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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home      Home login  
Joined: 10/21/2004
Msg: 51
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back homePage 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
"YOU" f**ked up. It's over. Toast. His-to-ry. Look in the mirror, say "You blew it," and move on. Your concern at this point is misplaced; you shouldn't be focusing on getting that fat, lazy b**tch back, you should be focused on getting your s**t together and dealing with tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month, next year, and so on. Accept YOUR failure, make adjustments in YOUR life, and prepare for the coming days.
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 52
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/19/2005 11:22:18 PM

To crucify this man without all the facts presented is truly irresponsible and causes all of us to be blindly chauvanistic

You've made it painfully obvious that you don't agree with what the women here are posting, but the common points everyone has made can't be refuted in a situation like this.

Abusers need help. Its not something they DO, its part of who they are ... and it CAN be helped, if they seek out the help. He needs therepy, anger management, and any other course he can get himself into in order to learn to control his temper. He keeps saying that he'll do anything to get her back, yet he stubbornly sticks to all the wrong methods of doing so. Constantly calling her when she's asked him not to is called harrassment. Restraining orders are based on less when it comes to domestic situations.

Only when he fixes the issues in himself should he involve ANY other person in his life. Otherwise, the cycle will just continue.

And before you throw the Dr. Phil and Oprah thing again, I don't watch tv ... I know the cycles and I know the situations from first hand experience, and from councelling and support at womens crisis shelters, which I've been doing for 8 years.

As for the chauvinism involved, there is none. My comments were based solely on the fact that he admitted straight out what he did, and its hard to downplay flat out abuse. There is no justification for it, no excuse or rationalization. Noone deserves to be treated that way, male or female.

Please, for her sake and your own, just leave her alone until you get help. REAL help .. councelling. Something like this takes time. If you are adamant about changing and REALLY honestly believe that you can, then councelling is almost guaranteed to be a success for you. But for everyones sake, especially your childrens, don't compound the situation and make it worse by assuming you can just "change" with no outside influence whatsoever, and by assuming that one month is enough time. It just isn't. Prove to her you can be a better person by improving yourself, and she may reconsider. If she doesn't, as is her right, if she just can't get past the previous abuse, then at least you've improved who you are and made yourself a better role model for your children.

One last thing ... being a role model for your children, may this statistic frighten you a little just to get you into action.

6/10 boys who's fathers are abusive will end up abusing their own partners later in life.
8/10 girls who's fathers are abusive will end up with men who abuse them.

Do you want that for your children?
Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 53
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/19/2005 11:42:40 PM
To the OP, don't come on POF asking a bunch of women what you should do. They have been abused themselves, are scarred, and thus already got it in for you, even though they don't know the facts of your particular case - only of their particular cases. So naturally, they want you to go away and never see your wife again.

But the point of your thread was to ask what YOU can do to get your wife BACK. You didn't ask if you deserve to have her back. Which is the issue they want you to focus on.

So as to your question? I dunno. I have never been married, so I have never lost a wife. So my only advice is to BE NICE and see if she bites. Your behaviour afterwards will have to BE NICE to keep her. That is a given.

IF someone is lazy, then call them that. If someone is fat, well that one is obvious so you shouldn't need to say it. There are mirrors in the house. If she is cheating on you, get the evidence before you accuse.
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 54
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 12:14:55 AM
Do you honestly want to tell me that we do not subconciously know what situations we place ourselves in?

Oh quite possibly, but since our subconcious and concious self very seldom communicate, I don't see how someone can take the personal blame for that one. Now if the person recognizes the abusive character traits from the beginning and still pursues a relationship with the abuser, different story altogether.

As for taking responsibility for your own actions, I think you'll find that most do. Most of the women I support blame themselves to an UN-healthy degree, as I did when I was in that situation. And the councellors told me the same thing I have to tell them now. That abusers come from all walks of life, and they often don't display any abusive or controlling characteristics until after the net is firmly in place, whether its marriage, or children, etc. No, people shouldn't take responsibility for something they couldn't have known without posessing psychic ability.

As for the personal responsibility of remaining in the relationship, that involves the long drawn out discussion about feeling helpless, alone, trapped, etc ... or having children involved, etc. There are a thousand reasons. MOST people do eventually find a way out of the relationship, and MOST of them take responsibility for keeping themselves in the position as long as they did.

The simple fact of the matter is ... whether the victim should take responsibility or not actually has nothing to do with it at this point. There is never a reason or justification for abuse, in any form. The victim recocgnizing their responsibility does not eleviate the abuser of his.

Someone on here mentioned something to the effect of him 'dont taint another princess'

If this was meant in the context of, if he doesn't receive the proper councelling and help before involving himself in another relationship, the cycle will continue and he will more than likely abuse the next one as well, I complely agree.

