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 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 82
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Msg 88: Shalom back to you (got a wee bit o' Jew in me too)

Msg 89: Second class mentality or what I refer to as a sense of entitlement isn't limited to those with disabilities. And, I would elaborate further to clarify something about persons with disabilities. How they perceive themselves is impacted by several factors (and I am not referring to the obvious responsibility for one's own attitude) including but not limited to how long they have been disabled, what kind of support systems and rehab were in place at the time of disability and their adjustment to the respective disability.

Frankly, until someone has personally experienced an extended period of disability, one cannot appreciate fully how the things that non-disabled persons take for granted are not taken for granted respectively. Case in point. When I had my car wreck many years ago, for the first time since infancy I was totally dependent on another human being for my personal needs. Thankfully, that period wasn't permanent - but it could have been, not to mention should have been given the seriousness of the accident. However, the simple act of even dressing myself is something I will never again take for granted. Just as when I spent two months in a wheelchair - geesh! To even open a door was a challenge at work (wheels didn't come with instructions). I actually take nothing for granted anymore.

I recognize that there are those who don't progress beyond anger, frustration and all the things that can impact negatively on attitude. However, there are many more disabled persons with awesome attitudes that accomplish amazing things in spite of their disabilities. When someone makes a subjective judgment that they don't want to meet or date someone who is disabled just because they are disabled, they in effect cheat themselves (on the presumption of course that the attitude of the disabled person is in a good place). Just my opinion.
 Meals_On_Wheels
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 89
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 8/21/2007 3:53:19 PM
who cares if a person has a disability
 Meals_On_Wheels
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 90
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 8/21/2007 3:54:15 PM
it's only a disability if you let it become one..!
 deb457
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 93
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:30:27 PM
Chris, It sounds to me that you hate yourself for being disable. Well I used to feel that way years ego. But I have accpeted my handicap and this is the way God wanted me. And I am happy that I'm alive. But i do think sometimes that no guy wants to waste his life with a disable woman. But i know that isn't true it's because he hasn't came along yet.
BTW I'm disable with Cerebral Palsy.

God blesss,
Deb
 A Moment in Time
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 94
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:49:45 PM
I have a disability which prevents me from working - short term memory problems and when I meet someone they ask me where I work, should I explain my situation or not. I receive cpp disability, it is not welfare and before I was hit by a drunk driver and spent 2 1/2 months in hospital, i held down 2 jobs.

Do i lie and say i do work or do i tell the truth and their reaction is not of understanding. i am not dependant on anyone financially and receive more money than most people i know who work. i have 3 kids so it's like i have a job, 3 of them.

What is your advice?

Kimberly
 deb457
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 95
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 8/23/2007 1:39:03 PM
Hello Kimberly,

You asking me? If so. I would tell them the true. But not how much you get. That they don't need to know. Just tell them you dno't work why you can't work.

God bless,
Deb
 Westlin
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 97
view profile
History
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 8/31/2007 5:08:51 PM
I totally agree with Marylou5555. I had been dating a man with a disability for the last few months. He has MS and there are some things it affects, but overall he is (or was) a sweet man. However, once a month his personality changes completely and he becomes very angry and petulant and begins to say all sorts of mean things (to me and others). At first I thought it was just the depression that can sometimes be a part of MS, but found out later it is that he is addicted to one of the medications, takes too much of it, then runs out about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks before the months end--the personality change is apparently due to the withdrawal until he gets his next "fix." This has become too much--I am not willing to be his abuse target when he is coming off the drug (Klonapin). I like the man he is at other times--there are disadvantages that I have to face, things he can't do that I wish he could, but ......... once the abuse becomes part of the picture, it's too much. If we were long-time partners, I would probably try to make it through--but 3 mos--probably not long enough to stay thourhg the abusive behavior that has apparently become part of his disability. Sad.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 98
view profile
History
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/10/2007 8:44:27 AM
I've had a couple guys question how I was able to be retired at 54, and when I tell them that I'm permanently "disabled" due to back surgery, they act like I must be some kind of sideshow freak! LOL! I think it's funny. I'm "disabled" ONLY in the fact that I cannot do the heavy construction work that I did my entire life. Some days, if I have to walk a long distance I do use a cane. BUT, when I say a "long distance".....I mean 3 or 4 miles! I know LOTS of people younger than me who are NOT disabled who wouldn't dream of walking that far! I use my cane when I go to Cedar Point to ride rollercoasters and have concluded that next time I go, I'm going to HAVE to rent a scooter to ride around on because the walking gets to be too much for me. BUT, I know people 20 yrs younger than me who think the walking is too much for them! I can't lift an 80# bag of quickrete anymore, but can still lift a 40# one. I can't lift 50 of them a day anymore, but I can still lift 10 a day. Guess what??? I know people my age who are NOT "disabled" and can't lift ONE!!!!

