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 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 177
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?Page 4 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

(Msg 267) Sometimes I think we take this 'cheating' so harshly, like it is the end of it all, because we see our partners as our property.


Exactly!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 179
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 3:40:25 AM

(Msg 270) in one sense we do in fact own our partners and they us, we agreed to this in front of God and man and agreed to forsake all others...it was a mutual decision to give ourselves over freely to the other person


Exactly and many affairs are the result of one not giving ourselves over freely to the other person. I've even heard people use excuses like "Not in the mood."
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 181
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 7:13:49 PM

(Msg 274) What I am curious about, how many people were cheating before they found out their partner/spouse was ??????


Ahhh, good question. I'm curious about how many people made excuses for not having sex...too tired, upset at some slight, not in the mood....then go wacko when they find out their partner is getting it somewhere else.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 184
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/31/2005 3:02:50 PM
^^^

Didn't it turn you off even contemplating his friend was using his bed?
 MD1983
Joined: 9/3/2004
Msg: 190
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 1/26/2006 2:26:37 PM
I guess it would depend on the person and the situation and what happened to cause the problem, but I usually say once a cheater always a cheater but people can change.
 kkl1983
Joined: 2/26/2012
Msg: 195
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:09:53 PM
I think that you can forgive a cheater.

My ex and I were together for six months when he went to cuba and cheated on me, incidentally I met him off pof.

He told me about 2 weeks after we broke up, and I was angry with him and put him through hell for a long time, including threatening him (with going to the media), was going to go to the media about some other stuff that he had done through previous relationships, I went through something 2 of his previous exes had gone through.

Sometimes love is really messy and its hard work and its not always a fairytale however its possible to come out on top (so to speak). After a year or 18 months of not talking I got back into contact with him, as circumstances in my career changed, and I also wanted to tell him in person that i forgave him for everything that went down.

It also can be a maturity thing between two people to. What Im saying is sometimes in life you dont know whats going to happen, and if you love someone and are willing to be open with each other and talk about things it can work again.

Actually leave the country in about 8 weeks (canada), so Im not sure whats going to happen with this guy and me, as we are not together at the moment... however relationships take time and work, and either way Im good with just having this guy in my life.

Change is possible, and i love this guy with my entire heart.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 196
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:16:59 PM
Eventually, some girl is going to try nude skydiving. Now, some guy who is a nudist is going to go outside that day. Maybe he had a very sheltered life, so he sees some girls walk past in insanely tight clothes and he gets a little interested... So he decides to lay down and ..... So then during that, the girl who was nude skydiving, ends up landing PERFECTLY onto the nudist.

Until that happens, you don't accidentally have sex with someone else. It was intentional, and whatever triggered it that time WILL trigger it again.
 kkl1983
Joined: 2/26/2012
Msg: 197
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:25:53 PM
I dont share your opinion.

Forgiveness is powerful.
 southernebella
Joined: 3/21/2012
Msg: 198
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 8:27:22 PM
depends what kind of cheating is it an emotional cheating like he was getting close with someone falling in love with someone giving money to someone and time like a whole other girlfriend OR was it like a one night stand or friends with benefits thing if its the latter who cares if its the first one that is a real real real problem if its a one night thing you can give him the cold shoulder but i wouldn't break it off
 victoriasecret329
Joined: 6/23/2010
Msg: 200
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 9:50:30 PM
I can forgive once and twice but not many times..
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 201
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 10:15:06 PM
no; I have a one time rule. You cheat, you are done. I dont care what the excuse.

I'm not going to follow the person; I'm going to trust them. Break that trust and it's like breaking glass. I'm not a cheater so I expect the same.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 202
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/4/2012 10:15:38 PM
P.S. Also RARELY is a cheater just cheating one time or just with one person. Most that cheat have been doing it a while and they do it often.
 awesome71j
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 203
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 1:46:17 AM
Yes of course I could ,as long as she didn't enjoy it, and there was no cuming.
 Angelsbigheart
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 204
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 1:50:25 AM
IMO there is NO EXCUSE for cheating!! Period!! And if they are the type of person who would cheat ONCE, odds are good that they would do it again given the right circumstances!! :(

Cheating is a cowardly act!! The way I see it, if you are considering cheating you have one of 2 choices in my opinion!! 1: TALK to your partner about the problem that is leaning you towards wanting to cheat and work it out or 2: BREAK UP!!

I see no need to cheat on someone ever!! You're an adult... if there is a problem TALK about it!! If you talk about it and still can't resolve the issue(s) then it's time to move on!! Life is too short to be with someone who does not make you happy!! :)

Good luck!!
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 205
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 2:52:21 AM
Forgiving the cheater, sure. That is something you have to do for yourself. Carrying a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.

Whether I would stay in a relationship with that person? Not sure, that would depend on the particular circumstances. If he'd lied to me on top of the cheating, I think the trust would be gone so a continuance of the relationship would not be possible.
 UniquelyPassionateCandy
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 206
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:23:06 AM
I have learned that it's never a one time thing.....Because what happens when things get complicated again? Or if that person drinks again. That temptation will always be there. Cheaters will always cheat again. So, no I could never forgive that or forget it.
 friendlygirl63
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 207
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:43:35 AM
it can forgive but all will different befored..when glass broken you maybe fix it but you will see rift there all time..isn't?
 Tech-Romancer
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 208
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:57:10 AM
"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Heh, I don't actually believe in that saying. I think it's simply a poor, sweeping, and cliché generalization that ignores the nuances and circumstances under which infidelity occurs. It isn't right, but cheating happens for a variety of reasons that unique to the situation. And sometimes, a person can be put into a compromising situation that they normally wouldn't subject themselves to. People make mistakes all of the time, especially in relationships, but that doesn't mean that they can't learn from them. And this is coming from someone that's been cheated on in the past. However, there are a lot people out there that never better themselves from said experiences and continue to engage in selfish, hurtful behavior.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 209
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:57:52 AM
The real question is whether the offender (the one who cheated) is able to admit their error, come COMPLETELY CLEAN, sever ALL ties with the person who they cheated with, and actually LEARN and CHANGE. If (and this is a huge if) they can do this, then the relationship can heal and grow.

