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 viceguy1
Joined: 9/8/2005
Msg: 118
Can you forgive a one time cheater?Page 3 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Oh yes..absolutely..........then dump their sorry ass...
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 122
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/4/2005 9:22:27 AM

(Msg 194) ARGUMENT OR NO ARGUMENT if u truly love someone there is no need to look for ANYTHING from ANYONE!!!!


Let's say your partner decided you can only go shopping with him. You can never go with your girlfriend or mother of friend from work, no one else. You have to go with him and only him and he decides how often you both will go.

Two questions:
1. Would going shopping become a major issue or would you simply accept it?
2. What's more important, sex or going shopping? (That's probably a silly question to ask a lady but I'm taking a chance.)
 Cante_Skuya
Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 128
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/15/2005 7:18:06 AM
I'm struggling with the very question myself. A few years back I lived with a guy who cheated on me. He ended up dumping me for a woman that he met on the internet. Well now that marriage is over and he's wooing me again. While I have forgiven him for what he did, I can never forget.

Now can we get back together? Well it has been 5 years since we split, I know he's genuinely sorry for what he did. I've also accepted my culpability in the whole situation, but......and this is a huge BUT, I don't know if I can trust him and without trust there can be no love, so I'm really not sure about the getting back together part. I think it's enough that we can be friends without me wanting to rip delicate parts of his body off and stapling them to his ankles.

I know another friend of mine who actually did go back to his wife after she cheated on him and then lied about it. I'm still not sure how that can work, but then my friend has esteem issues as well to deal with so I figure he probably figures he deserves it. Now that one I can't figure out for the life of me.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 130
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/15/2005 8:01:13 AM

(Msg 204) I know another friend of mine who actually did go back to his wife after she cheated on him and then lied about it. I'm still not sure how that can work, but then my friend has esteem issues as well to deal with so I figure he probably figures he deserves it. Now that one I can't figure out for the life of me.


It's probably called "love". Maybe he was ignoring her sexual needs. It's so strange when I hear some folks say a relationship isn't about sex, sex isn't the most important thing, a relationship isn't built on sex....they downplay sex until their partner has an affair and then sex becomes real important.

Maybe your friend really does believe sex isn't all that important and that's why he's back with his wife. If he really loves her and believes there is much more to a relationship than sex, as many others proclaim, then it makes sense what he is doing.

I think many people confuse ego with self-esteem. Maybe your friend is one who truly believes companionship and similar likes and dislikes and compatibility are more important than sex. If so, it's nice to see someone "walking the walk" and not just "talking the talk".
 Cante_Skuya
Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 131
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/15/2005 8:06:34 AM
There's a little more to it than that. When she lied to him she made it sound like the affair was still going on. The reality was that it was very brief and ended years before, to make matters worse it was with a close family member. To me, the issue was not the fact that she cheated, but rather the other lies that were only intended to hurt.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 132
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/15/2005 8:27:11 AM
^^^^^

Ahhhhhhhhh. Sounds like she wanted him to leave.
 scottymac
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 138
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/20/2005 1:27:13 PM
WEEEE! The answer to this one is plain as the nose on your face!

You're a victim the first time you get cheated on....

You're a volunteer the second go 'round!

Cheaters don't get a second chance to burn me... once bitten, twice shy, buhbye!







Now this is your brain... this is your brain on drugs....
 kitsguy4u
Joined: 11/19/2005
Msg: 139
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/22/2005 2:41:42 AM
No, Never. I have tried but it is a mistake. If the person cheats then they have ended the relationship. In this day and age we have to worry about stds and things. If someone cheats it isnt just for the simple reason that they were needing sex or were to drunk to know what they were doing. It s because the realationship isnt working. every cheater knows that they are cheating. If you forgive a cheater they may be faithful for a while but they WILL cheat again. they got away with it before and they will continue to cheat until they are dumped.
When a lover cheats it is heartbreaking. and to ease the pain you may forgive the person. forgive them if you can but END the relationship. If you dont you will just prolong the pain of a bad relationship.

zero tolerance!
 SexyandBrainy
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 146
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/23/2005 6:17:00 PM
NOPE, never! I can forgive a lot of things but that is a deal breaker and I don't care what the excuse is or how in love I am with the guy, if that happens BUHHHBYE!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 147
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/23/2005 6:59:29 PM

(Msg 230) Fourth, why only when it comes to cheating is someone supposed to get a free pass? Last I heard the person who embezzled once was an embezzler, told a lie was considered a liar, committed one rape and was considered a rapist……where does the one ‘pass’ come from?