My mother, age 74 has had polio since she was 3 yrs old. She is "Disabled"....and I certainly wish someone would get that through her head because she's killing me and my dad!!! LOL! When we go places I've started renting a wheelchair for her and when she says...."I can walk" I tell her to SIT DOWN and be quite because me and my Dad are getting OLD and falling apart....and WE can't offer her the assistance she NEEDS anymore!!! It's great that she has always refused to see herself as "disabled" but I wish she'd realize that IF something happened and she needed our help, we're just not sure that we could give it! I ACCEPT my "disability" in regard to the fact that when I go on an outting with my family, that I can't keep up with them anymore and so that I won't have to slow them down and have them worring about if I'm in too much pain to continue walking, I swallow the damn pride and get my butt on a cart!!! Last year I had to give up on trying to start a lawn mower, I simply can't pull the rope hard enough to start one; so I bought an old reel type mower. This year, I've realized that I really don't NEED to be out there pushing a lawn mower, so....even with my tiny little yard, I'm buying a riding one. Anyone got a problem with that? TOUGH! The 25 yr old couple that live behind me only manage to scrape up the energy to mow their yard about twice a summer...and they're NOT "disabled".
 catman40
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 99
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/10/2007 8:56:14 AM
I have epilespy . it causes seiuzures . I do karoake shows . One nihgt a guy asked a woman who I know has seizures 2 per week . he asked this of her " can you have a seizure while we are have ing sex ? " of all teh rude things to say . this guy must have "thaught " just because she has seizures she is good in bed ? I don't ask those things . it's rude . BUT , to see a person have a seizure who you love is scary . We are capable of having a loving relationship .
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 103
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:02:46 PM
stages of accepting death, you know, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, etc. (Actually, those stages probably also fit the acceptance of the end of a romantic relationship, now that I think of it.)

Hmmm. So perhaps if I don't go through the stages of accepting death I can live forever? Some news is just too good to be true. Only problem is if your dead and you accept it, kind of hard to live. Blown out of the water at stage one. Alas, I think I prefer denial to death. Now if I could only get my doctor to agree.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 105
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:29:51 PM

Wise guy! You surely know I'm referring to that classic text by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross,


I know all too well. Personally I prefer Dylan Thomas to Kubler-Ross. The former glorified those stages, while the latter seemed to want to help them work their way through them and peacefully accept the end stage. When we accept death, we die. I prefer Thomas "Rage Rage against the dying of the light" at least when its done with a symblance of humor.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 106
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:39:10 PM
Likelihood is that without your disability or ailment you wouldn't be on a dating site, so why are they??!!

Unless any quality short of perfection is considered a disability, I don't think the above statement is true. Most of us are here for the second or third round. For some that may be because of a disability and for others it may be in spite of it. Unless failure to survive in a marriage is itself a disability than we are here for the same reasons that everyone else uses on line dating--because it is the social networking technology of preference in a society that has otherwise isolated us from the older traditional socializing networks. Our disabilities are incidental to that.
 ozziefan
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 107
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/14/2007 2:22:09 AM
I know it can work. The best BJs I ever got-and the best long term friendship-came from a physically disabled girl I met in college. I never looked at her as disabled, and I treated her as I treated everyone else. She appreciated it, and showed her appreciation. Of course some disabilities are more problematic than others. If your mate weighs 500 pounds, there will be few positions you can safely/comfortably try. If one of you is epileptic, and drugs aren't much help, that can present problems. A lover missing a leg is not so problematic, but one with MS, MD, or such, can be. It a matter of individual situations, and tastes. Open minds often lead to open legs.
 ozziefan
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 108
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/14/2007 2:26:11 AM
Cp is one of those things few people are very familiar with, and those who are familiar feel uncomfortable around. Also, if it worstens over time, few people can stand to watch a loved one suffer...so they shun the handicapped from the start, and so avoid the pain that falling in love with a sufferer can bring. They are protecting themselves, not trying to hurt you. The internet is probably your best hope for finding someone somewhere who is familiar enough with the disability, and brave enough to deal with it.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 111
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:31:08 AM
Off Topic (Sort of)
Unfortunately Thomas didn't follow his own advice and took to self medicating his apparent depression. Sometimes its harder to follow advice, even your own, than it is to give it. That said, thus far, I as the older "father figure" now, find his advice sound. Like Thomas needed a father, so does my child. Her mother hasn't been there for her, so I'm what she has. Just hope I can be around till she no longer needs me. (Whether she will no longer wants me is another thread that belongs in the parenting section)
 deb457
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 112
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/14/2007 3:15:24 PM

Cp is one of those things few people are very familiar with, and those who are familiar feel uncomfortable around. Also, if it worstens over time, few people can stand to watch a loved one suffer...so they shun the handicapped from the start, and so avoid the pain that falling in love with a sufferer can bring. They are protecting themselves, not trying to hurt you. The internet is probably your best hope for finding someone somewhere who is familiar enough with the disability, and brave enough to deal with it.