The trouble, as I see it is...
1) The cheater rarely sees what they did as uncategorically WRONG. They usually have some sort of excuse to explain away why they did what they did, and that excuse is usually you. So long as they have an excuse, they will almost inevitably do it again. So, if they cannot come to grips with the fact that THEY were responsible and that it was WRONG, the relationship has got NO chance.

2) The cheater is usually pretty good at lying and hiding secrets. That's usually part of the game for them. If they can not come absolutely clean and answer whatever questions...no matter how painful they might be... YOU might want to ask, then forget it.

3) Beware if the cheater keeps ANY ties with the person they had the affair with. If he/she is on their "speed dial," if he/she is still talking with them as "a friend," hell if they are still working with the person they had the affair with... RUN, don't walk but, RUN. Part of restoring trust is that the affair must be disclosed and OVER.

4) Both of you have to be able to LEARN and CHANGE. Patterns repeat themselves.

Forgive someone who cheated on you? Absolutely. Trust them again??? That's tough. Forgiveness is something WE do for ourselves. I like the reference to drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Mark Twain once opined that "Anger is an acid that does more damage to the container that holds it than to what it is poured upon."

I know marriages/relationships that have survived infidelity. It's pretty rare. My marriage certainly didn't, because my ex-wife didn't want to do HER work to address her infidelity. She still doesn't think it was "wrong," it was all my fault she had the affair. I really loved her... It will hurt in some way until I die.

That's what infidelity really does. It leaves a big, deep scar.
 PaminSD
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 210
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 6:20:29 AM
Nope. Would never forgive someone for that. Being drunk or in a fight is not an excuse to cheat.
 TallTony40
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 212
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 6:42:04 AM
If someone thinks so little of you they will cheat on you, then its not worth saving! move on, no excuses can change the fact that if you are really into someone and they are willing to comit to you, you don't and wouldn't cheat on them!
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 214
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:17:21 AM
I've never been in that situation, but hypothetically, my reaction to cheating would not be anger, but worry about what it means for our relationship, that she's not happy with me and all that.
 Neptune74
Joined: 2/16/2011
Msg: 215
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:44:32 AM
There is massive personal and cultural component to forgiving cheating. The personal one is more or less self explanatory.

On the cultural side, look at France for example. In France infidelity is seen to somewhat be able to keep a family together. It's seen as a valve for relationship stress and pressure and filter of lustful behaviour this is seen to keep families together where in the states or northern Europe the family would dissolve with all it's drawbacks. It's seen as you stay married to the one you love, not leave and start over with someone you briefly lust.

It doesn't mean everyone cheats all the time in France. If you engage in a loving relationship and expect it to last 40 to 50 years with the love, feelings, passion, compassion and lust for each other to be strong through out all those years with no strong feelings or lust for other people for all those years... well then most of you are in for a big surprise. The French way of cheating is seen as to smoothen out bumps and release pressure in that 40-50 year journey.

Compare this to the northern European way which is a start-stop, broken continuum, split families , new starts (often rushed), mixed family bonds way of life. It's clear that both has their pros and cons. Without putting my own views in to the mix I would say though that those of you who say family values are really important to you. You should consider the French attitude if (I hope it on noone) there is cheating in your relationship.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 216
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:51:37 AM
I say "BS" to the idea that cheating/infidelity is the "result" of other problems.

You have lots and lots of options if a relationship isn't working. You can...
...work on yourself to address what in you is not happy.
...work with a couple's/family therapist to address what's not working between the two of you.
...end the relationship and "move on," knowing that you might be single for a time.
..."put up" with whatever is bothering you and realize that life is never perfect.
...confront your partner/spouse and change the dynamic.

Cheating/infidelity is an attempt to AVOID any of the hard work or the possibility of being alone. It is a CHOICE...and only one choice among many.

And it doesn't reflect so much on you, but upon the character of the one who decides to cheat. All this crap about "Well cheating only happens because the relationship isn't good" and "that she's not happy with me..." is exactly that... CRAP. All it does is let the cheater "off the hook" for their own actions. It's time to grow up and own your own issues and let others own theirs.

That being said, mistakes do happen. Sometimes somebody does cheat ONCE (or in a single relationship), because of poor judgment or being overwhelmed by stress, or whatever. It DOES HAPPEN. No person is perfect. Relationships CAN SURVIVE infidelity, but ONLY if the fault is admitted and the underlying issue can be addressed. Someone who says "Well, I didn't have a choice..." or "It's all your fault I cheated..." is NOT dealing with the problem and in fact will probably cheat again.

I think it's rare, but I have known marriages...long and happy marriages...that have survived a one-time affair...and have actually gotten better because, instead of avoiding the issue, they finally got real and confronted what was going on... AND WORKED ON IT.

The trouble is that people and relationships are disposable in our modern consumer culture, so the minute it "no longer works for you" the impulse is to throw it away...whether by cheating or just plain walking away from it. But at least "walking away" from a relationship has a consequence--you may be alone for a time--whereas cheating is an attempt to avoid all negative consequences at all.
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