Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Stop being a NICE guy      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Stop being a NICE guyPage 3 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
Hiya pour ...

that soft center is more fluffy nuget than it is compassion and caring
 rainy37
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/21/2005 6:39:12 PM
So, we meet again lovelife. And I couldn't agree with you more. How soon can you get here? hehehe ( inside joke)
 akaTheOne
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 53
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/21/2005 7:18:46 PM
While every single woman will totally disagree with you..I was reading literature on this exact same thing...as you are 100% right. Now, when I think of ANY relationship that I ever got into, I was somewhat following your advice ( okay, NOT FROM YOU, but you get the picture ) and that is when things happened. Not sure why that is...

Girls...he's not saying guys should be jerk or ***holes..he's just saying that we can't be nice to you because it appears as manipulation when we act like lap dogs and buy gifts and dinners and stuff. Give it some real thought..all those nice guys you met and didn't persue because of some lame excuse...it's harder for a nice guy to spark that gut chemistry you feel when you meet a guy you want to spend time with.

Jay, thanks for the honesty..
 Mr_CLEAN
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 54
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/22/2005 12:45:52 AM
I never EVER listened to my mother or sister on dating Advice.

I learned it from my female friends and male friends.

Times have changed. Our Chemistry and etc you guys talk about are the same yes, but the way in which we approach issues now is different.

It is really sad sometimes, and I know what some of you guys and gals think...

I've read posts by some older men and women here and to be honest, I highly respect the values you all bring with yourselves.

I would be shocked if I found myself talking to a woman around my age group with those values but I'm just not looking for that. Adaptability is Survival. If you dont adapt, you will die off. And for that, sometimes we have to change the way we think initially to get into the rat race, and then later to get out.

I can totally understand some people's frustrations. Simple life is over. People are so used to living Complicated and DEMANDING lifestyles, that if love comes easy, they just simply ignore it, or dont want to take it seriously because it just doesnt DEMAND or Complicate their lives!

Advance Warning ---

If anyone disagrees, take it to GOD or your Shrink, I dont wanna hear any B.S. about what I said because its my own experience.

---- Ok so now I've cleared that up, I really hope that those of us who are in their 40's and 50's, who have matured and wisened up, find what they are looking for.

The young ones are here to play, WHY? because they CAN and they will. It's life.

I chose to be on this site because it is a CHALLENGE, as I said earlier. I like challenges because they are fun for me. It's just too easy to meet women in person. If I devoted my time entirely to that, I would end up really screwing myself over! LOL.

Anyways, I wish you all the best of luck. Think about what I said about adapting...
 DeagleNINja
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 55
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/22/2005 6:08:41 AM
All I really have to add to this is that the vast majority of people are incapable of relationships (at least healthy one). Many of the posters here have something in their personality that is going to doom whatever relationship they find themselves in...

So don't cater to these people in the sense that you are willing to change or hide things about yourself to make it work. Perhaps one day these same people will have worked through their issues and be capable of something more, but until then, stay away...
 rainy37
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/22/2005 8:52:40 AM
I think vanitygirl has made some great points. Stop given her balls lovelife. Take it easy on her. And don't judge a book by it's covers.
 JayJay2006
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 57
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/22/2005 4:30:03 PM

Seems like a contradiction. Earlier there were statements of the man being in control 24/7 then after all that talk about animal magnetism we have this passive needs line. I don't think it's about aggressiveness or about being passive. It should be about respect and decency, which a nice guy will naturally and genuinely show. It is about being compatible which is the best thing you can have in a long term relationship. Smart people tend to know this.


You are right poorgie. But the world doesnt work that way. Sure, it SHOULD be about decency and respect. But the world is a cut-throat business. Good/"Nice" guys get eaten alive out there and nothing else. You should knwo this by now.

"Nice" people, from elementary school, to college,to the work force get the "left overs" of everything.

