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 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 565
My Joke Thread.Page 9 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
If Men Got Pregnant

1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.

2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 566
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2006 6:57:32 AM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!!!”
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 567
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2006 8:45:05 AM
Subject: Frozen to death.

Two women were new arrivals at the pearly gates and comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched down in the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "That's really quite tragic. Of course, if you had looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive."
 FISHGOLF
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 568
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2006 9:33:19 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they
said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and
the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the
friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So
he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her...... He's naked, too!!! The ****!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want me to do?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his****off to
teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....."
 FISHGOLF
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 569
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2006 9:36:01 AM
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.

She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fcuking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 573
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2006 7:19:02 PM
Need to Fit a Camel

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 574
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2006 7:55:46 PM
An assortment of things to make you smile

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back it will always
be yours. If it doesn't come back,
it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your livingroom,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize thath you
had set it free..... You either married it
or gave birth to it.

----------

Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

----------

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it
the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to
go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear
as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty... do it and die."

-----------

My mind not only wonders,
it sometimes leaves completely.

-----------

The nice part about living in a small town:
When you don't know what you're doing,
someone else always does.

-----------

The best way to forget all your troubles
is to wear tight shoes.

------------

Amazing!! You hang something in your closet
for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

------------

Sometimes I think I understand everything...

then I regain consciousness.

------------
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 576
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/17/2006 6:09:35 AM
New Disease


A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 577
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/17/2006 6:14:13 AM
Leaving Work Early


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 578
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/17/2006 6:29:19 AM
COIN TRICK

A father walks into a coffee shop with his son. His son is clutching a shiny, brand new quarter. As the man begins to drink his coffee, his son falls to the floor and his face has turned blue. Right away the man knows that his son has swallowed the quarter. Frantically, the man starts yelling for help. With all the commotion, a well dressed, professional woman looks over the top of her paper. She neatly folds the paper and calmly makes her way over to the boy. As she bends over the boys body, she removes his pants. She then grabbs his testicals and starts twisting, gently at first, then more and more vigorously. Soon, the boys body convulses and he coughs up the quarter. The woman catches the quarter in her free hand, gives it to the father, releases the boys testicals and calmly walks back to her seat. After the man makes sure his son is alright, he makes his way over to the womans table. The man says, "I have never seen anything like that, are you a doctor"? The woman smiles and says, "No sir, a divorce attorney".
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 579
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/17/2006 7:28:10 AM
A man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!!!", he demanded.

"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my!", exclaimed the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 580
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/17/2006 11:18:41 AM
Gas Joke


A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans,
would you know which bean made you FART?"
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 581
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/17/2006 4:21:30 PM
Words Women Use:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 591
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/18/2006 2:14:52 PM
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN


Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

----------
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
-----------
The Layette:


1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
----------
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick
up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
-----------
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
-----------

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
----------
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
----------
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
----------
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
----------
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!
------------



GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 594
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:18:23 AM
Ponderings


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 595
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:40:42 AM
First Time Skydiver


A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 596
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:44:24 AM
Designer Condoms - Company Slogans:


Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 597
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:52:52 AM
Hammer Heads

Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.

"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"

"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and I throw it away."

"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 598
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:54:50 AM
The Blonde and the Snow Plow


A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
 FISHGOLF
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 599
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 9:11:54 AM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 600
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2006 7:44:18 AM
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 603
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/29/2006 10:57:38 AM
Joke for dog lovers

To the people I know who love dogs.

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny
at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check
stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my
nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you
know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top
of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then
acting surprised when I freak out every time we go
back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that
handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the
fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know
who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your
poop do you ???
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 605
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:59:19 PM
Rooster Story


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."?

Moral of this story? ....?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 606
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/1/2006 1:44:06 PM
old lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Oops!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right
into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the
bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By theway,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 608
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2006 1:03:13 PM
A man is sitting in his living room watching a football game, and suddenly hears a knock on the door.

He opens it, and notices a snail on his doorstep. The snail looks up at him and says " Hi, can I have a few minutes of your time ? "

He bends down, grabs the snail and throws it far into his backyard - and goes back to watching the game.










Three years later, he is sitting there in his living room when he hears another knock on his door.

He opens it, and the snail yells " WHAT THE #%^&$%# WAS THAT ABOUT !!!!!! "
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