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 ImThatSteve
Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 212
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PolyamoryPage 3 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
The International sex and relationship sex therapists Guild 2005 convention. The statistics are a few years old, and we were talking about "life long" monogomists ie married their first love and stayed that way till they died, 50 year plus marriges. However, there is an easier way to get your own numbers- how many people do you know have had more than one relationship in their lives; and now, how many people do you personally know who have died with the only person they have ever been with for over 50 years. It's not to hard to imagine if we all use our basic math skills for a change instead of religeous doctrine. and yes I am licensed therapist thank you very much.
 ImThatSteve
Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 213
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History
Polyamory
Posted: 5/18/2008 2:29:08 AM
and these statistics were provided to me by pro monogomy sex therapists in my field who had attended the convention. What they had claimed is that shorter term monogomist relationships were on average easier and more relaxed than longer term polyamorous relationships due to the level of conscious effort being needed to maintain a fair share of time for every participant; unlike where in a monogomist relationship it's come home from work watch tv and eat dinner, get into a routine that doesn't require conscious effort for the most part. Hence, monogomists are on average happier because "mindlessness is bliss" as in you get to space out earlier in the relationship and develop one routine with one person, no multiple people to be considerate of.
 ImThatSteve
Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 216
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History
Polyamory
Posted: 5/19/2008 3:03:34 AM
The sources have been cited in my previous posts, take the time to read through them instead of mimicking mindless, drull, uneducated antagonists. The point made was that there are very few "pure" monogomists as there are also very few "pure" polyamourists, most people to some degree and at some time within their life operate in the "grey" area like Serial monogomy, Dating while legaly separated, getting to know someone without calling it completely off with your current significant other, or by all terms "Dating" is inherantly polyamorous (even if sex isn't involved) so for those who have some seventies orgie scenarios running through your minds, do yourself a favor and educate yourself on the subject at hand before you open up your mouth and show the world how simple minded you really are.
 MelloDLyn
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 219
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History
Polyamory
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:09:16 AM
No I am not open minded about polyamory! It may be ok for some just not for me.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 229
view profile
History
Polyamory
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:17:29 PM
Miashakti

thank you.. best thing I've ever read on polyamory


Yet remember that more often, jealousy has nothing to do with one's partner actually having sex or sharing love outside the relationship. It is about the imagined fear of loss. We can become jealous at the mere idea or suspicion of this, or at our partner's fantasies, and even at the love shared with him or herself. In plenty of relationships people stop masturbating (and creating art or music or writing or taking long walks in the woods) because it's perceived as a threat by their partner. And that is not life.


I especially liked this paragraph, it's so true. I don't always make it to this point and I've struggled with the insecurity and fear of loss... but I've also been lucky to have some moments when I was able to set my partner free... really free, and REALLY just wish for his happiness more than anything. It's a marvelous feeling, and I believe the essence of true love. It's like that poem of Kihlal Gibran's about raising children... how they do not belong to you.. always brings a tear to my eyes when I read it, and reminds me of my true place as a parent.


On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


I try to see my lover in the same way... I fail, but I get up and try again, because I'd like to be able to attain this lofty goal.

I don't know if I would pursue a polyamorous lifestyle, but there is a part of me that is open to it, if it happened naturally... only because I have had so many wonderful people in my life that I have loved, and have moved on... as I have. It hurts sometimes, but when I think back to some of the things I've shared with them and things I have learned from them the memories are warm... and it was WORTH IT ALL. Yup, even the pain.

Peace
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 231
Polyamory
Posted: 7/10/2008 5:03:48 PM
Ah another catch phrase word to make something sleazy sound sophisticated. Swinging and having multiple partners has NOTHING to do with romance. It has to do with getting off and fulfilling certain peoples fantasy. Romance is about love. Swinging and 3 somes have NOTHING to do with love.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 235
Polyamory
Posted: 7/12/2008 3:00:13 PM

Some people have a very narrow view of the meaning of relationships, romance, and love, and some people have a much wider view. It seems to depend largely on your indoctrination into these concepts as a child, plus some experiences later in life. Those will determine what's comfortable for you, and few people can push outside their comfort zone successfully.