That said, i think people shouldn't waste time being "nice" , this is epscially to the so called "nice" guys who talk to girls and act like their girlfriends. Don't you want to be more than just a "girlfriend"? If you beat around the bush with women they will just think of you as a loser friend, not to say you cant be friends with women but if YOU want more why just be friends?....

In my experience it's soo easy to win girls over it's almost laughable. If I want a second date I can almost gurantee I'll get a second date. If you are outgoing ,overly agressive and pretty good looking you will almost always get a second date. Another word of advice is don't ever be all over girls, like I said in my first post about never telling women how YOU think they are so great and beautiful and so forth. Same thing just try to avoid being overly interested in her. This also means you should ignore her and spend as much time with your boys.

I forgot to add one of the most important thing with women is EYE CONTACT! I cant stress this any more,guys... it is the key to getting women attracted! When I go out to wherever I can nearly gurantee or atleast 95% of the time I can get a girl to say something to me if I'm in a store or if I'm walking down the street get her to give me a smile just by looking in her eyes. I don't know what it is that I do with my eyes but what I can tell you is just be thinking to yourself that you are the MAN, you are the big cheese, you are god, whatever you want to call it but you are the MAN! You have to do more than just say this to yourself, you have to feel it deep inside that you are the salf of the earth and this aura will spread good emotion to women and get them interested. When you see a girl you like, grab her by the waist and look deeply into her eyes and you have no idea what this type behavior does to women, it will make their heart rush. The eye contact goes along with the confidence because if you can look a girl right in her eyes for a long time, you are "indirectly" telling her that shes nice to look at. And this will win her over. I want to see any women here deny this that they hate it when guys look in their eyes. I think if you really have a**** confident personality and you SHOW IT , you will be irresistible

And you cant be a "nice" guy and a "confident" guy. no way
 JayJay2006
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 58
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/22/2005 4:34:43 PM
taurus516 wrote::

The only thing I can add is coming from David De Angelo.He says women don't want "nice" guys(we've defined "nice" here,if uncomfortable with nice,substitute "wuss" for "nice"),they don't want "smart" guys either."Smart" guys will end up as "friends".



This De Angelo guy is right on the money.. it's not even funny. So many men think if they ask a girl for advice on women they will get realistic responses but what women say is the complete opposite of what they want, don't ever forget this. The stuff I have said has been tested time and time again and it WORKS. But the one thing thats more important than anything is YOU having confidence in yourself and the second most important thing is don't be Mr. Nice guy....NEVER

.
 Mr_CLEAN
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 59
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/22/2005 4:35:57 PM
JayJay: OK, so I gotta Question for you now...

What if EVERYONE followed your advice and became a "not a nice guy" THEN WHAT?

Why dont you just let it be. You know what I think? I dont think anyone is PURELY NICE or PURELY BAD. There's both in each one of us. And it comes out when the time is right. When we learn from our mistakes. We loose a little, we gain a little.