The "pass" comes because sex is a natural drive. During adolescence one does have wet dreams about being an embezzler. One's body/brain does not change and cause one to think about lying.


Third, I believe part of being a “spouse’ is the dedication of a monogamous relationship (definition of spouse to most people) and once the cheater reneged on this arrangement, how does that make the other person the ‘failure’ at a long term relationship?


And part of being a spouse is the understanding one will have sex with their partner. Affairs are about sex. If they were not about sex there wouldn't be any problem. If a person is getting sufficient sex at home the chances of them having an affair are slim. If they are not getting sufficient sex they will look for it. We are programmed to have sex. It is an innate drive. One can not deny their partner sufficient sex and expect they will accept it. It is unnatural. If one does deny their partner sex then, yes, it is their failure to provide adequate sex.

People who reduce sex in a relationship, whether due to their job or other activities, risk the chance of their partner straying. Just as "spouse" is synonymous with "monogamous relationship" it also means I am your only provider of sex so I will ensure you have an adequate supply.

If there has been one article written about couples not allotting time for sex there has been thousands! We live in a rush-rush world and just as people grab fast food to satisfy their hunger because they are too tired to cook when they get home they grab affairs to satisfy their sexual needs.

It's time couples took sex seriously because it is. If one does not make time for their spouse someone else will.
 SexyandBrainy
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 148
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/23/2005 7:11:32 PM
^^Excellent points. Why was marriage invented again? LOL I think people's attraction for one another expires or at least becomes routine so it's inevitable that sex is going to go down in a relationship, or it can keep going but will it be good? I mean is having a non-enjoyable release better than no sex at all?
I dunno perhaps we just were not meant to be with someone for SOOOO many years, LOL but if you choose to do so then live by your commitement and accept that relationships are going to hit peaks and valleys and you can't run out to get laid every time you hit a valley.
I am a strong believer of "learn to deal and work on it or get out" there is no happy medium when it comes to having sex with other people. Also you cannot threaten your partner to go out and do other people simply because you are hitting a dry patch, there are many reasons why people's sex drive goes down in a long term relationship.
 look in
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 151
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 1:08:14 AM
Good morning
It is Christmas Eve

look up and around and think what is really important
and ask yourself "how can you not forgive?"

Merry Christmas
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 152
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 3:44:39 AM

(Msg 234) And I really do mean this respectfully, but there are SOOO many people who contribute in their marriage to a happy sex life only to find out years later that their spouse has been cheating the entire time, that I just can't agree that this is a main reason for cheating.


I suppose there are some who cheat from the very beginning but most affairs seem to happen after the relationship has been established for a period of time. While there is no guarantee one will not cheat a reasonable precaution would be to include plenty of sex in the relationship.

I find it strange one's excuse for not participating in sex is "I'm not in the mood". Imagine if one's partner used that excuse for avoiding other expected "duties".

I didn't pick you up after work because wasn't in the mood. I didn't do the laundry because I wasn't in the mood.

I think some people consider sex something they do when they feel like doing it. As Sexyandbrainy writes, "Also you cannot threaten your partner to go out and do other people simply because you are hitting a dry patch,..." In my view a dry patch is not an excuse to stop sex anymore than saying a dry patch is a reason to stop doing the laundry.


and if in fact you are forgiven but you cheated because of the sexual situation, why would you think you could fix the sexual situation?