.


Zentral I couldnt disagree with a post more. Swinging is cheating without having to lie. Its all about fantasy and sleazy sex. It never brings a couple closer together to screw someone else. Sorry; I live in the real world.

Many now dont' have morals; they arrogantly just say,"everything I do is moral; I'm open minded and if you dont' accept it you are threatened and close minded". LOL; whatever.

Your post IMHO is elitist and arrogant. "My comfort zone is wider". lol; so are drug dealers, thieves and people that cheat in relationships; many in their minds are not doing anything wrong or they have an excuse. That doesn't make what they do right.

This way of thinking is the very reason the divorce rate is one of the highest in the world and both sexes now cheat more often than not. The teenage STD rate is 25% with now 49% in the African American community. In the adult world its much higher because of more sex partners. Sorry this type of philosophy isn't working; it didn't in the 70's, and it doesn't now.

In this way of thinking there is no right and wrong. You just make your own right and wrong and anything goes. Well thats your thing; thats cool, but I'm real.

I'm not threatened at all. I dont allow that in my life so its fine with me; it doesnt' bother me. If you want to do it then go for it. this is the u.s. and we all can do as we please. What bothers me are people that think they are better than others because they accept this behavior, and they chastise those that dont. The person I love isn't a latte' to be shared with everyone else.

But dont hide behind an elitist attitude to justify your actions. Swinging and swapping your partner like dogs in heat isn't love. It is what it is; Its about getting off and fanstasy; no matter how much new age philosophy and consciousness you try to use to spin it. Some still know right and wrong. If in your mind that's close minded, then I'm guilty as charged.
 COTTONCANDY85
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 237
Polyamory
Posted: 7/14/2008 7:49:51 PM
Hey there was searching through the forums and found this one, I have a link my guy friend gave me about this subject!! If you are really interested then message me and I will send you the link. Since I can't post it out here on the forums! Its a huge site the first page is ridiculiously long but it does tell you more about polyamory.

The guy friend that gave me the site, I thought was a potential love but I am not sure now. I am very glad that he was open with me but I know I would want him all to myself and I just don't think thats happening since he told me he was into polyamory! Like I said send me a message and I will send you the link!
 Blonde_charm
Joined: 9/18/2007
Msg: 241
Polyamory
Posted: 8/3/2008 9:18:27 PM
I would consider myself in a polyamory relationship. I am deeply in love with my husband and have had lovers during the course of our relationship. Some have been just "buddies" but a couple I developed a deep love for. Not any type of love that would interfere in my primary relationship since there is no way it could.

After 10 years we are more in love now than when we met.

BUT... I believe we are the exception.

Be careful, talk alot, make sure any hesitation or feelings of jealousy are discussed. Long before actually meeting other people.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 245
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History
Polyamory
Posted: 10/14/2008 2:07:04 PM
The Mormon plural marriage was not a quality family life and their many children was raised in a poor upbringing. So the Mormon plural marriages was abolished. In my opinion the practice of polyamory will decline the sanctity of marriage and the one that will suffer the most are the children.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 247
Polyamory
Posted: 10/14/2008 3:54:08 PM

So the Mormon plural marriages was abolished. In my opinion the practice of polyamory will decline the sanctity of marriage and the one that will suffer the most are the children.


For those who have more than one love, polyamorous relationships are sacred. Mormon plural marriages were as a means of control in order for the territory of Utah to be become a state. The abolishment had little to do with whether or not they were successful.

As for children, there doesn't seem to be a great deal of data as to the suffering of any children. So far, the data collected from the children of polygamous families in Texas do not seem to support the idea that they were suffering in any way.

We do know that children suffer in unhappy marriages and when those marriages are dissolved. Some children suffer in families where the marriage is happy.

The reality of life is that human beings suffer across the life span.