You kinda understand what I'm saying?
 M_Thoma_58
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 60
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/23/2005 8:52:23 AM
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.... and mind readers.
I can see where you are coming from. I am a nice person also and have been walked on, but not just by men just by some people in general. Because there are givers and takers and takers are attracted to givers. I just had to put a big NO sign on my apartment door with the words " I am out of everything", for the fact that I need to tell to takers not to even knock any more. I hate it that I have been codependent for so long, which made me overly nice and volnerable. I still want to be a nice person thou. So I need to be less nieve.
I wanted to say at first that you are wrong, but you're not in some ways, you can feel the way you do for how ever long you want to feel this way, but you have brought it all on your self.
I am attracted to nice men, but I am way more attracted to a gentleman. They seem to be getting harder to find, I bet there are more out there, but they just don't show it. And at the same time woman are acting less like ladies. I have found that a lot of men love a lady in public but having a slut in the bedroom. But it seems like being a slut in public is what is going to get us what we want it the bedroom.
We are not all mind readers and can not tell what others really want unless we are told.
Oh and BTW I have a son that is a sgt in special forces in the army. He can be a hell of a nice guy and he is also sensative. But don't try and walk on him.
 Musikmaster
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 61
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/23/2005 9:53:09 AM
They are never looking for a single, honest, funny guy. They just say that. It's all about politeness. The guys just have to learn to feel a touch of indifference and expect things a certain way. To feel really disappointed, you think you need to be nice and doubt yourself. You can be nice but don't be overly generous or give out too much attention. It's really dumb but some of those advice-makers are accurate. The "challenge" is not there and the foolish girl takes on some chump who appears both bad and challenging. In the end, she's single yet again.
 williamb24
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 62
Start being a nice guy
Posted: 10/23/2005 10:01:35 AM
Jay Jay, when I read your post I thought to myself.....*this guy is regressing to primal dating behaviors*. I wouldn't be surprised if you beat women over the head with a club to date them you australopithicus man. The women you want to date and may have found some success with, being the so called *bad boy* you think you are; are invariably promiscuous, narcissistic and unloving and only seeking impulsive physical relationships. I do not advocate relinquishing one's self and confidence and serving a woman, but I do indeed believe there needs to be an egalitarian status quo whereby both partners feel useful and loved by one another for a sustainable relationship, but this is the entire issue - DURABILITY. When you coercively take away a woman's right to make her own decisions you are not only breaking fundamental human rights...you are going to lead her into a state of hoplessness and loss of love for you. Sure you may have been attractive to her in the beginning with your masculine *me king, you dumb broad* braun, but hey, when you are living together for longer than a 2 hour *one night stand*, who really wants to be in the vicinity of a dictator like yourself. Long reltionships are built on lenient demands of the one you love, friendship and caring, loving goodness and kind acts. not domineering and trampling on hopes and dreams. It may all sound cliche, but I don't care if I am single a lifetime if it means giving up everything my parents taught me about being a kind human being and avoiding promiscuous women who only want one thing.
PS if your *I will do it my way in spite of her desires* mentality is so successful, why are you on a free dating site Jay Jay?

Shalom

Will
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 63
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/23/2005 3:31:21 PM
Think for a minute where the concept of "nice" comes from:

As a child we are taught to be nice, and being nice becomes associated with a reward of some sort. If we are nice we are given a candy bar or a new toy. We become conditioned to expect pleasure from being nice.

As adults we bring the same concept into relationships. A "nice guy" enters into a relationship expecting that he will be rewarded for being nice. The perceived rewards can be acceptance, intimacy, and sex. However, it doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work is that the woman senses his need for the reward, and is unwilling to surrender her emotions and her body to someone who is expecting them as a payback.

Usually, the nice guy responds to rejection by doing what he has been conditioned to do. He becomes nicer, which usually drives the woman further away. At that point, the nice guy becomes lost and confused because what he has grown up to believe in has failed him.

It's no wonder that the words "nice" and "needy" are synonomous.

Once the nice guy reaches the conclusion that being nice doesn't provide him with the pleasure he is seeking, his alternative is to become bad. That doesn't work either because acting bad, like acting nice, is still acting, and is done with the expectation of the reward, i.e., acceptance, intimacy and sex. Instead of being nice and needy, he becomes bad and needy. And all women, even the dimmest ones, will eventually see through the facade.

There is a difference between being nice and performing selfless acts of kindness. Being nice comes with strings attached; selflessness does not. If nice guys were truly selfless, they would not be seeking anything in return and they would never complain about not receiving acceptance, intimacy and sex.

Be true to yourself and you will be true to others.

There is nothing wrong with courtesy and respect. There is nothing wrong with understanding. There is nothing wrong with a guy showing his emotions and exposing his "feminine" side. But those things cannot be confused with being "nice".
 Musikmaster
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 64
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/23/2005 6:02:50 PM
It is unforunate but the OP is more accurate (in reality) than the girls and guys who posted sarcastic responses in disagreement. The difference is there are other variables and factors that may result in exceptions but the overall philosophy and reality is closer to that negative perspective than the other sugarcoated, optimistic advice the detractors respond with.
 Mr_CLEAN
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 65
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/24/2005 1:04:01 AM
D'Angelo or whatever these guys teach, I am sure teach something deeper than just picking up women.

