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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2267
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My Joke Thread.Page 44 of 97    (30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70)
Milk Bath


A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )



The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2268
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/6/2010 6:47:23 AM
NO NURSING HOME FOR US!!!


No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc .. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin.


......ITS NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT,
ITS THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS.........................
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2269
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Posted: 1/6/2010 5:22:56 PM
TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it..

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a$$hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2270
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Posted: 1/11/2010 2:14:14 PM
Password


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy


When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long......
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2271
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Posted: 1/14/2010 3:53:36 PM
Stimulating the Ontario Economy

Just in Case You Get a Cheque....
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Ontario government.

I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
---------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is Ontario's Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala ..
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada.

Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2272
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Posted: 1/19/2010 4:03:17 PM
Newfoundland Midget

Leave it to the Newfie to bring a big smile to our face

The testicles of a poor Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.


The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more.

The doctor reached for his surgical scissors and snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2273
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Posted: 1/20/2010 1:16:02 PM
It's time to reflect on what a truly Canadian winter is all about


WINTER POEM
It's winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2275
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Posted: 1/21/2010 7:26:47 PM
That is really nasty!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2276
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Posted: 1/21/2010 7:27:56 PM
Holy Water and Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2277
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Posted: 1/21/2010 7:31:46 PM
Inner Peace: This is so true


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably .........
The Family Dog!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2278
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Posted: 1/23/2010 11:41:34 AM
Anagrams

Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2279
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Posted: 1/25/2010 11:53:01 AM
Interesting Statistic

Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2280
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Posted: 1/27/2010 1:36:12 PM
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 AmericanPieQT
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 2282
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Posted: 1/30/2010 6:01:08 PM
Kermit Wants a Loan

Kermit Jagger, a frog, walks into a Bank of America branch and tells the teller he wants a $50,000 loan. She tells him he will have to see Ms. Patricia Whack to get approval for such a loan.

He met Ms. Whack to ask for the $50,000 loan. Ms Whack asked him what he has for collateral. He gives her a 2 inch ceramic statue. She tells him that she will have to talk to the Vice President to approve such a loan.

She walks into the Vice President's office and says, "There is some crazy frog out there who wants a $50,000 loan, and look what he's giving for collateral." "What the heck is this!" she exclaimed as she holds up the small trinket.

The Vice President says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2283
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Posted: 2/1/2010 4:15:41 PM
God Bless The Newfie

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wit all dem lawsuits Going on I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat Action? I hears that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they Got cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?" The dear ole Newfie God bless his soul

Answers......




"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all them ugly women I woke up wit...
 Con Ten Ted
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 2284
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:32:37 AM
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck....
 Con Ten Ted
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 2285
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:35:28 AM
There's a koala sitting in a tree smoking a reefer when along comes a skink. "What are you doin?" asks the skink.
"I'm just blowing a reefer" mumbles the koala "do you want some?"
"Hell yeah" replies the skink and they sit in the tree for a while, passing the reefer back and forth and laughing at stuff that wasn't particularly funny until the skink, suffering from the associated dehydration says "Hey I need a drink"
"Head down to the creek" says the koala and so the skink climes down the tree and heads for the creek. He reaches the creek and climbes out on a blade of grass and begins to lap at the water but then, in his weakened mental state, he falls in. Then along comes a crocodile. "Hey skink" says the croc "what's goin on?" And so the skink replies "I was just blowing a reefer with the koala and I came down to the creek for a drink and fell in!"
"WOW" says the croc "koala's got pot? where is he?"
"up the bank in his tree" replies the skink and so the croc makes his way up the bank to the base of the tree where the koala is merrily puffing away. The croc knocks on the bottom of the tree and yells out to the koala "Hey koala, what's goin on?" The koala looks down and in total surprise yells back "faaaaark duuude how much water did you drink !?!?!"
 Con Ten Ted
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 2286
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:38:10 AM
There are 3 pieces of string walk into a bar, they say to the bar tender 3 beer's please,

The bar tender says arnt you pieces of string?

Yep we are they say we are,

Well we dont serve pieces of string now get out!

They are all standing outside and the 1st piece of string says,
let me try on my own...

he goes in sits at the bar and says a beer please,

bartender, arnt you a piece of string?

Yes I am!

Get out says the bar tender I dont serve pieces of string.

He goes out and says NO LUCK,

The second piece of string says now let me have a go,

he goes in sits at the bar and askes for a beer,

the bar tender again says arnt you a friggin piece of string??

Ummm yes I am,

Then get out I DONT serve pieces of string sheeshhh,

He goes out and say Ive had no luck either,

The third piece of string says OK hmmm now let me try

So he ties himself in a knot and fluffs up his hair and
goes into the bar jumps up on the stool and askes for a beer.

Bar tender......grrrr arnt you a piece of string??

Afraid NOT! (A frayed Knot)
 Con Ten Ted
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 2287
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:49:16 AM
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
 Con Ten Ted
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 2288
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:50:12 AM
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
 Con Ten Ted
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 2289
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:51:26 AM
^^^^^^^ Pinched these from another site ... hope they're not repeats ....
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2290
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Posted: 2/5/2010 4:59:04 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2291
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Posted: 2/9/2010 1:01:34 PM
Old Farmer's Advice


Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2292
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Posted: 2/11/2010 12:39:03 PM
The BBQ Season

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2294
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Posted: 2/12/2010 4:45:27 PM
Spoken like a true man!
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