I agree with you. Cause I have CP.

God bless,
Deb
 wisdomandlove
Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 113
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/14/2007 9:30:35 PM
There are many types of disabilites a person can have, when people choose to judge others after learning that person is either disabled temporary or permantly they are someone who isnt worth anyones time. They are never willing to accept life for what it is. Some people can not choose to say yes I will want this to happen or no I dont want this. They have to deal with the way life is given. People can either respect what is or walk the other way.
 deb457
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 122
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:56:46 PM

you know there are people out there that have disabilites, and they are human beings
and people that dont have heart and cant look past something like that are ungrateful
selfish people and maybe should go to church and ask god forgivness.. nothing pisses me off more when someone thinks they are better than other people. That proves that a snobish person like that will be alone for the rest of his or her lives... I mean really
what gives someone the right to jugde another person.... we are all gods children and he made us all DIFFERENT!!!! no one here is perfect!!!


I totally agree with you. We are God's childrens and God made us all different. Cause I was born with CP .

God bless,
Deb
 tofuwink
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 124
view profile
History
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 11/17/2010 11:06:02 PM
I have mild cerebral Palsy and I talk about it openly in my profile. Although, I know some people with disabilities think that any difference or mention of a disability sends people "running for the hills" that has not been my experience. I am not saying that I haven't experienced rejection due to my disability, but the reality of getting rejected because of my disability isn't as prevalent as I once thought it was. For example, I have found that, in the past, it was often ME who rejected my body before I gave my partner or romantic interest a chance to reject me. I projected my feelings of insecurity onto them. I have sabotaged more than one potential relationship because of my own insecurity about my disability. Today, I realize life is short and I am much more than a walk. I am honest about my disability (I walk differently anyway, so I can't hide it) and I do not apologize for it. It's my body, it is human diversity, nothing more, nothing less. I find that how people react to my walk is directly related to how I portray myself and how I react to my walk. Now, there will always be ***holes who will dismiss me no matter what I do, but I think they can be in the minority in my life.
I think in order to get dates or become intimate with a person, one has to first believe that they are sexy and date-able. For example, ( not to sound conceited) I think I'm hot. I go to the gym, I work out, I take care of my body, I wear clothes that show off my curves and make me feel hot, I am also kind, compassionate and intelligent and funny... and I have Cerebral Palsy, I walk with a limp. I can't give the people who view my disability in a negative light the power to erase the other positive aspects of my body and identity. Sometimes, this can be a daily struggle... but like everything else, self - acceptance and confidence sometimes has to be practiced in order for it to be believed. So when I do feel bad about my CP, I remind myself that I only have one life and one body; I am powerless over how other people react to me; and there is a hell of a lot of people in the world - and who I am to assume that they will reject me? Who am I to think for them?
I hope that regardless of how many dates any one has gotten since you first started this thread, that you all feel beautiful, sexual, and worthy.
Peace.
 dora62
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 125
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 12/10/2011 1:44:17 PM
Shawn,

I have a 22 year son who is severely disabled and uses a wheelchair.

I sure do empathize with you...wheelchairs chase people away

My son is the disabled one, but I can't get a date!!!!
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 126
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:43:53 PM
There are a LOT of things ppl should not DECLARE when they are meeting people (unless it's obvious, like a wheelchair or crutches).....in general you should find commonality with someone - get a chance to meet them BEFORE a judgement of any kind is passed..if they declare they are disabled and the other person does accept them - great if they don't accept - it's best - you don't want to be with someone who will look or feel bad about you..you don't want someone who will pity you. It's everyone's perogative if they want to date/marry someone with a disability or not..it will be their life not ours to judge or take care of that person. That what free WILL is about.
 kcladyz
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 127
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:56:01 PM
There is nothing wrong with dating a disabled person depending on the disability. I will not date a man in a wheelchair due to my bad back I can not be on top for sex. Also I do not want to be someones caregiver if their disability is severely debilitating. My experience is they sometimes act needy and I can not tell if the disabled person truly likes me for the right reasons or just does not want to be alone. I dated a man with MS and it was like he was only dating me for the sake of having someone around, if he would date anyone that would pay attention to him. No real love interest in me, just being needy. I think neediness is a turn off
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 130
disability and relationships, you've got to be kidding me!
Posted: 12/10/2011 8:15:32 PM
I've accepted that romantic love is not for me. I guess I am ok with that.I have to be afterall. What's the point in being bitter and kicking and screaming about it?
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