Here's a quote for men.

If your prey knows how you think, your game is OVER.

Whatever books you are reading, you are learning it all wrong. I am really sick of men making women look like game. Just like you are out trying to bonk every girl. Every girl is out trying NOT to get bonked by YOU.

And BONK is my word for SEX. But no my ancestors weren't Flintstones.
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 67
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/24/2005 1:35:24 AM
I posted this somewhere else but I think it is relevant here as well.....
unlike david deangelo who is just trying to make a buck..I'll share the info pro bono
much of it is commonsense anyhow :-



1)Stop expecting an outcome..enjoy yourself meeting people.
2) Develop your own sense of humor - dont use cheesy lines from dating newsletters.
3) Read widely - that way you can converse on a wide variety of topics with a wide variety of people.
4) Treat women as people first gender second - behave the same irregardless of gender in presence...what women are generally more perceptive to gestures, body language & tone of voice than men..they can smell you a mile away if your behaviour or mannerisms are "put on".
5) When you are talking to her look her in the eyes..stop staring at her boobs...yes they can tell..see #4.Smiling also helps but..don’t smile like a Cheshire cat..a warm friendly smile works.
6) Give her your fullest attention...dont go thru the motions of "pretend listening" not hearing a thing she said...and awaiting your turn to talk.
7) learning to like yourself combined with wide reading & humor will give you CONFIDENCE not to be confused with ARROGANCE.
8) Dont continue to GAB on topics that she has no interest in whatsoever...and dont repeat yourself.
9) Dont pester her for her number....if she likes to talk she'll give it to you.
10) Stick to your principles - dont be a "yes man"..backpedalling the minute she disagrees..you don’t have to be rude but..you can politely beg to differ with her opinion..she will respect you more for it..
 williamb24
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 68
STILL being a nice guy
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:56:39 AM
Simply seeking to *perfect the art* of dating will lead you to confuse the meaning of the whole encounter - which is simply to get to further communicate face to face and to discern whether you enjoy being with the person you found attractive initially by sight. An analogy could be a person trying to read three books simultaneously while trying to maintain interest in all three, and it will just lead to embarassment and infuriation on your date. The harder you consciously focus on your body gestures while also trying to handle your lines and your sense of humor and appearance, the more bungled everything will become.....De'Angelo is a scam. There is no definitive, universally applicable solution to winning someone's heart. there is no science to it. The sheer diversity of loving relationships between unlikely couples all over the world is testament to this. BE YOURSELF!
 Musikmaster
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 69
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/24/2005 11:05:37 AM

"Whatever you do don't ever act like you really like her, NEVER ever tell her how you feel about her and NEVER tell her she is beautiful.(NEVER)"

It's almost amusing how girls don't understand this one or say that they don't and object to it. The problem is so many either don't realize what they're doing or they lie about it because it looks bad on them. This is a universal rule. That is, if you are interested in someone, you utilize this first. It is in their brain that you become less interesting once you make it known that you are interested in them. Unless you are a hollywood movie star, you become less interesting right off the bat. There is no mystery left. Unless the girl has a lot of personality and is very openminded about prospective bfs, she is not going to be interested in the "nice guy" who tells her, "I like you, what do you think?" or who makes a lot of compliments which makes it obvious. Or when he shows a lot of enthusiasm or attentiveness when he meets (or talks to) her. If you don't agree, that's fine but so many people are claiming this so that's a lot of people who have this impression then. I wonder where they got it... hmmmmmmmmmmm...haha

The best way is to feel indifferent and eventually you can have multiple girlfriends. Then you have your choice.
 Musikmaster
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 70
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/25/2005 7:09:51 AM
The nice guys aren't staring at boobs, nor are they not listening. They are willing to talk about whatever subjects the girls are interested in. They don't use cheesy lines and give their fullest attention. If they're guilty of anything, they are *too* attentive and lack confidence or assertiveness. The problem is that C. King's "pointers" don't always work; infact, they don't work all that often which is frustrating for a lot of guys and hence, these kinds of posts. I already posted some reasons but obviously, doing all these things with confidence still doesn't ensure any guy will interest a girl. It just improves the possibility.

