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 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2319
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My Joke Thread.Page 97 of 97    (57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97)
SVU Birthday Gift


Two old guys were talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup........

Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2320
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/10/2010 5:00:49 PM
Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2321
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My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:56:42 PM
Depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2322
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Posted: 5/13/2010 1:30:04 PM
Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2323
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Posted: 5/13/2010 4:51:23 PM
Newfy Trilogy!!


Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2324
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Posted: 5/17/2010 4:01:46 PM
24 Inches Rule

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had peni$es 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his peni$ and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the peni$ to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his peni$.

A few days later. the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches"

"No, it's turned black..."
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2325
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Posted: 5/17/2010 4:08:22 PM
Sweet Tea


A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
Home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a
sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2326
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Posted: 5/27/2010 4:37:10 PM
Words of Wisdom

1. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

4. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

5.Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

6. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

7. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

8. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

9. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

10. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

11. I am a nutritional overachiever.

12. I am having an out of money experience.

13. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

14. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

15. A day without sunshine is like night.

16. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

17. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

18. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

19. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

20. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

21. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

22. And this one is the real truth, so pay attention: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2327
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Posted: 5/29/2010 3:00:17 PM
The Obama one isn't funny, mainly because it has no factual basis. The Roosevelt quote is wrong, the Moses quote is non-existent, and since Obama COULD NOT have done any of the things attributed to him (they are all under the control of Congress), the only thing left in the entire "joke," is the one-liner about an out-sourced suicide hotline. By itself, THAT would have been funny, but smooshed in with vapid anti-Democrat pseudo-political garbage, it comes across as sour grapes.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2328
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Posted: 6/16/2010 7:54:41 PM
I Got A Timex




My neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch !"
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2329
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Posted: 6/22/2010 2:31:30 PM
Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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