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 AUTHOR
 look in
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 52
Can you forgive a one time cheater?Page 2 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
@YES I can. What is so hard about it?

So can I
 look in
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 53
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 7:25:34 AM
when you weigh out what caused it
when you weigh out do you want to be with or without this person

these things have no answers without all the facts

this is not a repeat offender
 MissMandy
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 55
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 8:02:22 AM
A few pages back I read........ Now, if she "cheats" on me I don't take it personally. no reason to.........


What????? Are you kidding me??????? How can this not be personal???? It's probably the biggest personal issue ever???

Some people never cease to amaze me. Get Real.
 MissMandy
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 56
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 8:13:37 AM
^^ good point. Yes we must forgive for our own healing process to occur, but forgiving the cheater, and taking them back for another chance with you.........NEVER..............
 looking63
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 57
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 8:45:24 AM
I had a relationship when the woman i was seeing cheated on me. As soon as i found ot about the cheating i ended the relationship i could'nt trust her anymore.
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 61
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 12:17:00 PM

agree with the ppl that have said "once a cheater, always a cheater". There's no excuse in the world for someone who cannot be truthful & loyal to you

Do you want to stay with someone like that, even if they never cheat again in their lifetime


Sorry, but that's a contradiction. You're right in that there is no excuse ... there never is. Cheating is wrong, no matter what the circumstances were. But how does that dicate that a cheater is always a cheater?

Generalizing everyone who's ever made that mistake because of the bad ones is unfair, to say the least. There are people who have cheated, recognized that mistake and learned from it.

If you choose to walk away in that situation, good for you. If someone else chooses to forgive and try and get thru it, good for them.

But don't presume to know that NOONE who's made that mistake can learn from their past.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 63
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 7:03:12 PM
There's nothing you and your partner can't do with one another, that another person can provide. Communication & honesty is the key, followed by open minds & making things interesting. Why would anyone want to seek others if they are in an open & loving relationship? That's the question you should be asking! (Msg 112)


I feel one reason is because people have different sex drives.

Picture the scenario. Two lonely people meet. Over the days and weeks they find out they have all sorts of things in common. It's Heaven! They grow closer and closer together, all the while postponing sex. They want to be sure it's the "real thing".

Finally, the big night comes and they're intimate. Unless one partner is "dead" the sex is going to be fantastic, mostly due to the anticipation. I think it's extremely rare for two people who have waited and found out they have so much in common to not enjoy the experience.

Then another potential situation arises which we hear about. "All the guy wants to do is have sex." So, while the sex is super one has to limit or control themselvs in order not to make it appear they are in the relationship for sex only.

Time passes, they grow closer together and, lo and behold, they find out they have different sex drives. Do they throw away a relationship that is "perfect" in all other regards? Does one simply deny themselves sexual fulfillment? Can one voluntarily deny themselves sexual fulfillment? Does seeking sexual fulfillment outside the relationship mean they do not love their partner? Can one profess their love for another and mean it and still have had an affair?
 Hockeygirl777
Joined: 7/25/2005
Msg: 66
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/20/2005 8:26:44 PM
Once a cheater always a cheater, the relationship didn't survive and it never will because the trust is gone, and will never come back.
 look in
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 69
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 6:36:24 AM
@bike man

I am in agreement with you 100% on this

Having a situation where someone cheats can be devastating but hey,

SHIT HAPPENS

How can you love someone so much and just because a mistake is made, say done.
 look in
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 72
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 12:12:23 PM
@boxcubed

"not love you enough to not betray your trust and break your heart"
oh my, I wish my children would learn this

"accidental prolonged intercourse,"
interesting combination of words, like saying I tripped and kept on falling


"you need to grow up"
everyone makes mistakes I think you did too
 HB2
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 77
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 2:08:00 PM
forgive the act (it's a choice of the mind) but put him out of my life forever
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 79
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 3:13:51 PM

If you're in love with someone and they cheat on you, your initial response is going to be that you want them and you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep them. However, once a cheater always a cheater.


No, quite the opposite in fact. The first response is "I want this person as far away from me as humanly possible". It took every ounce of control I had to not throw him out. But, knowing that people CAN'T be generalized, and knowing the circumstances, I didn't.

Once again ... to say "once a cheater, always a cheater" is to generalize every single person who's ever been in that situation. No, there is never an excuse for cheating. No, cheating is not a mistake, its a choice that person makes. However the circumstances that got that person there sometimes have to be considered.