Because the effort involved in sexually satisfying one's partner is not that big a deal. It takes a lot more time and effort to prepare and cook a dinner or do a few loads of laundry what with sorting the clothes and going up and down stairs to the basement every time a load is finished to putting away the washed and dried clothes.

In the spirit of forgiving it might help if the person having been cheated on asks themselves if they freely gave of sex. Was it something they participated in wanting to please their partner or something in which participation depended upon their being in the mood?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 154
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 7:37:34 AM
Why should the cheater leave if the reason was lack of sex? Why doesn't the denier leave?

What type of diccussions are going to take place?
I'm tired. What's to discuss?
I have a headache. What's to discuss?
And my all-time favorite I'm not in the mood.

When that becomes a pattern the person has already made up their mind. Fidelity is expected because sex is expected.

As someone mentioned the frequency of sex slows down as a relationship progresses. What would happen if other things compromising a relationship slowed down or became less frequent? One partner stops talking to the other. Instead of dinner seven nights a week it falls to four. They aren't in the mood to go out with their partner anymore.

If sex becomes less frequent and both partners are happy, that's one thing.
 RasIsephI
Joined: 11/24/2005
Msg: 156
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 9:47:15 AM
Allright so here goes. when i was 16 years old i kissed my girls best friend. yet me and my girl spent 9 more years together. I never touched another woman while we were together after that one night so long ago. we split up a few time you know the normal relationship thing, and than I was with other but we always got back together that is until the last time. when she cheated on me for the second time thins time with one of my closest friends. Cheating is a hard thing this time she left me for him walked out on our daughter and has spent almost no time with our child for over a year now. She has another baby from him now and he left her so now she has got everything back that she gave I only feel so sad for my little Princess because she really desirved a mother that really want to be there for her. Oh well She knows that she has a father that will never leave her side. All this from cheating. I could almost go back and say that if i had not kissed her best friend all those years ago it might be different but this issue has a way of affecting a relationship. however I dont really believe that a 16 yearold boy kissing a 16 year old girl can even be considered cheating at this point in my life. i know I will never do that again because the pain I went through both time that she cheated on me was more than i ever want to bear again and i could never cause that to someone else.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 157
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:39:28 AM

(Msg 241)What is the first thing people say when a man physicaly abuses a woman,there is no excuse for it it dopesn't matter what she did and they are right,likewise there is no excuse for cheating which is also a form of abuse.I am in no way comparing the two just saying that there is no excuse for willful abuse of any kind in a "loving" relationship.


I agree there is no excuse for any kind of abuse and limiting/denying sex in a monogamous relationship is abuse. An affair, under such circumstances, is dealing with the abuse.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 159
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 2:43:53 PM

(Msg 244) I was in a relationship for almost three months pretty much living with the guy (at his suggestion first) I always initiated sex, he barely participated and he was even rude enough to call me a “horn dog” if I touched him first. He made zero effort and he had all the “I’m not in a mood excuses”…..however he was sleeping with someone else when I wasn’t around, so your theory could not be more flawed.........….he wanted to have his cake and eat it to


Obviously, if he refused your advances he wasn't having his cake and eating it, too. He was just a jerk!

I'm sayimg IF sex is denied then one has the right to find it elsewhere. One depends entirely upon their partner for sex. It is unconscionable to deny one's partner sex unless there's a legitimate reason and not being in the mood is not one.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 160
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/24/2005 3:48:31 PM

(Msg 244) Also this forum asks about cheating once and I believe you chimed in because so many people said "once a cheater, always a cheater". (If I have you confused with someone else there I apologize) ..if sex is so bad in a marriage I doubt the person has slept around only once....and it turns out in my case, this mans live-in girfriend of 4 years, left him for the same reason...


If the majority of people cheat for reasons other than sex why do we not hear about elderly people cheating? It seems to me once the sex drive diminishes people stop cheating. How many people in their 70s are running around on their spouses?
 a_vamp
Joined: 4/24/2004
Msg: 161
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:00:43 AM
Q: Can you forgive a ONE TIME cheater?
A: Huh? This specie actually exist?!