Frankly, I think that there is little left that could cause further decline in the "sanctity" of marriage. That's just my observed opinion and only has value for me.

Regards,

ACP
 redmegh
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 249
Polyamory
Posted: 10/22/2008 11:01:03 PM
I love what you say here Ms Ali! because this is how i live my life. I was once in a poly relationship and it was the best thing that ever happened to me relationship wise. Unfortunately it didn't work out in the end as one of us was not into it, but for me it fit perfectly. i have never had problems loving and am thrilled to bits to see my partner loving others (this is called compersion... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion). I'm not saying it's easy! I have never known it to be easy.
I have had the pleasure of being in a forum at the international conference on Bisexuality in Vancouver and have meet several loving relationships that include more than two in them. People can actually do this, live together, raise kids together... it takes a certain person and takes a lot of working through jealousy.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 252
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History
Polyamory
Posted: 10/28/2008 4:42:13 PM

ok.. my post got deleted so I'll just bump this up.



I also should add... i think its really stupid that this topic is in sex and dating and not RELATIONSHIPS where it belongs.


Welcome to the forums my friend...
 Gwiontaliesin
Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 262
Polyamory
Posted: 12/23/2008 3:21:43 PM
Hi Ms Ali I am Gwiontaliesin, It seems like everyone just thinks this sharing thing is evil. However, I too am polyamorus Gwiontaliesin is my profile name look me up let me know if you'd like to chat.
 Gwiontaliesin
Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 263
Polyamory
Posted: 12/23/2008 3:37:38 PM
cubanguy,
It blindness if you can't see that monogamy only works in a series. Mongogamy is supposed to be lifetime commitment. People who are polyamorus take a realistic approach to wanting and having people be in there life for the rest of their lives. The sanctity of Marriage is destroyed by the astornomical divorce rate in the world. And why is the divorce rate so high? Lets face it men and women in monogamous relationships cheat on each other they lie to each other. Monogamy is an evil institution!
True love has no conditions. Monogamy relationships are rife with conditions it says if you have feelings for anyone else our relationship is over. When I caught my first wife cheating on me I broke the man she was with . I am not exagerating I am not using a ufamism. I spent a year in prison over it. I cannot go back to having monogamous relationships because of this.
Monogamy is a sanity robber. How many crimes of passion must this world endure because of the cancerous monogamous mind set that people continually force on their there children and each other? This world is going to continually decline because of the lack of true love amongst people. So yes it my opinion that human civilization will retard because of monogamous beliefs. Maybe this is extreme but monogamy is too extreme.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 264
Polyamory
Posted: 12/23/2008 5:22:00 PM

I personally don't think it would work if you're into a serious relationship. It kills it... I've been told by my sister that it happen to her with her husband with another girl. After that happen she was separated for two years, but luckly got back together. Obvisously if you wanted polymory relationship would have to be outside a serious one. Maybe like with someone that is friends with you only.

As stated above:

That's the experience of ONE polyamorous relationships. Lots of relationships end, and that doesn't mean it's the fault of the structure of the relationship. Do we blame monogamy when monogamous relationships break up?--Of course not. It's not because the relationship was monogamous; it's due to incompatibility, or the failure of the partners to communicate or honor the commitments they've made.

Exactly. Ultra conservative American views still amuse me. Unless one has delved into this topic in a "real" sense, either via living in a poly-household or meeting and learning from those in one, I have NO idea how anyone can make a blanket statement that these relationships are doomed, draining, exhausting, unfair or any other negative point/comment. How on earth does one know what works for complete strangers???? And to lump them all into one viewpoint based on ONE personal account? That doesn't seem logical to me, but to each their own.

