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Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 305
PolyamoryPage 4 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
Part of any given society is the societal morays that have to do with relationships. The only place I've ever heard of Polyamory "working" is when it's part of the cultural norm. There are some tribes in China that practice it that I have heard of. In a common Western society, say in the US, it would probably be an impossible thing to maintain outside some kind of closed commune type environment where it is considered the norm.

A lot of ideas don't work in isolation. Just because something works someplace in the world, doesn't mean it will work in downtown Boise. Well, that's what I think anyway.......
Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 306
Posted: 1/26/2009 12:05:09 AM
Hi Ms Ali please check out my profile and message me. It seems like polyamory is not popular. Me and fiancee are poly.
Joined: 2/24/2009
Msg: 307
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Posted: 3/2/2009 2:08:12 PM
well I'm happy to find a place where I'm not alone and very surprised to see so many people learning what polyamory is and seeing so much tollerance even though they express that it is not for them. YAY POFers! It seems that there are a lot of couples out there looking for a third, but where are the singles looking for a couple? any tips on how to approach a woman with this...or any women open to the idea? My hubby and I have had two women involved with us, but it was temporary. We all knew that she would go her own way sooner than later.
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 308
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Posted: 3/2/2009 3:33:59 PM
While this is not something I could personally do, in a committed relationship; I can understand, and appreciate that people vary considerably in what they can tolerate, and what may actually help them thrive. I've only known one "couple?", "group?" (two females and a male) who were steady over time. The three of them were together many years; and they seemed to get along very well. They went out together, went to social functions together, etc. etc.

As far as this relating to "open relationships" where there are multiple partners, and they change frequently, I'm sure it may be a good idea for some, and an emotional/psychological disaster for others.

I think anyone looking for reliable information on this would be better served to go to "lifestyle" websites; and try to meet, and talk to couples who have been involved in this type lifestyle for many years. Even with this approach you will miss all of the people/couples who tried it, and found it to be a bad idea; and there's no way to tell what percentage that is.

Each to his own. Outside of a committed relationship the dynamics change completely; and I don't have an opinion. However, for me personally, within a committed relationship, this type of arrangement would not be tolerable.
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 311
Posted: 3/28/2009 10:41:54 AM
Monogamists I have some very bad news for you. Polyamory in one form or another is practiced by 80% of the worlds societies ( Ballantine, Jeanne H., Roberts, Keith A.. Our Social World: Introduction to Sociology Second Edition, Pine Forge Press). And you will find that little tid bit of information in just about any Sociology 101 text. And if my math is correct that puts monogamous societies in the minority.

Granted its not for everyone but facts are facts and as a person currently majoring in Social Science it is a fact I can not overlook and eventually as a counselor a group of people I will be more then happy to provide services to.
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 315
Posted: 3/30/2009 1:42:00 PM

The point you missed is that while it may be practised by 80% of the world's societies, it's not practiced by the majority in those societies...
Murder is practised in one form or another of 100% of socieities
Rape and Incest is practised in one form or another in most socieities...

Notice, none of these are practised by the majority in those societies...

Your splitting hairs my friend and your missing my entire point which is not how many in a given society practice polyamory but that it is ACCEPTABLE in 80% of the worlds societies and in some it is very much the norm.
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 316
Posted: 3/30/2009 1:51:00 PM
Howie, that's great. There is a need for counselors who understand and don't judge when it comes to poly relationships.

Its not just poly practitioners but sexual minorities, such as fetishists, BDSM practitioners, swingers so on and so forth are in need of counselors that are willing to help them.
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 319
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Posted: 3/30/2009 2:22:29 PM
Acceptable in those societies means that it's legal - whereas murder is not.

I also think that polygamy is the prevalent mode of polyamory - polyandry is far[i/]less common than polygyny.

A little more information:

"Humans are considered to be mildly polygynous and we descend from primates that are polygynous," says Michael Hammer, a population geneticist at the University of Arizona in Tucson.

Polygyny refers to the practice of males mating with multiple females, and its most common form in humans is polygamy or multiple marriages.

And ...

Besides, "most societies practice some form of polygamy", he says. Even if most Western men don't take multiple wives, men tend to father children with more females than females do with males, a practice called "effective polygamy".

Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 320
Posted: 3/30/2009 2:26:59 PM

As for splitting hairs, then you should have said "ACCEPTABLE"...
And to be honest, I don't think it is... I'd like to see the actual article stating it is acceptable... if it's just acceptable because people in those societies do it, well, then murder would also be acceptable...
So, if you wouldn't mind pointing us to proof... I'd appreciate it....