Forgive - Sure.
Forget - Forget it... who'm I kidding?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 162
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/25/2005 10:01:15 AM

(Msg 248) They finally learned how not to get caught.


Isn't life ironic. By the time people learn how to get away with it they're too old to do it!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 164
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/25/2005 10:23:56 AM

(Msg 250) If you think sex drive diminishes in your 70s, you should meet more 70-year-old women...


Well, my Ad does say, "If you're retired and looking......"
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 166
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:10:14 AM

(Msg 252) we did in fact have sex a few times, but the rest of the more than 40-50 times we saw each other he was “too tired or not in the mood”…he had a woman living with him for the companionship and the sex when he wanted it when it was convenient (me) and sex outside the relationship from someone else…(apparently because no one else would live with him)

So I’m sorry to burst your bubble by completely proving your theory wrong that people only cheat when they aren’t getting the sex they want “at home”. Many times, they want EVERYTHING; sex with the person they claim to be committed to, and sex with anyone else outside of that arrangement that they meet and want to have sex with


Perhaps my rephrasing will aid in your understanding. He wasn't getting the sex he wanted. That is the reason he only had sex a few times out of 40 or 50 opportunities. Any man interested in only sex will have sex with his partner and sex with others. When a man, interested in only sex, refuses sex with his ready and willing partner there is a high probability there is a problem with the partner. And to clarify another error I did not say people only have affairs because they are not getting sex at home. I have said that is one of the main reasons.


So please stick to the original question and/or go start another...forum because that is not what this forum was about,


You are not the author of this thread so it is not your place to judge the validity or usefulness of other's comments with respect to it but all is not lost. Do the words overbearing and controlling ring a bell? It certainly explains why a man interested in sex only would refuse your offer and look elsewhere.

Before you start beating up your keyboard I'll connect the dots for you. The OP wrote,
Has anyone ever been in a loving relationship and find out someone cheated, during a fight, when drinking or in some other capacity. Did the relationship survive? If so, how do you get past it?


I knew a couple who got past it for at least two years until I lost touch with them after moving. Or in some other capacity? The wife was controlling and overbearing and drove the guy into the arms of another woman. Counselling resulted in her toning down her superior, arrogant attitude which was the catalyst for the affair.

The reason for the affair has a direct effect on whether or not a couple can move past it and denying one's partner adequate sex or being overbearing and controlling, making sex with one's partner about as enjoyable as a trip to the dentist, is not the same as one simply running around. Deliberate acts/attitudes displayed with the intention of influencing one's partner not to want sex is no different than denying sex. It's sort of a passive/aggressive version.

So, yes, people can move past it if they have been and are willing to accept their complicity in it.

Happy Holidays, Amberzamber. Regardless of our individual circumstances we can both be thankful we are not in a relationship with each other!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 168
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 8:22:51 AM

(Msg 256) Well, guess what? She did it again.


How much time had passed between affairs?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 176
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/28/2005 3:55:36 AM

(Msg 266)….if you've never cheated nor been cheated on than I am confused as to how your posts answer the POF’s question.......... We are assuming that the POF is not the cheater, and she would like an honest answer as to whether or not anyone has forgiven the cheating person, and if so, has it ever worked out for anyone when they did so?...


I have related the story (Msg 255) of another couple I knew who were together two years after the affair showing it is possible to work it out. I lost contact with the couple after that.


Oh that's right your married but on a dating website to only meet women..or did you change it to say your just lving with someone?


Once again, you are incorrect. I have never said I was married and I am not married. I live with my partner. We have both agreed marriage is not a good financial move.


Oh yeah you have all the reasons someone should get a "get out of cheating free card".........nice try Dave, but your points are still not valid.....


Like anything else there are multiple reasons for an affair. Considering the major concern is the sex involved that is the issue I am addressing. If one is withholding sex then it is to be expected their partner will look for it elsewhere. As for your opinions on my posts they will be given all the consideration they deserve.
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