~OT~ Most generally, people on the outside looking in can't fathom this type of situation. It's personal preference, knowledge of one's own self and it's definitely NOT for everyone. But it works wonderfully for many poly-households. It's one of those things perceived as "destructive" because people don't understand that there are those who are true to their own nature, needs, wants, desires and a slew of other dynamics. AND, it's a mutual decision (by all parties involved.) If one party decides it's not for them, they are certainly free to move on. I don't see where that is any different than any other relationship. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. I'd much rather have my partner come to me and clearly state that he'd like to add another to the mix rather than cheat. I would be free to make my decision at that point. I personally applaud those who are open to such things ~ it wouldn't work for me or my SO. But, I certainly don't begrudge those that try this, or actively live a poly life. JMO
 whatever3321
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 265
Polyamory
Posted: 12/23/2008 7:07:41 PM
I would do it in a heart beat but since alot of women aren't into it then I would just stay single.
 tragicallyfunny
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 281
Polyamory
Posted: 12/28/2008 10:00:30 AM

You know if people would practice being poly ..maybe the divorce rate would decrease


Here are a few random thoughts on polyamory. Conceptually, I find the premise non-threatening. Polyamory in and of itself does not have to be sexual in nature. For all intents and purposes it is loving more than one person. So in a sense, if you look at it from that aspect, many people practice polyamory. Here's where it gets tricky for me. I have many men friends in the truest sense of the word. We hang out, swap lies, drink beer, the things you do with friends. I am also friends with the wives of the married ones. I love each one of them for the unique person they are. Has it ever crossed my mind to have sex with any of them? Of course, I am only human. And yes that includes the married ones (I can hear the appalled gasps from the moral majority now) Would I ever cross that boundary? I don't think so. The potential damage to the friendship would never be worth it. But what if the wife of one of your male friends approached you, let you know that they had decided to have an open marriage, and they picked you because they both love you? If this has never happened to you, be grateful. It feels weird, I now know that they have discussed me in ways I never imagined and now the question will always be in the back of my mind, "Should I have done it?" Technically I was given a get out of jail free card from the wife, right? Wrong. Not for this kid. Because of all this, the relationship I have with her husband is a little strained. We have sat down and talked over things, but there is still awkwardness.
My advice, if you are entertaining this idea at all, do your homework. Make sure you know what you are getting in to and that you can deal with the after math.
 tragicallyfunny
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 283
Polyamory
Posted: 12/28/2008 11:23:06 AM
You may be confusing Polygamy with Polyamory. Polygamy can be associated with a religion, typically Mormonism. Polyamory is more of a mindset from the research I have done.
 Mick4astart
Joined: 8/14/2006
Msg: 293
Polyamory - Year end Observation ....
Posted: 12/30/2008 4:44:36 PM
Post # 1 was from October 16th 2005 - Over 3 years later at year-end 2008, we are now within 5 posts of breaking 300 ......

Maybe there would be enough support for an actual sub forum headed 'Polyamoury' - what do folks think?

On the positive side, those who have a real issue with a L/style that supports openness, honesty, truth & being authentic, would know that if they venture onto that sub section, they are likely going to be swimming in a community that may, at first glance seem alien. Folk who profess monogamy, & then find that a 'fling' was not worth mentioning to one's partner, tend to be considered a little lacking in education & sensitivity in poly-dom.

Also on the positive side, those of use who have done some homework & research & are subsequently comfortable being out there as 'poly-sensitive or poly-supportive, even just poly-knowledgeable, or .... (wow) poly-active & actually polyamorous!' would have a feeling of maybe some 'comfort' and security knowing that the majority (hopefully!) on the sub forum are genuinely interested in learning & being at least constructively critical, if critical they have to be, of what certainly appears to be a growing sub culture of alternative life styles.

Last couple of comments ...... Hopefully, "m_church" will be his usual open-minded & supportive self - m_c, we really need your backing here! ....

And, PLEASE before the MM hoards hit the "delete" button on masse, let it sit here long enough for the Editors to at least given it some serious consideration.

That's all folks ....

M.
 ernstt
Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 296
Polyamory
Posted: 1/19/2009 2:22:40 PM
I think polyamory is the way of the future. It is multiple, long term love relationships. It takes a lot of social sophistication, and it takes a lot of emotional maturity. It is the healthiest type of relationship possible.
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