Not sure if you'll be able to read this but it is an article I found on ProQuest that points out why it was the norm amongst Northwest coastal tribes.
Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 322
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Posted: 3/30/2009 2:55:17 PM
I am incapable of sharing my heart with more than one woman nor would I stay in a relationship where my woman was capable of giving her heart out to another. This is the way it should be. Nuff said....
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 329
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Posted: 4/2/2009 11:02:38 AM
The concept of loving more than one person at a time isn't NEW. It's just not acceptable in this day and age. Look at how many people are married with someone on the side. Why NOT put aside jealousy (which is merely insecurity) and be OPEN with each other. Yes, it can work, but with any relationship, it takes great effort.
If you think of two women and one man in a relationship, the female would have someone to share daily chores with and companionship, it cuts the chores in half. Same with SEX. If a woman doesn't want it, the man can still have the other woman. Flip it and think of a woman with TWO men...Twice the stability, twice the security. Not to mention the variety! And he has someone to watch sports with!
Another benefit is that if two of the three are working, there's always someone at home to deal with domestic situations (child sick from school, home cooked meals ready when you get home, grocery shopping already done, house cleaned, yada yada yada). In a normal 2 person relationship, there's NEVER enough time to get everything done with both working, or some resentment from either partner over who does the most chores/work.
It's a WIN/WIN situation! But, n0t for everyone.
It's just not acceptable or the NORM at this time.
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 331
Posted: 7/31/2009 7:50:55 AM

I too have noticed a pattern, when people don't like what I say, but they don't have a logical counter, they resort to insults....
Notice, I rarely insult anyone... have a nice day...

good thing about this country, everyone has the right to BELIEVE what they wanna believe.
also, who could u discuss issues with if everyone agrees with u. singing to the choir gets boring real fast.

while i dont agree with any of Mr Church's comments on Poly lifestyles, i will defend his rights to believe and express them.

Like anything, nothing is for everybody. some people can control their darker emotions, anger, jealousy, distrust, dishonesty. and for those people, a poly lifestyle wouldnt work. Just like in the Poly community, some people limit their number of partners and others dont. everything changes once you add the human element. And not all humans are made alike. We all have various historical baggage we bring in to the mix when affects how we judge others lifestyle choices.

Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 332
Posted: 7/31/2009 8:00:37 AM

Look at how many people are married with someone on the side. Why NOT put aside jealousy (which is merely insecurity) and be OPEN with each other. Yes, it can work, but with any relationship, it takes great effort.

exactly... for people who have monogamous relations, with no cheating or reasons to cheat, then mono lifestyle works for them and more power to them. but then there are many many mono relationships where you have one person or the other having a relationship outside of the marriage. Now for arguments sake lets ignore those people who do it JUST for the sex, and these affairs arent steady. for the rest, basically theyre having 2 relationships, where if they were open and honest might turn into less stressful poly relationships. (not all, because a lot of spouses wouldnt be able to get past their own anger at being lied to or jealousy). i wonder how many marriages, relationships could of been saved if in the beginning people talked, discussed, listened with honest and trust about their love for another, and how it didnt change the original love felt.
Jealousy comes out of distrust (feeling insecure in your current relationship), fear of being left behind, and not being loved. If all of that can be worked out, peacefully, honestly, with openess and trust...

my 2cents.
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 334
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Posted: 7/31/2009 8:37:37 AM
There was an interesting article on polyamory in Newsweek recently:

I don't see anything wrong with it, but like most things, it isn't for everyone, and like most kinds of relationships, some people do it better than others, and some even make a mess of it.
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 342
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:59:52 AM
Great book! I also think James Park's Authentic Relationships is one of the best I have ever read about polyamorous relationships.
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 343
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:13:25 AM
In truth, every relationship we have is a sexual relationship as we are sexual beings. Perhaps, if we start with an examination of what it means to love? Love is something that as humans we are expected to KNOW. Just as we are expected to KNOW about sex. Both journeys to awareness and understanding begin within.

Jealousy is a very hard concept for me to get my head around especially how it has been expressed here. If I love someone, do I not want what is best for that person even if it does mean to not be with me? I would not dream of ever holding such a fallacy as believing that I possess another. I know I am no one's possession.
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 345
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:32:05 PM
Your use of the word "sharing" caught me. Is this in the same connotation one would use of a possession?

And if "sharing" a girlfriend/wife with other men in what I assume is a sexual sense is out of the question, what else is forbidden for this fortunate woman?
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 352
Posted: 8/25/2009 4:07:30 AM
Bravo miss_contemplative!

I like the way your mind works . . . I do take issue with poly couples who come as a package deal due to their concept of "primary" partners. Again, just seeems too close to the whole jealousy, possessiveness mindset.
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 364
Posted: 8/25/2009 4:12:48 PM
I saw a clip on Real Sex about Polyamory : It looked to me like the people protrayed on the program seemed to be cerebral hippies searching for the meaning of life . It also looked like just a way for swingers to swing with a extra live in . While I am sure that is not the only reason for people actually intrested in Polyamory , I have a hard time grasping the concept. I have enought trouble having a relationship with one person let alone adding another person . It sounds to me like people are just using it as an excuse to screw around . I dont condem someone for being into Polyamory, just not what I am looking for .
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 365
Posted: 8/25/2009 4:33:06 PM

You're making assumptions about traditional roles based on your own perspective, which cleary isn't applicable to everyone.

