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 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 500
My Joke Thread.Page 8 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've DEFINITELY pooped in my pants."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 501
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2006 6:03:28 AM
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 502
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2006 1:40:10 PM
Zipper Down


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase
that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he
was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He
zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally
got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks
door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached
the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a
soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said
"No! No I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting
on a couple of old duffel bags.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 506
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:35:25 AM
My wife left me...


I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses and I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day, when she came home from grocery shopping, I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back...
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 507
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:38:34 AM
2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Loquacious Transubstantiate


Ok BraZen, I couldn't even say this sober!
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 512
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:31:51 PM
Quote :
You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass.


Damn , I just turned senile at a ripe old age of 39....LOL



OT- not all are funny ...here goes a list of 50 interesting facts :-

1) If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your
right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on
your left side

2) If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For
when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

3) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

4) Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there
is a thin film of bacteria on it.

5) The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning
'the best or nothing'.

6) The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

7) The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a
person looks at something pleasing.

8) The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less
sleep a night.

9) Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the
immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

10) The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear
is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the
veins in the ear.

11) Dalmatians are born without spots.

12) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

13) The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus',
but for 'and' (in civil proceedings) or 'against' (in criminal proceedings)

14) Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts
have the buttons on the left

15) The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All
other birds raise their lower eyelids

16) The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been
digested by a bee

17) Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks

18) The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to
release calming hormones

19) Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die

20) Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for
your heart

21) The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate

22) When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red

23) When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red

24) The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and
used a tomato can for a carburetor

25) The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney

26) Google is actually the common name for a number with a million
zeros

27) Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag
of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan

28) It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to
make a film about it

29) The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes
dimples

30) There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower

31) The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually
the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

32) Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death

33) It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the
whole body

34) The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

35) Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game

36) The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the
cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air

37) Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are
born, and 140,000 people die

38) In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch
is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and
make it look like it is smiling.)

39) Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish
speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang
yourself."

40) The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its
head are the rabbit and the parrot

41) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair

42) The average person laughs 13 times a day

43) Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:
Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no
evil)

44) Women blink nearly twice as much as men

45) German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of
dog

46) Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump

47) Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster
than the speed of sound

48) Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs,
all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death

49) If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front
leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural cause.

50) The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to
squirt blood 30 feet!!
 LMAN_67
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 515
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 6:33:50 AM
"The Headache"

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a
new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size
44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business
60years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit
perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The
salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe
was
surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been In the business
60 years.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said,
"Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you
one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 LMAN_67
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 516
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 9:11:09 AM
AFFAIRS


A married man was having an affair with his
>>>secretary.
>>> One day they went to her place and made love
>>>all afternoon.
>>> Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8
>>>PM.
>>> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to
>>>take his shoes
>>> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>>> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>>>
>>> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>>> "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm
>>>having an affair with my secretary.
>>>
>>> We had sex all afternoon."
>>>
>>> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>>>
>>> "You lying **stard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair
>>>
>>> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
>>>daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to
>>>try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>>> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy
>>>baby boy.
>>> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see
>>>his new son.
>>>
>>> He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
>>>ever seen.
>>>
>>> He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
>>>father of this baby.
>>>
>>> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>>>
>>> Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>>>
>>> The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this
>>>time!"


The 3rd Affair
>>>
>>> A woman was in bed with her lover when she
>>>heard her husband opening the front door.
>>> "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She
>>>rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>>>"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a
>>>statue."
>>> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he
>>>entered the room.
>>> "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths
>>>bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
>>> No more was said, not even when they went to
>>>bed.
>>> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the
>>>kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said
>>>to the statue,'' Have this. I stood like that for two days at
>>>the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 4th Affair
>>>
>>> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
>>>ordered a beer.
>>>
>>> "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>>> "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>>>
>>> He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for
>>>a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
>>> "A nickel," the barman replied.
>>>
>>> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy
>>>who owns this place?"
>>>
>>> The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my
>>>wife."
>>>
>>> The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with
>>>your wife?"
>>> The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm
>>>doing to his business down here."


The 5h
>>>Affair
>>>
>>> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>>>
>>> He looked up and said weakly: "I have something
>>>I must confess."
>>> "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
>>>
>>> "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
>>>
>>> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>>>her best friend, and your mother!"
>>> "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let
>>>the poison work."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 519
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:48:15 PM
Jeff Foxworthy & Ontario



If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping
that the food will swim by, you live in Ontario.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in Ontario.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the
year, you live in Ontario.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you live in Ontario.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Ontario.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Ontario.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ONTARIAN:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Toronto for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back
again.

5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.

6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.

8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.

9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.

10. Down South to you means Toronto ...

11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost

12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Ontario friends
 Brian401
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 520
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:06:43 PM
What Sexually transmitted deseases do birds Get?

Chirpies.....it's a canarial desease with no tweetment
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 524
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 5:50:21 AM
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every "F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)



















HOW MANY ?

................. 3?



WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

The reasoning behind is further down.



The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.

It will drive them crazy.! And keep them occupied

for several minutes..!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 525
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 1:58:50 PM
Interesting Psychological Fact...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If
she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies in this area have
been canceled.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 531
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 6:54:22 AM
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

Gotta love the Irish.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 532
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 2:31:02 PM
The Birds & the Bees, 21st century style

The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad says: Ah, my
son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 537
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 8:48:35 PM
Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have
combined to market the new Mint flavored birth
control pill that women may take immediately before
sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug
store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're
going to be called....

















"Pre-dick-a-mints!"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 539
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 6:22:53 AM
These three doctors from Arkansas are playing golf and comparing stories.
The first one says, "I'm the best surgeon in the world. I had a concert pianist who cut off seven of his fingers. I reattached them and three months later he played a concert for the Quenn of England."
The second one quickly griped "That's nothing, I had a man who lost both of his legs and one arm in an auto accident. I reattached them and two years later he won the olympic decathlon."
The third doctor chuckled and said "You guys are amateurs. I once had a blonde woman ride a horse head-on into a train travelling at 80 miles per hour. All that was recovered were the womans blonde hair and the horses ass, but I worked with them and today she is a senator from NEW YORK."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 540
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 6:34:01 AM
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 541
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 7:41:57 AM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......

The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 544
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 2:17:55 PM
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bltch had $500 in quarters."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 547
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:11:50 AM
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 548
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:14:24 AM
Married Life

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before getting to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out "so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY!" and she acts like she is asleep every time.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 549
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2006 7:24:01 PM
Repeat after me:

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e- mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
POST CARDS, or GET-WELL-CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately
after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending
things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC
to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and
send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full
moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 560
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 6:05:53 AM
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 561
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 1:18:34 PM
The Cremated Husband!

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said,
"Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? .....

.....Here it comes!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 563
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 6:56:46 PM
Senior Moments


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

------------

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,
but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover
rather than the big shit he always was."

---------

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her,
so the captain sent the old man back to shore
with the promise that he would notify him
as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally
the old man got a fax from the boat's captain.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you,
we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and
attached to her butt was an oyster
and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .
please advise."
The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

---------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who had recently passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a funeral is held, and at the end of it,
the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

---------


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady
sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning
and then gets up and makes me
pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch
and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me
a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert
and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

--------

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time.....
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"

---------

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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