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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2115
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My Joke Thread.Page 41 of 97    (27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67)
Italian Honeymoon

For those less geographically inclined....there's a place called .... NORFOLK, VIRGINA, USA.
-------------------------------

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia , Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Paterson, New Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga h is finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,

'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.
 Vampiel
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 2116
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:11:37 PM
Those are some pretty good ones keep em coming!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2117
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:02:30 PM
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there..


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

yeah!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2118
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:05:33 PM
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
 Dudemike
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 2119
New Hat
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:58:16 PM
Agnes' 86 year old boyfriend Burt, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them.

Walking proudly he steps into Agnes' room and asks "Notice anything different, Agnes?" Agnes looks him over, "Nope.."

Burt says excitedly, "Come on, Agnes, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Agnes looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Agnes looks up and says, "Burt, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Burt yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, AGNES? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Agnes replies, "You should have bought a hat, Burt... should have bought a hat."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2120
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:34:03 PM
The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2121
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:46:59 PM
Inner Peace



If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

.

.

.

.

.

..

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2122
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:24:11 PM
THE KNOB

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob. .’

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'those aren't bags, those are your breasts.’

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2123
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:29:14 PM
"THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said: "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2124
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/22/2009 5:55:14 PM
Zut Alors!!

Very clever!



Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2125
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My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:33:04 PM
Public toilets

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR !) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2126
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:43:34 PM
PMS and GPS

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



A crazy b!tch who will find you!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2127
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/29/2009 1:58:34 PM
SLOW GOLF

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to con tact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they f-cking play at night?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2128
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:09:11 PM
AT THE PUB

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 BarbWire1
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 2129
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:54:34 PM
THE VIBRATOR.......



AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE

BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER

DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.



SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'



THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,

AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE,

GET OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!'



THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. CURIOUS, HE ENTERS THE ROOM,

AND IS SHOCKED HIS DAUGHTER IS MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR!



THE DAUGHTER SAYS: 'DAD GET OUT!! I'M THIRTY-FIVE, LIVING AT HOME,

UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO

A HUSBAND. GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!'



A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED

THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE

COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.



SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR

WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.



THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??'



THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW"
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 2134
The American Medical Association weighs in....
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:00:22 AM
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health
care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their
hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was
a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole
new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists agreed the entire issue is a massive pain in the butt.

 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2135
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:20:17 PM
SUNBATHING

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2136
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History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:36:54 PM
Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, July 31, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or ****ing
About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance
Claim.
Driving Simulations...
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2137
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:49:55 PM
Getting Old In Florida

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.



A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago..'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'About Twelve Thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,' ' Morris replied.
To which the doctor replied, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2138
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:18:18 AM
Rubber Gloves

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)



Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid!

They have been there and done everything!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2139
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:49:18 PM
Signs in Restrooms

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE



Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC


If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC


Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity..
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO


No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC



At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ


It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ



Make love, not war.
- Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT



If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .



If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC



Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ



You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA



No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA



~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2140
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:02:04 PM
Burma Shave with the Statler Brothers


You may need to watch it twice; once to watch the Burma shave signs change and once to catch all the pictures plus listening to the music of the Statler Brothers.

I am onlyposting this to my 'older friends' because most folks under 50 would have no idea what I am talking about.. 'Too bad they missed it!'


http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2141
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:36:09 PM
Zovitski or Peltry Syndrome ?

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS............... But I was wrong, too!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2142
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:47:58 PM
Drafting Guys over 60 .....

Drafting Guys over 60----(This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman- New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!)

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some terrorist that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical so-and-so....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of 20 million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Gosh!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2143
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:55:55 PM
A Penguin's Life

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond.

They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....



..."freeze a jolly good fellow."
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