But to place all of the blame on this one individual is outlandish..

When in a discussion about how he can get his wife back after abusing her, to blame anyone else is outlandish. This one individual has not only admitted to emotionally abusing his wife, but he's done it in front of minor children for a number of years. There is no justification, no reason whatsoever to NOT place the blame on him. I'm sorry you think otherwise, but a victim is just that, a victim. I doubt she wandered into that marriage with prior knowledge that she would be abused. Subconcious knowledge does not constitute awareness of the situation.

was she verbally abused as a child?..If so, then she certainly had a tendency to place herself into positions like this in the future..This guy had absolutely nothing to do with that part in this case

Which has nothing to do with it. Yes, it would explain how she subconciously placed herself in that situation, based on a past history ... it still doesn't eleviate his responsibility or have any bearing on the current situation.

I understand where you're coming from on most of your points and in MOST situations I'd agree with you .... I'm the type that believes everyone should take responsibility for their own actions, and I'm a bit of a control freak about myself in general .. the situations I allow myself to be in and so on. And this is meant in the nicest way possible .. I just don't think you're being fair to people (not women ... people ... men AND women ... men suffer the same issues as women in regards to abuse, but rarely speak up about it) who have been victimized.

Yes, people place themselves in situations like this, for one reason or another, and if they analyze it later, can usually figure out what led them there. This does not mean they should be blamed for the unfair or abusive actions of another person. Only the abuser should take the responsibility for that.
Joined: 11/2/2005
Msg: 56
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 7:58:52 AM
tell her you won the lottery. I don't know how to keep her though:(
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 57
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 9:30:31 AM
@ madscribbler....WOW! I have never in all my 56 years, heard a man who had it together as much as you do!! I fully expected to look at your profile and expect your profession to be "Therapist" or something of the sort...what a surprise to find that it wasn't, but also to find that all this knowledge came to you in only 31 years!!! I'm totally blown away!

I had planned to read all through this, before adding any comments, but when I read your comment, I had to read this before going any further.

It'll be a lucky girl who lands you when you are ready for it, and I'm sure yours will be a "death till us part" relationship. Good luck to you in your search!

If he doesn't read any other responses, I sure hope he reads yours. You've put it in a way that makes it easy for a man to relate to. I also was in his wife's shoes in the past, and I wish someone would've said this all to him. The fact that he hasn't been served papers yet, shows that he isn't beyond hope...if he plays his cards right and follows the advice he's getting here. The fact that she left the kids with him doesn't say much for her...I would've NEVER done that!! (My abuse included physical, though)
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 58
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 10:00:10 AM
Madscribbler is post #55...sorry about that....
Joined: 10/24/2005
Msg: 59
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 11:33:13 AM
ummmm have you seen the burning bed? farrah fawcet plays your wife and you play the****ad in the bed! get a clue kerosene breath!
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 60
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 11:42:46 AM

find it describing name calling as "verbal abuse" dramatic and silly

It can also be described as emotional or mental abuse, which are much worse than actual physical abuse, in the opinion of most people who've undergone both. Physical scars eventually heal ... emotional stay with you forever.

You might find it "dramatic and silly", but the effects of emotional abuse are anything BUT silly. Verbal insults, especially from someone who is supposed to love you and support you, diminish your self esteem and your self confidence, ultimately changing the person you are. If you're told something often enough, you will end up believing it.

If someone hits you, as much as it hurts, the scar will heal with time. If someone calls you fat and lazy long enough, you will eventually believe just that ... and it takes much, much longer to get past issues like that.
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 61
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 12:21:08 PM
For perspective .... you may want to read essenes later posts if you want to try using his words to corroborate your own arguement...... you might learn a little.
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 62
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 2:15:58 PM
Way to go, Lovemore!!! ( msg # 174 )
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 63
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 2:39:17 PM
Its not words you need, its actions. You have to prove that you love her. We can't help you, because then it would be us, helping you with the show. You have to find away from your own heart, because thats what will matter most. I don't know you, and if your a hurtful person I don't want to help you get her back to abuse her more.
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 64
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 2:44:13 PM
I don't recall him saying that the "abuse" was occuring around the kids

It doesn't matter if it happens right in front of their faces or behind closed doors where they can't see it. They know, and they face the effects on a day to day basis. They see the strain on their parents, they learn by the examples set for them by these parents. Children aren't blind ... just because they can't see it doesn't mean they don't know its there.

The worst part is they are the ones who will suffer the most for this .. now and much later in the future when they use THIS as their comparison for a natural relationship.


but there has to be some positives if they still talk and he feels there is a way that they can reconcile their differences.

