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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2305
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My Joke Thread.Page 58 of 97    (57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97)
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'



(This one is worth passing on.)
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2306
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Posted: 3/19/2010 7:03:17 AM
ONE OF THE BEST EXPLANATIONS
OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION

Maybe this should be in a political section but I thought the explanation was humourous.

--From a teacher in the Nashville area.

"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream.'

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...

The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.
I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees.. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it... She didn't know.

The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream.

Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other 48 percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."

This is the ice cream Obama promised us!

Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone --
that they have not first taken away from someone else.

Did you vote for the ice cream?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2307
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Posted: 3/19/2010 7:53:31 PM
Intercourse

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
you a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2308
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Posted: 3/21/2010 3:44:12 PM
Welfare


This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first cheque Friday.

Damn this is a great country.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2309
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Posted: 3/23/2010 4:55:43 PM
Ain't this the truth . . .

Doing a roll call on the first day back at a Toronto school,
the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
" Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
" Here."
Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
" Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
My name is Michael Meyer."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2310
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Posted: 3/24/2010 6:12:36 PM
CANADA

This is so true it's laughable.

Canada is the MOST taxed Country in the world...


HERE IS PROOF


Canadian Taxes - This is NOT Ripley's Believe It or Not...


1. Accounts Receivable Tax
2. Building Permit Tax
3. Capital Gains Tax
4. CDL license Tax
5. Cigarette Tax
6. Corporate Income Tax
7. Court Fines (indirect taxes)
8. Dog License Tax
9. Federal Income Tax
10. Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
11. Fishing License Tax
12. Food License Tax
13. Fuel permit tax
14. Gasoline Tax
15. Hunting License Tax
16. Inheritance Tax
17. Revenue Canada Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
18. Revenue Canada Penalties (tax on top of tax)
19. Liquor Tax
20. Local Income Tax
21. Luxury Taxes
22. Marriage License Tax
23. Medicare Tax
24. Property Tax
25. Real Estate Tax
26. Septic Permit Tax
27. Service Charge Taxes
28. Social Security Tax
29. Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
30. Sales Taxes (GST & PST)
31. Recreational Vehicle Tax
32. Road Toll Booth Taxes
33. School Tax
34. Provincial Income Tax
35. Unemployment Tax
36. Telephone Federal Excise Tax
37. Telephone Federal Universal Service Tax
38. Telephone Federal Surcharge Tax
39. Telephone Local Surcharge Tax
40. Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
41. Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
42. Telephone and Local Tax
43. Telephone Usage Charge Tax
44. Toll Bridge Taxes
45. Toll Tunnel Taxes
46. Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
47. Trailer Registration Tax
48. Utility Taxes
49. Vehicle License Registration Tax
50. Vehicle Tax
51. Watercraft Registration Tax
52. Well Permit Tax
53. Workers Compensation Tax
54. GST on EVERYTHING...including your funeral....



COMMENTS:


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was prosperous, had absolutely no national debt, had one of the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids!


What the hell happened?



This is our Canadian Government taking our money, who is living out of your pocket?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2311
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Posted: 3/27/2010 10:01:14 AM
Bertie, the bee

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

At that very moment, a bee flew in through his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man answered.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees (etc!) flew to his car and into his gas tank. A few minutes later, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
'Wow!' the man exclaimed. 'What did you put in my gas tank'?


The bee answered,




Wait for it..



Wait for it.




Wait for it..




You're just gonna love this..






Wait for it..







BP



I see you smiling!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2312
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Posted: 3/28/2010 8:25:46 AM
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed...

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."
 vivienne3
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Msg: 2313
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Posted: 3/28/2010 5:21:28 PM
QUIZZ

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck
my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.



I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"



Apparently its Africa .
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2314
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Posted: 5/4/2010 9:28:20 PM
Newfoundlanders have the Lowest Stress rate because they do not
take medical terminology serious, you are going to die anyway, so
live life and drink 'til you cannot lift your own mug!

Newfie Medical Dictionary

Artery.......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria........................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.............................. A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................ To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node............................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.............. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor.......................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2315
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Posted: 5/4/2010 9:31:45 PM
A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid **stard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ***hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2316
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Posted: 5/5/2010 9:02:52 PM
Speeding in Ontario

1) Good: A Caledon OPP policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A
twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice
down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And
we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Kingston , ON . An $80 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $80. The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


3) Absolute Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
Ontario Provincial Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the OPP
Ball.' He replied ' OPP don't have balls.' There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2317
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Posted: 5/7/2010 8:52:32 AM
Serious trouble for Canada



True, Very True





We are in trouble...





The population of this country is 30 million.





16 million are retired.





That leaves 14 million to do the work.






There are 8.5 million in school.





Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.





Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.





Leaving 1.5 million to do the work.




200,000 are in the armed forces





Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.





Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments. And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.





At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.





Leaving 100,200 to do the work.





Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.





You and me.





And there you are,





Sitting on your a$$,





At your computer, reading jokes.





Nice. Real nice.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2318
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Posted: 5/7/2010 8:57:49 AM
Little girl on a plane


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'


'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
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Posted: 5/10/2010 4:55:44 PM
SVU Birthday Gift


Two old guys were talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup........

Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2320
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Posted: 5/10/2010 5:00:49 PM
Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2321
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Posted: 5/11/2010 7:56:42 PM
Depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2322
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Posted: 5/13/2010 1:30:04 PM
Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2323
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Posted: 5/13/2010 4:51:23 PM
Newfy Trilogy!!


Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2324
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Posted: 5/17/2010 4:01:46 PM
24 Inches Rule

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had peni$es 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his peni$ and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the peni$ to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his peni$.

A few days later. the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches"

"No, it's turned black..."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2325
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Posted: 5/17/2010 4:08:22 PM
Sweet Tea


A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
Home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a
sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2326
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Posted: 5/27/2010 4:37:10 PM
Words of Wisdom

1. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

4. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

5.Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

6. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

7. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

8. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

9. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

10. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

11. I am a nutritional overachiever.

12. I am having an out of money experience.

13. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

14. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

15. A day without sunshine is like night.

16. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

17. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

18. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

19. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

20. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

21. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

22. And this one is the real truth, so pay attention: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2327
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Posted: 5/29/2010 3:00:17 PM
The Obama one isn't funny, mainly because it has no factual basis. The Roosevelt quote is wrong, the Moses quote is non-existent, and since Obama COULD NOT have done any of the things attributed to him (they are all under the control of Congress), the only thing left in the entire "joke," is the one-liner about an out-sourced suicide hotline. By itself, THAT would have been funny, but smooshed in with vapid anti-Democrat pseudo-political garbage, it comes across as sour grapes.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2328
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Posted: 6/16/2010 7:54:41 PM
I Got A Timex




My neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch !"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2329
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Posted: 6/22/2010 2:31:30 PM
Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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