I believe in traditional roles between a man and woman, thus I'd never share a woman with anyone else.

It's not "ownership" in the sense of a master/slave relationship, but there are clearly boundaries and roles inherent for each.

Also, I'm a natural dominant, so the thought of me sharing a woman with anyone is out of the question.

As I said before, I look down on men who would share their women. They are Omegas and it shows. Masculine men don't share and women who are committed to them don't want other men anyway. That's how it works.

Wow, for such a seemingly open-minded individual this certainly is judgmental. As a former "lifestyler" I can assure you ~ truly Dominant men who share have full consent of their submissive(s.) If there is an impasse on the topic of sharing, it's most common that someone will be vacating said D/s situation rather than forcing one's own preferences on the other party. I can respect that you aren't into sharing and I was definitely hetero-monogamous when I choose a D/s relationship (and so was he.) That doesn't mean those who opt for another route aren't truly Doms/Dommes or alternate bottom half, it means different things work for different people.

~OT~ I wouldn't do well in a poly-situation myself, but I think that there are those who find that fulfilling and personal preferences should dictate how one lives their own private life. I would rather "him" tell me in the very beginning that he might or does desire others. At least with the preface I can make an educated decision for my own self. JMO
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 367
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Posted: 8/25/2009 6:22:09 PM

I don't follow a "scene".

Never have.

Half of those people are not true Doms or subs in any sense of the word.

People like to act, like to be spectacles and draw attention to themselves but honestly, I can look at them and see them for what they are.

I'm a "natural" dominant.

Props and toys unncessary, binds not required.

My definition of what a dominant entails is very basic, devoid of semantics.

It has nothing to do with being secure, but everything to do with the D/S relationship.

Sharing the flesh is simply a no-no. I don't know any Alpha males who share their women.

I don't either.

Rather, I have found that so-called Doms who share aren't Doms at all, but merely fetishists and actors who revel in scenes, but behind closed doors are not dominant at all.

It's a joke, honestly.

I point it out when I see it......

Most of those men are not strong enough to pick up a woman, much less dominate her.

Try explaining that away.

You can call yourself whatever you want........until you meet up with the real thing and it changes your perspective.

You're a female, so I don't expect you to understand it from my perspective.

Leather doesn't make a Dominant.......Strength does..

you say you dont follow a scene yet you use the terminology and you buy into all the same crap that made me distance myself from the BDSM community. all the stupid rules and all the ceremony and that rigidness.

a true Dom lives by his own rules not anyone else's . he doesnt just fall in line and conform to a set of standardized rules of conduct. that appears to be what you have done so how can you truly be a Dom when you are a slave to your own predisposed limitations.

i have no limitations. i set my own rules. if i choose to "share" as you put it thats because in my world i am the master and am not worried that anyone will take anything from me. if someone has that ability then i dont deserve keep a "slave" as you call them.

the whole thing about polyamory is that its not for those who are prone to jealousy, or insecurity because it will eat you up. its for people who arent worried about wether the person they're "sharing" is meeting someone else's needs but wether your own personal needs are being met.

in other words. its for people who blaze their own trail and strong from within.

Division you're just another guy falling in step with the crowd. albeit a more exclcusive crowd.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 368
Posted: 8/25/2009 7:42:35 PM

That doesn't make them wrong, it makes them different.

The more I read of this lady's posts, the more convinced I am that she should hold some national office. Everything she says seems to make solid sense.
Hey, Nam, you're only 30, photogenic, and eminently reasonable.
Might be sticky running in NC, which seems to have as many socially, and certainly sexually, conservative thinkers resident as most of PA. lol Well, I'd vote for ya, dammit.
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 391
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Posted: 1/12/2010 2:16:29 AM
Nappykat... her name is Namrael not Namreal. I think if you are going to quote a source, you are obligated to spell that sources name properly. Picky?? Hell yeah.
On topic... just because I have to... I have no idea how polyamory might feel for those who want it simply because I know it wouldn't work for me. Not because I'm jealous (which some contributors wear like a badge of honour) but because I truly cannot imagine loving 2 adult males equally. I make no apology for that, nor do I think those who CAN do so need to explain themselves. If the OP is interested or already into polyamory then she can explore that side of her sexual/loving persona however she wants to.
Is live and let live a foreign concept today???
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 393
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Posted: 1/12/2010 5:13:07 AM
I understand the concept of polyamory, being able to love several people but in unique ways. I've loved different people over the years some more intensely than others, but I'm still drawn more to a monogamous relationship. To me relationships require work, communication and dedication to another person besides ourselves, having multple partners would feel like I was depriving that one special person of my full attention, but thats just me. It would take a strong person to be with a couple and risk that you are not loved as intensely as the other, you really couldn't be insecure. What other people do is there business, I am curious, it sounds like from these posts that many of these relationships are one man and 2 or more women, seems limiting. Do you see many single females with more than one man in polyamory?
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