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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2213
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My Joke ThreadPage 42 of 97    (28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68)
The Fairy & The Immigrant

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Canada with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistani where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Canadians.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty Wall-Mart T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said , 'Tough luck. Now that you are Canadian, you're entitled to sweet fu-k all like the rest of us.'

And she disappeared.........
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2214
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Posted: 10/25/2009 5:39:39 AM
The $2.99 Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one. If you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.......

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!

Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!



"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2215
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Posted: 10/27/2009 11:23:44 AM
Newfie Hooker

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows

'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks So they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer

'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding
annoyed

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2216
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Posted: 11/3/2009 2:29:30 PM
New end to an old fairytale




The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

The little piggy said "F-ck off or I'll sneeze on you..."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2217
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Posted: 11/3/2009 2:34:09 PM
The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.



Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, "You are definitely the woman of my dreams. I love you..." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2218
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Posted: 11/6/2009 11:05:08 AM
Then & Now


Here's some sentiments about aging!

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that swayed.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.


That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too ****** old!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2219
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Posted: 11/10/2009 10:44:48 AM
California Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2220
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Posted: 11/10/2009 7:32:08 PM
Quote of the Century

I just know that every man will love this and only a few brave women will actually pass it on!

" If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time? "
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2221
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Posted: 11/10/2009 7:36:06 PM
Sex in the Shower


In a recent survey requested by president-elect Obama, African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!


In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2222
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Posted: 11/12/2009 12:50:57 PM
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2223
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Posted: 11/12/2009 1:01:06 PM
Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2225
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Posted: 11/15/2009 4:30:04 PM
I rest my case



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Essex..
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2226
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Posted: 11/15/2009 4:36:34 PM
Waking the Dead

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 11/15/2009 4:44:08 PM
Never Lose Your Grandson!

A heartwarming story.

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."
 vivienne3
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Posted: 11/15/2009 5:26:56 PM
HOW IS NORMA?


A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh!t."
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 2229
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Posted: 11/15/2009 7:12:19 PM
I LOVE the Norma joke! Sad but true!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 11/16/2009 9:28:59 AM
Spoken like someone who has been in that situation!
 vivienne3
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Posted: 11/16/2009 9:29:36 AM
This is a real "Oh Shit" moment!

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to
call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He
jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in
the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and
make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need
to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what
you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 11/19/2009 9:10:27 AM
7 dwarfs


The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 11/19/2009 3:04:19 PM
The Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven..'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 11/20/2009 1:45:26 PM
Parvinder and Habib...

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Vancouver....

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder, but only collects $2 - $3 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has lots of money to spend.

One day Habib says to Parvinder, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Parvinder says, "Look at your sign - what does it say?"

Habib's sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Parvinder says, "No wonder you only get $2- $3!"

Habib says... "So, what does your sign say?"

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2236
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Posted: 11/21/2009 1:34:15 PM
How Blonde Was She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde ...

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2237
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Posted: 11/22/2009 2:05:52 PM
Windex




I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not .. . but they say...



If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.





WHAT CAN I SAY? SOMEONE SENT IT TO ME AND I COULDN'T KEEP FROM SHARING!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2238
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Posted: 11/23/2009 4:21:04 PM
MY NEW TRUCK

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,"Ladies and gentlemen, the Premier of Ontario , Mr. Dalton McGinty."

Damn, I love this truck...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2239
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Posted: 11/23/2009 7:18:51 PM
WINTER POEM

It's winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!
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