I'm sure there was, but as he stated, she's told him she can't forget the abuse and wants to move on. What HE wants doesn't mean much at this point, especially if he isn't taking steps to insure that the abusive behavior is dealt with (councelling). It takes 2 for a relationship, and from what he's posted, she's made it clear that she wants better. If he truly loved her, he'd respect that, and give her the space she asked for, while trying to fix those issues in himself. THEN talk to her again. Right now, by continuing to call her and assume a simple "it won't happen again" is going to do the trick, he's fooling himself.
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 67
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/22/2005 8:50:35 PM
you sound like you know this man, and throw him in the same catagories as everyone else who's abused you. maybe he is and maybe he isn't in that catagory. but one post after another after another you repeat yourself as to what he is what he's not good for ect...

instead of a one sided masochistic arguement where you continually bash this individual, don't say you havn't previous posts of yours and this one prove the point, and IF SHE REALLY WANTED SOMETHING BETTER SHE WOULD HAVE FILED THE DIVORCE. reading doesn't accompany you much either.

I do know him ... and thousands like him, and yes, I will bunch them into the same category to some extent because abusers more often than not follow the same cycles of abuse. And it has nothing to do with the people who've abused ME. Yes, I lived in an abusive relationship. But more importantly, I'm a support worker for women just leaving abusive situations. Out of the hundreds of stories I've heard, the key points seldom differ.

And yes, to some extent I'm repeating myself, because he doesn't want to understand this. What I have said through the entire thread, and several other people have said, is that he needs to fix this .. now. Not only for himself, but for his children. He needs help, he needs therepy. He needs to quit downplaying and making excuses (because she was going out with her sister?!?) and WANT to actively change, not just by saying "Ok, I've changed", but by taking the necessary steps TO change, meaning therepy.

And I will say I haven't "bashed" him. He asked a valid question, and myself and plenty of other people answered it for him. What do you think you're accomplishing by trying to make it look otherwise? I'm sorry if you think that telling an abuser he needs to get help is crossing some proverbial line, but that's the only option he should be considering at this point.

As for filing for divorce .... are you kidding me? They've only been seperated a month. In some places you have to be legally seperated for a year before you can even apply, and it costs a fortune. So I'm not sure how you see that as an indication that she doesn't feel its over.

Reading doesn't accompany me much ...? I won't even try to respond to that, since I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, lol.

I don't like repeating myself anymore than the next person .. but allfun, you don't seem to want to accept that issues like this don't disappear on their own. You may think you have it under control, but until you get professional help and learn how to deal with your temper and your jealousy, you don't. For the sake of yourself and your kids, and for anyone else who may enter into your life, get the help you need now. You'll be the better for it, I promise you. The people who really do want to change are the most successful at doing so, given the right steps.
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 68
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/23/2005 7:04:25 PM

Hey, don't listen to this bitter beeach, who's one-size-fits-all advice is not meant to help you.

Oh yes, the personal attacks will definately show how mature your own opinion on the matter is.

And again, the only advice thats been thrown at him repeatedly is to get help ... councelling. I don't care about the other side of the story, it has nothing to do with it. Whether or not his wife had problems is not the issue we were discussing. He asked a specific question, the only specific answer is for him to get help.

I'd say the same to any person who saw a need to use to abuse other people when they were angry, male of female, physical or otherwise.

The only one who sounds bitter here is you. Most of us have remained very calm, told the guy what he can do to help his situation, and the most logical step of getting the help he needs, yet you stoop to name calling and bashing.

You don't care about this guy working things out with his wife. Instead you've decided to get on a high horse and attack him as if he's your former abusive ex.

Ah, you're one of those type that sees what he WANTS to see .. got it. Nowhere did I attack him. To his credit, he admitted to the verbal abuse right off the bat. Myself, and many others, told him that his responsibility now is to seek help for it, and that after he DOES get that help that his wife may reconsider.

By the way, lady, weren't you the fool you CHOSE to be with that ex, when you could've had a decent man.? Don't cry about abusive men when you chose them over good guys, then had the nerve to say "there's no good men left" after your precious screening process couldn't even keep a series of punches from your face.

Now that you're done you're ranting and raving, why don't you try scrolling up to see where I said anything about an ex. You assume an awful lot. Who said I had an abusive EX? I said I'd had experience with abuse. The abuser in question is my husband, who took the responsibility of getting the help to learn how to control his temper. So I know it can be done, if someone wants to change. And we were discussing verbal and emotional abuse, not physical. I don't whine and cry about no good men left ... I have one, thank you.

After your little ranting and raving session, my first guess would be that you've been the guy accused of abuse in the past ... and the chip on your shoulder is visible from here. I'd almost venture to say you need the councelling more than allfun does.
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