Regardless of what you may believe, there ARE people who have cheated once and learned from it, and have not done it again.
 look in
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 81
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 5:15:25 PM
I suppose under the thread list your worst trait I should have listed mine as

Compassion

But, I always thought that was a good trait
And here we have a thread where people criticize those that are willing to forgive others unconditionally for love
I hope to never become so jaded that I cannot look at things where I cannot forgive someone that would ask me to
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 83
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 6:08:21 PM

And here we have a thread where people criticize those that are willing to forgive others unconditionally for love
I hope to never become so jaded that I cannot look at things where I cannot forgive someone that would ask me to (Msg 141)


Three cheers, Look In.

There are two things I wonder about. I wonder if all the people who say "once a cheater, always a cheater" actually had a personal experience with it. I also wonder if those that do say "once a cheater......" would end a relationship if it happened to them.

I suppose if they did I'd wonder just how much the relationship meant to them.

Well, that's enough wondering for one day.
 MissMandy
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 86
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/21/2005 8:01:40 PM
Hey "boxcubed"

U got it goin on!! Well said my friend, and coming from a male?...there is HOPE!!!
 Tinkle
Joined: 11/2/2005
Msg: 88
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 6:05:40 AM
Hasn't happen to me. Who would cheat on this cute face? Anyway, has happened with many many friends. Some would go out and cheat on the cheaty and feel they got even. But in one case it kept going on, and all the cheaters lived in one apartment. Things didn't end to well.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 89
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 6:12:51 AM

If someone cheats on you then the realtionship doesn't mean anything to them. (Msg 145)


If the relationship didn't mean anything to them then they would leave. If the cheater wants to stay in the relationship then the relationship must mean something to them.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 94
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 12:26:46 PM
Good examples, Dimples.

Unless we hook up with a virgin we all know our partner has been with someone else, at some time. I don't condone affairs but I feel they have to be put into perspective. As QueenBee says, "I believe that it is all a mind frame."

Society seems all too eager to say the person doesn't love their partner or they feel their partner is inadequate sexually but that is not necessarily the case. People advocate running out and getting a divorce but it is not them doing the advocating who is divorcing. People who are angry and hurt due to an affair are going to be a lot more angry and hurt as the divorce proceeds. They end up hurting themselves while trying to hurt their partner. Counselling is the route wise people take.
 HB2
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 97
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 2:11:40 PM
Not always a matter of joining the bandwagon...
I learned it the hard way...
I do realize that not everyone is the same but I just cannot risk it anymore that way...
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 104
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 3:23:54 PM

When ones profile clearly states looking for friends, and or interested in the forums, Does anyone feel that Internet dating sites is another form of cheating/emotional/fantasizing? (Msg 168)


I don't. Rather than whine and complain about my partner working long hours due to meetings she attends, which could lead to her having guilt feelings and interfering in her job performance, I seek out friends on here.

I encourage my partner to be the best she can be. I want to be an asset to her and not a millstone around her neck. I'm not totally selfless, though. I must confess, at times, I live my life vicariously as she devours the occasional lawyer and politician on her way to the top of the food chain.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 105
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 5:58:14 PM
^^^

I suppose if someone spends all day here that is another thing. I was referring to chatting with members with the purpose of meeting them.

By some of the comments from members regarding my wanting to meet someone I'd be afraid to suggest it to the wrong person, face to face.

"I'm in a relationship and I'd like to have coffee with you." It seems some folks would flip out at the suggestion.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 111
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/3/2005 8:25:18 AM
I agree with OTB

Even the insurance industry gives you one free pass ...
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 115
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/3/2005 11:13:58 AM

(Msg 186) Probably the reason so many marriages fail. We all have too much pride.......Are your friends telling you to dump the person?


From what I've read your own insights are the best advice I've seen here! Many times friends will tell people to dump their partner. It is more their rage at affairs than their concern for you. Where are they when you end up alone?

Another thing to consider is some folks, after their partner had an affair, end up very bitter. Unfortunately, their bitterness is not the result of the affair but from the choices they made after their partner had an affair. Their pride caused them more hurt, in the long run, than any affair.

For example, we may have a supervisor who dumps on us when a mistake wasn't our fault. Rather than see the big picture our pride takes over and we quit. Take this job and shove it attitude. Of course, as the bills pile up and our life becomes miserable we blame the boss. The point is we did it to ourselves. The boss didn't fire us.

I think you are able to see the tone behind many of the posts. If leaving was the right thing to do, the only solution, we wouldn't see such bitterness. The fact is one's living conditions almost always deteriorate after a divorce. Sure, they may come out on top, years later, but it's the years of struggle after a divorce that causes the bitterness. Their inability or unwillingness to forgive causes real, concrete unhappiness/problems/struggles.

You'll hear how they refused to accept an affair. You'll hear about how they bravely tossed their partner to the curb. You'll hear about how they couldn't live with the uncertainty but you'll never hear about the nights they lied awake worried and scared and lonely trying to deal with everything on their own.

This old man thinks you're an intelligent gal, Dimples.
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