When I mentioned, "feel indifferent," I meant it as an attitude to have if things don't go your way. In other words, not to make everything depend on whether Chick A likes you or you get to date her. The fear of rejection, the anxiety of that and really caring whether Chick A will become interested probably impacts the confidence level of many guys. The guys (who don't have the luxury of relying on appearance) who seem to have success are able to let disappointments and rejections not get to them. Thus, they can be themselves and not try too hard to be overly nice. There's always a Chick B.

Girls/women don't appreciate things (guys do). They are always wanting money or a trophy guy. They disregard the "nice guy" because he's not a challenge or "interesting." "He'll be a pushover." A lot of guys complain, "I poured my heart out; I was nice and thought I was the kind of guy she wanted but she didn't even care!" That's because she doesn't. Not for those things.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 71
view profile
History
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/25/2005 7:19:03 AM

then i for some strange reason end up being the ex-bit*h he dated he use-to date

Once you're the "ex" why does it matter how you're perceived by that person?

There’s only a few people whose opinions of me actually matter - that doesn’t include any exes. I’m sure some of them hate me - good for them.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:59:41 AM
Kinda,
Sorry ... ya “kinda” lost me there. “gaf”???
 sddude
Joined: 11/4/2004
Msg: 73
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/25/2005 9:22:01 AM
this nice guy bad guy threads are always the same , guy say they do not get chicks until they change from the nice guy ways , and alot of chicks always invaribly say that is not the way to be ...not true that being not a nice guy ( I do not mean a pushover ) wioll work ion them .... actually I am one of them that cahnged , remember my old responses always complaining always a winer to the women here , now I live with two women and I have no problem getting dates in the real world I date women from 18 to 45 anytime anywhere , except on dating sites like this , hahahahaha. I was always complainging that I did not have a date in two years women here would tell me to be myself and based on what they knew about me I was one of those rare guys that women looked for , successful , caring , generous , adventureous , goodlooking , athletic...blah blah blah ,

That advice never works, ladies's you just give that kind of be yourself advice and keep guys lonely I got over the bull and now I made someone else , call me an ***hole or a player but I never tell a women a lie about what I want but I have to keep the game going , the badboy game , the nice me is dead until I get married one day . Being a badboy really close to being an ass**#%#hole really works . Got several begging me everyday I am blown by the difference in the results .

Women play a game it is a complicated game , a guy just has to play harder , I wish the games did not exist but too bad , relationships are a woman's game they own the board , we have to find a way to beat it .
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/25/2005 9:30:09 AM
SD makes a very good point about the “game.” I say, either don’t play or make your own rules. Screw playing by their rules. You know the old sports saying “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”
 sddude
Joined: 11/4/2004
Msg: 75
Stop being a NICE guy
Posted: 10/25/2005 9:37:01 AM
too bad the game exists , not playing it and being too nice landed me with 20 hot female friends that will always see me as a friend only , they knew me when I was nice , now they think I am kind of hot so they introduce me to their friends and sisters even aunts .

Women own this board game , look at this site , women alot get mails daily even the ones that seem not as attractive to guys get much more that guys , I am on 0 friends list but everywomen has gotten responses and/or are on alot of friends lists , most guys cannot say the same , it has been months since I recieved mails of interest , got two but both were mentally unstable . relationships and dating is a women's candy store most guys beg women , the ones who cheat at the game get begged for , like me now but internet dating is still a women's strong point . Hard to cheat here , hahahahaha.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Stop being a NICE guy