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 tlcme1964
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 217
Can you forgive a one time cheater?Page 5 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Sure, you forgive, give the benefit of the doubt & move on. Be wary of the pattern "your fault" for their behavior though & bolt if you sense it. You'll find yourself avoiding confrontations & doing or not doing things for fear of giving them reason to cheat again.

Also, what you listed seem more excuses than reasons, none of which justifies straying. Every couple fights & drinking or other circumstances seems more to be situations cheaters put themselves in.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 219
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:24:21 AM

Why not dispose of a relationship if ones not happy.Very seldom do people change who they are as a person to conform to anothers liking and i wouldn't agree with it if they did.Some people are just not meant to be together.Unfortunately,in many circumstances both parties don't realize this until they are in to deep.And i don't care what anyone says a shrink isn't gonna fix that.Why go thru years of crap and unhappiness when we can walk away and find what makes us happy?It makes no sense!My ex and i went to counseling and all that nonsense.Worked on things forever and i still wasn't happy.A month after i left her i woke up and said to myself why did i not do this long ago.Lifes to short!


Why not dispose of a relationship, if one's not happy? Let's see:
1) because we're talking about PEOPLE here not cars, shoes, or some other commodity.
2) because, generally speaking, we are responsible for our own happiness, not someone else.
3) because if you're not happy, simply moving to another relationship is not magically going to make you happy.

People are not put on earth to amuse or entertain you. You want something to amuse or entertain you, go get a dog, or some fish, or a nice plant.

Besides, this discussion isn't really about "disposing" of a relationship, no matter how much that makes me shudder. It's about whether or not to forgive a person who cheats.

I'll leave it at this: obviously you and I have very different ideas about what the purpose of relationships are. I wish you luck in "finding what will make you happy."
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 220
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:28:18 AM
I forgave a one time cheater.

Then she did it again,

And again,

And again,

Unfortunately, it took a while for me to discover the last 3. I will NEVER make that mistake again. Once and you're gone!
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 221
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:33:45 AM
Is there such a creature as a one time cheater? Speaking only from personal experience I know of only cheaters who have cheated multiple times, usually with more than one person.
 edward110872
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 222
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:57:20 AM
I forgave and wish I didn't. The relationship lasted a few years later then we broke up.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 223
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 10:12:51 AM
My experience (from both sides, cheater and person being cheated on) is that you only cheat when something is wrong in the relationship. Or when (on some level) you are dissatisfied with your partner. it doesn't matter how drunk or wasted you are, there's always still a conscious choice that you want to do it. I don't believe that a cheater will cheat on everyone, certainly with my own experience when I learned what it was to be in a relationship where I really genuinely 100% was into the other person I never considered cheating, and now if I were ever to find myself tempted again i would be taking a very long look at myself and the relationship i'm in already.

However... I wouldn't forgive someone who cheated on me, because even though they may well learn a lesson about the damage cheating does... I believe that the reason they chose to cheat will still be there, whatever that problem is. i think if you cheat once on someone then it's likely you'll cheat on them again, even if you go onto your next relationship and never cheat again.
 tilark99
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 224
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 10:37:09 AM
Yes, I can forgive a cheater. But I won't give them another chance to cheat on me. I see those as two different things. Forgiveness does not include giving people a chance to do it to you again.

Being faithful is a choice, and not always easy. I am typically slow to make a promise or commitment, but once I do, it means something. I expect the same from a partner.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 225
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 10:51:29 AM
I would forgiven him.

That doesn't mean I would give him a second chance, however. Once a person cheats for the first time, chances are that person would do it again until it becomes a habit.

I couldn't be with a man who can't be faithful to one woman.
 Tech-Romancer
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 226
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 11:02:17 AM
I think people are wired differently when it comes to dating and relationships. Some are wired just for casual relationships (nothing serious), some are wired for serious and long-term commitments, some just aren't wired for dating at all, and some feel that they're capable of intimately sharing their lives with multiple people (polyamorous). Perhaps frequent cheaters aren't suited for the long-haul and keep matching up with the wrong people?
 jackiejc
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 227
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 4:51:28 PM
I think it depends ..always wrong but have known a few people in my life that only did once .And if other than that they are a good person and depends on how much you love them! And only the one they cheat on knows if there was a reason! Although myself no matter what the reason you should end one relationship before you start another ,but no one is perfect and things happen !But in order for it to work you have to totally forgive and put it behind you ,if you are arguing over it weeks after making up it will not work!
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 228
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 4:57:00 PM
I think men will cheat when they feel they can get away with it and have the opportunity. THey are not naturally monogamous. As for the sex addiction excuse, I dont buy that. It is called horniness. YOu may forgive but you wont forget and I think something is eroded once cheating has been exposed. Depends on what sort of relationship you have though.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 229
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:59:09 PM

I think men will cheat when they feel they can get away with it and have the opportunity. THey are not naturally monogamous.


Here's a startling revelation: men who cheat are cheating with women who are participating in the cheating. It's a 50/50 ratio. That means women are not naturally monogamous and feel they can get away with it and have the opportunity.
 Tech-Romancer
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 230
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 6:15:12 PM

I think men will cheat when they feel they can get away with it and have the opportunity. THey are not naturally monogamous.


I know, right? Curse those handsome devils and the women that willingly go along with their infidelities.
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 231
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 6:36:54 PM
I have had many opportunities to enable......


I think men will cheat when they feel they can get away with it and have the opportunity. They are not naturally monogamous.


Don't generalize......
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 232
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:48:10 PM
Don't generalize......


