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 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 326
My Joke Thread.Page 5 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 330
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:19:02 AM
SENIOR MOMENTS





Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."







A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."






Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"







A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 331
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:37:30 AM
One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.

"What is 12x11?"

"120?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"

"25?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"

The blonde ventured "4?"

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 332
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:42:39 AM
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
 ocrikeymikey
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 336
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:01:00 AM
Two cows were standing in a field and one said to the other, "So what do you think about this Mad Cow Disease?". "What do I care",the other replies," Im a helicopter"........sorry,that was awful!
 ocrikeymikey
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 337
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:18:38 AM
Two farmers stood on the verandah of the outback pub with beers in their hands.Nearby a kelpie sheepdog was sitting in the shade licking its balls. "You know Jake," said one of the farmers watching the dog, "Id like to be able to do that!". "Well why dont ya?", his mate replied,"its your dog!".
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 338
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:22:47 AM
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN....


- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw YOU peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

- You could sell shade.

- Your blood type is Ragu.

- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 339
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:57:30 AM
TEDDY BEARS AND MEN

A gorgeous woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. The couple goes back to his place. He shows her around his apartment

She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the shelf along the wall


The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that is so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly...she gazes into his eyes, and they begin to kiss...which leads to them romantically removing each other's clothes. After a very intense night together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over lovingly and asks, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns and says; "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 340
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 7:33:48 AM
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 342
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2006 6:30:23 AM
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
 ocrikeymikey
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 344
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2006 9:42:51 AM
A woman rushed into a fruit store and asked for 2 kilos of tomatoes.The shopkeeper told the woman that he didnt have any but he was expecting some more in 2 days.The woman insisted that he must have some as every other time shed been in the store he's always had tomatoes.So she asked again for 2 kilos of tomatoes.The shopkeeper looked at her and said,"How do you say carrots without the C?" "Arrots," the woman replied. "How about potatoes without the P?",asked the shopkeeper. "Otatoes," replied the woman. "Then how would you say tomatoes without the F?" asked the shopkeeper. "Theres no F in tomatoes," replied the woman. "Well," replied the shopkeeper, "thats what Ive been trying to tell ya!"
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 349
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:51:04 PM
Not really a joke, but ( imho) one of the funniest routines Peter Cook and Dudley Moore ever did. British humour at it's best. The " One legged Tarzan" sketch.

One Leg Too Few
Peter Cook

The scene is a theatrical producer's office

Peter:
Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.

Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg

Peter:
Mr. Spigott, I believe?

Dudley:
Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)

Peter:
Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?

Dudley:
Right.

Peter:
Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.

Dudley:
You noticed that?

Peter:
I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.

Dudley:
Correct.

Peter:
And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.

Dudley:
Right.

Peter:
A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Dudley:
Very true.

Peter:
Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley:
Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter:
Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley:
The leg division?

Peter:
Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.

Dudley:
You mean it's inadequate?

Peter:
Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.

Dudley:
I see

Peter:
However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.

Dudley:
So there's still a chance?

Peter:
There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.

Dudley:
Well... thank you very much.

Peter:
So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.

He shows Dudley out

Peter:
I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 350
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:30:18 PM
World's shortest (& best) fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you
marry me?" The guy said, "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went
shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had
a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.

The end.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 351
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:33:12 PM
40 things you would like to say outloud



1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ....?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 352
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:34:48 PM
I lie awake



I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking
about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you lay on my naked body...You sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while
you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore
witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting foryou...












YOU F-CKING MOSQUITO!!!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF!!!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 353
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:36:39 PM
BEST SHORT JOKE OF THE YEAR






A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.


Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 354
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 9:09:48 AM
Who am I?



I shall seek and find you...

I shall make your knees weak and your head spin...

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy...beg for me to to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved

When I am finished with you.

And you will be weak for days.

Who am I...









THE FLU
 Frrosty
Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 358
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 4:15:30 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you
now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 364
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 6:55:18 AM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Sir,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 365
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:05:00 AM
My Business

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 366
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:08:53 AM
Pet Names
A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he shinned his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot said, "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."

The burglar asked, "Warn me, huh? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 367
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:17:31 AM
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 370
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 4:29:33 PM

Jack Bauer Facts....


Maybe it's just me, but who is Jack Bauer?
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 371
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 8:06:04 AM
The Blind Man in the Blondes' Bar


A blind man enters a ladies-only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells
to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to the blind man says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that
you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blond woman.
2) The bouncer is a blond woman.
3) I'm a blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a weight lifter, and
5) The lady to your right is a blonde and professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister: Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 372
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 8:07:18 AM
The Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell
asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his
lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He
put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife
demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
my secretary. We had sex all afternoon and then we fell asleep with
exhaustion."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying **stard! You've been
playing golf."
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