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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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My Joke Thread.Page 45 of 97    (31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71)
Spoken like a true man!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2295
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Posted: 2/17/2010 9:58:51 AM
THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Dennis, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room.."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2296
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Posted: 2/18/2010 4:02:18 PM
Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty ... '

..............Mom Fainted
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2297
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Posted: 2/22/2010 5:33:28 AM
Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2299
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Posted: 3/3/2010 9:56:30 AM
Terrorism ?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide .

Let's see now...

No Jesus

No Christmas

No television

No cheerleaders

No Nude Women

No car races

No football

No baseball

No golf

No tailgate parties

No pork BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No nachos

No Beer nuts

No Beer !!!!!!!!

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

More than one wife.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else.

She smells just like your donkey.

But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean hello, is there really a mystery here?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 3/3/2010 2:40:47 PM
Thought For The Day:

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings....

We simply continue to fly ......... on a broomstick...

We are flexible
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2301
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Posted: 3/9/2010 4:22:13 PM
Some Irish Humour

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

----------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

--------------

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

---------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

------------------


An Irish priest is driving down to??New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! ? What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.'

----------------

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2302
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Posted: 3/11/2010 5:41:07 PM
A Little Girl's New Bike

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa;
The dyck goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2305
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Posted: 3/12/2010 7:39:38 PM
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'



(This one is worth passing on.)
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2306
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Posted: 3/19/2010 7:03:17 AM
ONE OF THE BEST EXPLANATIONS
OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION

Maybe this should be in a political section but I thought the explanation was humourous.

--From a teacher in the Nashville area.

"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream.'

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...

The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.
I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees.. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it... She didn't know.

The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream.

Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other 48 percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."

This is the ice cream Obama promised us!

Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone --
that they have not first taken away from someone else.

Did you vote for the ice cream?
 vivienne3
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Posted: 3/19/2010 7:53:31 PM
Intercourse

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
you a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"
 vivienne3
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Posted: 3/21/2010 3:44:12 PM
Welfare


This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first cheque Friday.

Damn this is a great country.
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2309
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Posted: 3/23/2010 4:55:43 PM
Ain't this the truth . . .

Doing a roll call on the first day back at a Toronto school,
the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
" Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
" Here."
Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
" Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
My name is Michael Meyer."
 vivienne3
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Posted: 3/24/2010 6:12:36 PM
CANADA

This is so true it's laughable.

Canada is the MOST taxed Country in the world...


HERE IS PROOF


Canadian Taxes - This is NOT Ripley's Believe It or Not...


1. Accounts Receivable Tax
2. Building Permit Tax
3. Capital Gains Tax
4. CDL license Tax
5. Cigarette Tax
6. Corporate Income Tax
7. Court Fines (indirect taxes)
8. Dog License Tax
9. Federal Income Tax
10. Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
11. Fishing License Tax
12. Food License Tax
13. Fuel permit tax
14. Gasoline Tax
15. Hunting License Tax
16. Inheritance Tax
17. Revenue Canada Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
18. Revenue Canada Penalties (tax on top of tax)
19. Liquor Tax
20. Local Income Tax
21. Luxury Taxes
22. Marriage License Tax
23. Medicare Tax
24. Property Tax
25. Real Estate Tax
26. Septic Permit Tax
27. Service Charge Taxes
28. Social Security Tax
29. Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
30. Sales Taxes (GST & PST)
31. Recreational Vehicle Tax
32. Road Toll Booth Taxes
33. School Tax
34. Provincial Income Tax
35. Unemployment Tax
36. Telephone Federal Excise Tax
37. Telephone Federal Universal Service Tax
38. Telephone Federal Surcharge Tax
39. Telephone Local Surcharge Tax
40. Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
41. Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
42. Telephone and Local Tax
43. Telephone Usage Charge Tax
44. Toll Bridge Taxes
45. Toll Tunnel Taxes
46. Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
47. Trailer Registration Tax
48. Utility Taxes
49. Vehicle License Registration Tax
50. Vehicle Tax
51. Watercraft Registration Tax
52. Well Permit Tax
53. Workers Compensation Tax
54. GST on EVERYTHING...including your funeral....



COMMENTS:


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was prosperous, had absolutely no national debt, had one of the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids!


What the hell happened?



This is our Canadian Government taking our money, who is living out of your pocket?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 3/27/2010 10:01:14 AM
Bertie, the bee

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

At that very moment, a bee flew in through his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man answered.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees (etc!) flew to his car and into his gas tank. A few minutes later, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
'Wow!' the man exclaimed. 'What did you put in my gas tank'?


The bee answered,




Wait for it..



Wait for it.




Wait for it..




You're just gonna love this..






Wait for it..







BP



I see you smiling!
 vivienne3
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Posted: 3/28/2010 8:25:46 AM
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed...

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."
 vivienne3
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Posted: 3/28/2010 5:21:28 PM
QUIZZ

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck
my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.



I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"



Apparently its Africa .
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/4/2010 9:28:20 PM
Newfoundlanders have the Lowest Stress rate because they do not
take medical terminology serious, you are going to die anyway, so
live life and drink 'til you cannot lift your own mug!

Newfie Medical Dictionary

Artery.......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria........................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.............................. A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................ To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node............................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.............. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor.......................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/4/2010 9:31:45 PM
A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid **stard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ***hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/5/2010 9:02:52 PM
Speeding in Ontario

1) Good: A Caledon OPP policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A
twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice
down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And
we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Kingston , ON . An $80 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $80. The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


3) Absolute Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
Ontario Provincial Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the OPP
Ball.' He replied ' OPP don't have balls.' There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2317
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Posted: 5/7/2010 8:52:32 AM
Serious trouble for Canada



True, Very True





We are in trouble...





The population of this country is 30 million.





16 million are retired.





That leaves 14 million to do the work.






There are 8.5 million in school.





Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.





Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.





Leaving 1.5 million to do the work.




200,000 are in the armed forces





Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.





Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments. And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.





At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.





Leaving 100,200 to do the work.





Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.





You and me.





And there you are,





Sitting on your a$$,





At your computer, reading jokes.





Nice. Real nice.
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/7/2010 8:57:49 AM
Little girl on a plane


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'


'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/10/2010 4:55:44 PM
SVU Birthday Gift


Two old guys were talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup........

Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/10/2010 5:00:49 PM
Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'
 vivienne3
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Posted: 5/11/2010 7:56:42 PM
Depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
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