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/10/is-monogamy-natural_n_1087009.html
http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/07/27/ryan.promiscuity.normal/index.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/05/27/AR2010052706046.html
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-x-chromosome-and-monogamy

She's half right. But American society considers it morally wrong, so that's why so many of us fight the urge and stay monogamous.

But you also have to remember, there's modern cultures that a man has multiple wives.

So it's tough. It was generalized a lot too much, assuming that all guys will do it, but it depends more on their moral background. What they were raised to think is right or wrong. In the US, you're a jerk to do it. In some other countries, it's life.

We're very likely programmed by nature to have as many mates as possible, but it doesn't mean we're going to do it. To a lot of us, it's socially wrong.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 233
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:57:55 PM
Forgive? Sure, but the key is "one time". For me, there would be no opportunity for more than that. I have never met a one time cheater. btw, cheating is not restricted to those of the male persuasion.
 Asakura8
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 234
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 6:49:27 AM
Nope, once someone cheats that's done and over with.
 playingindirt
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 235
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 7:02:36 AM
dont do it. ive been there. it doesnt stop
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 236
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 7:28:28 AM
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-x-chromosome-and-monogamy

The scientific American article doesn't exactly say that and I wouldn't call any of those articles anything but a lay interpretation of the scientific literature. The Scientific Americal article even states:

The notion that monogamy is not "natural" for humans has been controversial because some fear it may provide a biological justification for promiscuity. "But it's a fallacious idea that we can infer from what is the case something about how we ought to act," says Erik Parens, senior research scholar at The Hastings Center bioethics think tank based in Garrison, N.Y.

Again, going back to the SciAm article, what the article says is that the difference in genetic diversity between X and Y chromosomes may be explained by assuming that some men fathered most of the children with many females while some men fathered none. That doesn't really say anything about cheating. It doesn't really say anything about monogamy. A guy could father many children with many different women as a serial monogamist.

We're very likely programmed by nature to have as many mates as possible, but it doesn't mean we're going to do it.

Evolution involves two concepts, evolution itself and natural selection. The evolution part is what is responsible for humn's ability to logically reason by virtue of a larger, more sophisticated brain then its ancestors. Natural selection is what is loosely called, ``survival of the fittest,'' although ``fittest'' means whatever strategy ensures long term survival, which isn't necessarily the same thing as the strongest or the fastest or spreading one's genes as widely as possible. It could also mean intelligence to select a single mate more carefully rather than spread genetic material indiscriminently. It could mean a lot of things. Intelligence may not even be a plus from the standpoint of long term survival. Intelligence does give humans the most flexibility to modify any simplistic genetic programming, even if we were somehow programmed to have as many mates as possible.

However, we certainly can't be programmed to cheat. Cheating is social construct and although its exact meaning varies from culture to culture or even person to person, its basic meaning includes some form of deception. It's not just about having sex outside of a relationship. Open relationships do exist, so having sex with many others when in such a relationship isn't cheating. The cheating part involves betrayal even if in most cases the betrayal involves sex. I don't really see how betrayal would be a useful trait in long term survival. Trying to reduce a complex scientific question into simplistic terms involving morality points more to an agenda to justify behavior than anything else.

it doesn't matter how drunk or wasted you are, there's always still a conscious choice that you want to do it.

Exactly. Being intelligent just allows people to delude themselves and rationalize it.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 237
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Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 7:55:34 AM
I can forgive, but our relationship would be over.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 239
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 8:10:49 AM
Once upon a time, I separated from a live-in lover after it became apparent he had "strayed." We attempted to "date" after a period of time and distance had passed. Didn't work. I saw him years later and he seemed to be facing the same challenges in his current relationship. He is a very sweet person, but is trapped in a cycle of his own insecurities and needs. My attitude, when I found out he was with someone else is "better her than me."

I believe this is a huge challenge and it has to be met with the resources of both parties who are committed to rebuilding, not just an attempt to "forgive."
 x_Indomitable_x
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 240
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 8:37:37 AM
well heres my 2 cents,,


My wife cheated,,

but if all you ppl out there say HELL NO kick them to the curb, then your half at fault for the cheater.

#1 WHY did they cheat? thats the biggest thing you serriously gota figure out, 3rd of the time there dogs (man or woman) or there lonely, like with memy wife cheated, i was on the road for weeks at a time. some trips i was gone for 10 weeks.
and the final reason for most cheats, there not getting what they need at home, weather that be sex, or a caring partner, or jsut love has gone, and your more just friends.


#2 depending on the reason we are only human. we MAKE mistakes, sometimes HUGE misstakes. and we pay for them for the rest of our lives. stop an think about how long your with that person, if you have been togather for many years, you going to toss that away? it can be fixed, you can learn to trust again.

If you figure out the why they cheated, you can eather prevent it from ever happening again, or at lest make a good choice to stay or not stay in your partnership. the knee jerk reaction is usally wrong, and the advice of dump there ass, or kick them out get divorced is absolutly wrong. you talk to any marrage counselor an they say the same thing. these ppl do this for a living. (fixing what broke in your marrage) talking is the key!
 optimismfirst
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 244
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 11:31:17 AM
Nope. why give some one a chance who has intentionally done that to you? no way
 FNADude
Joined: 7/22/2011
Msg: 245
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 12:10:49 PM
Once a cheater always a cheater.

And if you claim to be a reformed cheater I suspect it is much like alcoholism - you're always on the wagon.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 246
Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2012 12:46:51 PM

you do one mistake and your fierd
who would you feel????????


Well ... In my grief over being sacked, I would most likely be desperate and not too picky.

I guess I would just reach out and touch the nearest hunka burning love!
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