're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes
ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not
make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and
potatoes that did that. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year
2009, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer,
wondering what to do.

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2102
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 11:27:01 AM
Upstaged By A Street

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2103
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:01:38 PM
All about Retiring

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.

When I retired, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00..

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep.
Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call thembecause they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap **stard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2104
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:08:55 PM

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2105
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:27:05 PM
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
(This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. )

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No crap, really? Ya think? )
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far! )
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
( What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! )
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
( See if that works any better than a fair trial! )
War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(Ya think?! )
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(They may be on to something!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? )
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans! )
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
( Chainsaw Massacre all over again! )
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
( Boy, are they tall!)
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did I read that right? )

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2106
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:46:37 PM
Grandpa's Drink

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' he is asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2107
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:56:59 PM
No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you sometimes!
Joined: 10/18/2008
Msg: 2108
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:08:00 AM
here's my own lil joke.....
so we're at the farm and we're cleaning out a barn when we over hear the chicken clucking to the pig....
Chicken:sit it's clucking hott out here today!
pig:really? your looking finger llicking good.....
chicken:was that a food joke ya fat pink tenderloin,cluck, cluck
so they carry on like this for awhile finally after like two hours the pig looks up stupidly..
then the chicken looks up......
they look at eachother and the chicken yaps out?
chicken?hey pig ol buddy did u notice that eagle over their starring at us.....?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2109
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:56:37 PM
Browsing Old Cemeteries

I guarantee you will laugh at these! But I like the last one the best of all.

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour:

And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down. It was.


In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no

place to go.


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The

Good Die Young.


In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And

the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace

wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him

for not rising.


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went

out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,

Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,

Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.


In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent.

Until I know which way you went.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2110
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 2:53:24 PM
Bubbles and Barbie

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2111
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 3:00:36 PM
Gorilla and the Zookeeper

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2112
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 4:50:46 PM
God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray...
'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays...
'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God,Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2113
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:04:55 PM
How to Stop Church Gossip...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence…

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing….

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...walked home . ...and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank !)
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2114
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:08:27 PM

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom
of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....
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