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Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 374
My Joke Thread.Page 6 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. (have said it)

You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? (have said it..BAD idea)

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. (always say it)

Whoa, time out. Football is on. (have said it...good luck enjoying the game after THIS!)

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of **** flakes this morning! (said it)

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? (said it...she did it..HA!)

Who are you kidding?We both know that thing ain't loaded. (no f'in way I'm sayin THIS one)
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 376
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 9:21:25 PM
I don't know who Jack Bauer is, that list made me laugh 'til it hurt. (Who the hell is he though?!)

Thank you for not making me feel alone on this one, msannthorpe. Chuck Norris is an icon. Jack Bauer may be more powerful than Superman, but he should hire a new PR firm!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 377
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 9:30:47 PM
Jack Bauer may be more powerful than Superman, but he should hire a new PR firm!

Ok, it's Kiefer Sutherland, a real crazy Canuck, from the TV show "24" who plays the character Jack Bauer. Maybe I should watch TV more often! It's pretty similar to John Wayne who would have never made it as a cowboy hero with his real name of Marion Weatherby, or something along those lines. Notwithsatnding, Chuck, capable of roundhouse kicks from birth is a real life bad a$$, while Kiefer Sutherland only plays the role of a real bad a$$.
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 380
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 6:39:22 AM
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny then asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 381
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 6:40:14 AM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 382
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 6:41:49 AM
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 383
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 7:14:27 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a cut on his arm,a broken nose and bruises everywhere.He sat down and ordered a whisky.The guy sitting next to him finally decided to ask how he got all these injuries.The guy looked at him and replied,"Well,I was walking into a store and I stepped on some dogshIt and slipped over and cut my arm." The other man said," Yeah,but how did you get so bruised and break your nose?" "Well,there was this biker who arrived just after me and walked in and slipped on the same shIt that I did," he replied. "When I told him that I did that five minutes ago,he beat the crap outta me!"
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 393
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/2/2006 4:25:42 AM
Old Mario invites his nephew Luigi up to his estate one weekend.He takes him to a high vantage point and says to him," Luigi,look out to the north,you see the city of Rome? With my own bare hands,I builda that city.But does anyone remember me as Mario the Great Builder? NO!"...." Luigi,look to the south,you see the vineyards and wineries? I grew them wines and produced the local vino.But does anyone remember me as Mario the Great Wine Maker? NO!" ...."Luigi,look to the west,you see the fishing villages and fishing boats? I builda them.But does anyone remember me as Mario the Great Fisherman? NO!"...."But f#ck one goat...."
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 394
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/2/2006 6:37:30 AM

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.
Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed
between the kingdom of Heaven and the
Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter
greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting
for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 396
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/2/2006 10:38:41 PM
>A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night
and he seesSteven
>As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over
to him, and asks for
>his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap
and says, "You Chinese
>people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
>The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the
Chinese who bombed your
>Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese,
Japanese, Taiwanese, you're
>all the same," replied Spielberg.
>In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and
says, "You sank the
>Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
>Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that
sank the ship, not
>The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg,
you're all the same."
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 406
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/7/2006 6:14:03 AM
Sounds of the Wild

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 407
view profile
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/8/2006 2:45:37 AM
Flight 407 was just about to crash into the Atlantic Ocean and all the passengers were screaming for their lives.One young lady stood up in the middle of the aisle,stripped off her clothes and yelled,"Quick,someone make a woman outta me!" A man sitting behind her stood up,whipped off his shirt,threw it at her and said,"Here,iron this!"
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 410
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/8/2006 6:55:49 PM
A housewife takes home a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again and the mom's
lover and son are again in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

Son: "I can't. I sold them."

Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"

Son: "$1,000."

Dad: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends !
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest,
and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again.!!!"
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 414
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/9/2006 7:26:26 PM
Ok from corny ...we go to gross......a lady forwarded me this by sms..

A man goes to the hospital bleeding after being raped by an elephant....

the doctor who examines him says - strange , an elephants penis is probably 3" wide...but
your @sshole is strecthed 10" wide....

the man replied - the b@stard fingered me first.
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 416
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/10/2006 12:20:03 AM
Quote :
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

damned if she does damned if she doesnt.................LOL
I have a lot of blonde friends on here so if any of you read this post...dont hate me K ?

A Blondes Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 417
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/10/2006 6:13:06 AM
Old Man on a Bench

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 418
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/10/2006 6:16:33 AM
Breaking into the House

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 420
what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/10/2006 5:16:55 PM
A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots on liquor & starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says,"You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."The bartender says,"What do you have?"

The guy says,"75 cents."
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 426
view profile
what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 4:00:30 AM
A young boy sends a letter to Santa telling him a sob story and how he would like $2000 to buy his mother a present.The guy at the post office felt really sorry for the boy and decided to have a collection.He ended up raising $500 for the boy and sent it to him in the mail.The boy opened the letter and was disappointed to see only $500.He wrote a letter back to Santa saying,"Thanks heaps for the money Santa but there was only $500.But then again,we all know what a thieving bunch of priCks work at the post office."
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 427
what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:30:53 AM
Worm Remedy

Joe's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his ninth grade class a lesson on the evils of liquor so he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Observe" he told his class as he began to put one of the worms in the glass of water. This worm swam about freely and looked as happy as can be.

He then put the second worm in the glass of whiskey and it to swam about for a moment but then started to shake and fell to the bottom dead.

"Now" he asked "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?"

"That's easy," replied Joe. "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 428
what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:42:56 AM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 429
what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:50:11 AM
Arriving Home Drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 430
what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:35:49 AM
Two old guys at Walmart:
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 35 yrs old, tall, with red hair,blue
eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Who gives a shit--- let's just look for yours.
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 434
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2006 1:27:58 AM
The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
> >
> > 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
> I
> > may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact,
> just
> > f-k off and leave me alone.
> >
> > 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
> flat
> > tyre.
> >
> > 3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
> > neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
> >
> > 4. S-ex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
> >
> > 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
> promoted.
> >
> > 6. No one is listening until you fa-rt.
> >
> > 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
> >
> > 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
> >
> > 9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
> > couple of mortgage payments.
> >
> > 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
> > That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
> > shoes.
> >
> > 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
> >
> > 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
> and
> > he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
> >
> > 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
> probably
> > worth it.
> >
> > 14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
> >
> > 15. Don't worry; it only seems kin-ky the first time.
> >
> > 16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
> > bad judgment.
> >
> > 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
> > back in your pocket.
> >
> > 18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
> >
> > 19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
> it
> > holds the universe together.
> >
> > 20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
> >
> > 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
> moving.
> >
> > 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 435
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2006 12:19:29 PM

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.


Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.


I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife --
Marrying you screwed up my life.


I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.


My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?


My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."


What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime!
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