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 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 437
My Joke ThreadPage 7 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 438
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 6:23:27 AM
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 439
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 2:44:47 PM
Where the Driver is from:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male.

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male.

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado.

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um."

Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident.
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 440
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 6:32:47 PM
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.



The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 442
view profile
History
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/16/2006 6:03:47 AM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover

that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine ... "
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 443
My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/16/2006 6:51:42 AM
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
 LMAN_67
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 449
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/17/2006 5:34:15 PM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What
are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big
hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your f*!#**g cat."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 455
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/20/2006 6:22:37 AM
New Dentures

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "Well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 456
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/20/2006 6:24:14 AM
Painless Birth

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 457
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/21/2006 7:15:50 PM
POLITICS

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 458
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/21/2006 10:08:55 PM
Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,he laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."

**********************(SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"


*********************(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

******************** (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

******************** (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Marriage (Part V) : The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was

9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 459
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2006 6:20:47 AM
WOMEN ARE EVIL - PART III



A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 460
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2006 6:27:03 AM
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 463
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2006 7:03:38 PM
Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this
handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one
word from each of the three columns below, and preface it
with the word "Thou":

|___Column_1___|____Columm_2____|____Column_3____|
| artless | base-court | apple-john |
| bawdy | bat-fowling | baggage |
| beslubbering | beef-witted | barnacle |
| bootless | beetle-headed | bladder |
| churlish | boil-brained | boar-pig |
| coc*kered | clapper-clawed | bugbear |
| clouted | clay-brained | bum-bailey |
| craven | common-kissing | canker-blossom |
| currish | crook-pated | clack-dish |
| dankish | dismal-dreaming| clotpole |
| dissembling | dizzy-eyed | coxcomb |
| droning | doghearted | codpiece |
| errant | dread-bolted | death-token |
| fawning | earth-vexing | dewberry |
| fobbing | elf-skinned | flap-dragon |
| froward | fat-kidneyed | flax-wench |
| frothy | fen-sucked | flirt-gill |
| gleeking | flap-mouthed | foot-licker |
| goatish | fly-bitten | fustilarian |
| gorbellied | folly-fallen | giglet |
| impertinent | fool-born | gudgeon |
| infectious | full-gorged | haggard |
| jarring | guts-griping | harpy |
| loggerheaded | half-faced | hedge-pig |
| lumpish | hasty-witted | horn-beast |
| mammering | hedge-born | hugger-mugger |
| mangled | hell-hated | joithead |
| mewling | idle-headed | lewdster |
| paunchy | ill-breeding | lout |
| pribbling | ill-nurtured | maggot-pie |
| puking | knotty-pated | malt-worm |
| puny | milk-livered | mammet |
| qualling | motley-minded | measle |
| rank | onion-eyed | minnow |
| reeky | plume-plucked | miscreant |
| roguish | pottle-deep | moldwarp |
| ruttish | pox-marked | mumble-news |
| saucy | reeling-ripe | nut-hook |
| spleeny | rough-hewn | pigeon-egg |
| spongy | rude-growing | pignut |
| surly | rump-fed | puttock |
| tottering | shard-borne | pumpion |
| unmuzzled | sheep-biting | ratsbane |
| vain | spur-galled | scut |
| venomed | swag-bellied | skainsmate |
| villainous | tardy-gaited | strumpet |
| warped | tickle-brained | varlet |
| wayward | toad-spotted | vassal |
| weedy | unchin-snouted | whey-face |
| yeasty | weather-bitten | wagtail |
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 464
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/24/2006 7:48:00 AM
THEY WALK AMONG US

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingm! an, KS.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?
Yep..From Kansas City!



_____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge.
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
! ______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctive! ly tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE!!!
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 472
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:50:35 AM
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and
said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says
ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half
an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
>>>> > She said "THE **stard USED COINS!!!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 473
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:42:52 AM
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

11. No movie. Don't need one.

12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 474
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:47:48 AM
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?

You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 478
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 3:52:05 PM
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office
and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat
around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw
and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home
and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots
drenched in hotsauce,10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with chocolate exlax.

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 480
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:07:27 AM
FREE HAIRCUTS


A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 481
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:09:02 AM
KIDS AT THE WEDDING

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 482
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:18:12 AM
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.

The chicken was delicious!"
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 486
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 4:15:11 PM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

"Who?"

"Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros."

"He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

"Sounds like he was something really special"

"There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer."

"Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

"Wow, some man about town then"

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams; not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

"Mmm, there's not many like him around."

"And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met Frank."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his $&$^$^$$# widow."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 490
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/1/2006 4:43:46 PM
No Sex Since 1955



A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 496
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History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 9:40:46 PM
Stupid...

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar,
drinking and discussing how stupid their
wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
Last week she went to the supermarket and
bought $300 worth of meat because it was
on sale and we don't even have a fridge big
enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty
thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last
week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a
new car," he laments. "She doesn't even know
how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and
agrees that these two woman sound like they
both walked through the stupid forest and got
hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.
"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her
packing her bags and she must have put about
100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!"
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