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 sammysalt
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 2
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully? Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I think it depends how you would feel if you saw her kissing someone else. She wants just freinds and you don't, so let her see you with someone else first, and then she will know how she really feels to.
 judythecutey
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 7
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 12:04:37 AM
My ex faince is one of my closest friends.. It can be done..But when we first brooke up we did not maintain contact. The thing is are you going to be secretly hoping? ..I know I would be sad too if someone was talking long term and it just ended...I had this happen once..and it is why I no longer dated newly dvorced or (worse) seperated people...In fact, I won't date anyone who has not been divorced a few years. Because that is generally how long it takes to really want to bond with another person.
.You do not have a lot of time invested..She might be a nice person..My advice would be to keep it to phone friends only, if you want to stay in contact..Meanwhile, chat on the phone and go find a woman you love to talk to who is emotionally..and other wise available..and accept this one will not be ..for several years!! Spending time together will only remind you of what you can not have..hurt your self esteem and put a damper on your mojo...My advce ,,,speak to her if you want to and can handle it.do not see her in person.
and look elsewhere..... JMO J
 snowbird1111
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 8
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 12:33:52 AM
Yes I have done it with every single person I have ever dated ( except one), it can be done , and I am not talking friends with benefits either, I am just talking hang out friends, nothing more.

I mean you liked each other enough to date in the first place so there has to be some common interests right ....

and personally I just do not see the value in being enemies or acting like you never met before or losing a friendship over the relationship not working out.
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 14
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 5:48:47 AM
Alright, this has never worked for me in the past, but you fishies have inspired me to write to someone who I miss a lot and would love to be friends with, but I think it was too soon at first for us to try. I'll let you know how it goes. lol If I get kicked in the teeth (which I don't think will happen) look for me on the broken hearts forum.
 Ghostrider1
Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 16
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 5:57:06 AM
I'm in the same boat. It isn't easy, but in the end if I am able to make it work, I think she'll be an awesome friend to have in my life. I wish you the best.
 snowbird1111
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 23
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 3:29:56 PM
BUT... of course there has to be some maturity level
 IS1
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 25
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 4:16:40 PM
Yes Marty, it is possible. It is only possible if you allow each other to leave the relationship with your dignity in tact. That sounds like the case in this matter as you didn't indicate either one of you was involved in an extra-curricular relationship, and she has been honest with you about her feelings. However, it is totally reasonable for you to be allowed time without contact with her until the "sting" goes away. She should respect your request and not contact you. The hurt will go away after awhile and then you can contact her and be her friend. It is a difficult change, but you have to structure your thinking and have a "friends only" mindset. You cannot allow your future actions/interactions with her to be motivated by self-servings purposes or the hope of rekindling the love relationship. If you truly care about her, and you truly want to be a friend you must do this. As I stated, it is very difficult, but that is what a noble, good man would do. And who knows, maybe someday she will want more than a friendship with you again, but I would let her initiate that proposal. As you can probably tell, I'm talking from experience. In a perfect world we would all be with the one we love, however, friendship should never be taken for granted. Good luck and, trust me, the pain does fade.
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 28
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 5:46:43 PM
Does this mean you're free now? :)
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30
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Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/10/2005 7:20:08 PM

She said that she is not ready for the committed relationship we fell into. We get along great and she wants to remain close friend and I would like that also as I love talking with her etc etc. I don’t know how to do that.


Why would you want to? A friend is someone you can count on and it's obvious you couldn't count on her to know something as basic as whether or not she was in love with you.

When I see posters saying they remained friends with their Exs I have difficulty understanding the depth of love they shared. I can see a person realizing they don't love someone and wanting to be friends but what about the other person? Why would a person who loves someone want to be friends with that someone when that someone has stopped loving them? (That's a lot of someones!)

When a person says they love you and want to share their life with you and then turn around and say they don't love you in that particular way and don't want to share their life with you isn't that a major thing?

I guess I take a more serious approach to love. After sharing my most intimate hopes and dreams and having started to build a life with someone who has stated they want to be my life partner and have them turn around and say, "Well, I'm leaving now but I'd like us to remain pals" upon what could a friendship be built? Certainly not their word.

One poster wrote if nothing happened to cause hate between them then a friendship is possible. Is love simply a degree of "like"? It definately isn't to me. I guess that's where the "list thing" comes in. I suppose if someone 'likes" according to a list and as the list is fulfilled the "like" becomes more "like" and more "like" until it's love. If certain things on the list stop being fulfilled it reverts back to "like". Hmmmm, most peculiar.



(Msg 35) it's possible if you don't have regular physical contact with the person. Preferably if you move to another town or even country! Then you can really stay pals.


Do I detect an little sarcasm there????
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 34
yes, twice
Posted: 12/11/2005 4:43:55 AM
I posted earlier that this has not worked for me in the past. Honestly, I've never really tried. There have been times I've dated guys and when it comes time to part ways, I hear the 'let's be friends', and honestly it irritated me. If I'm not someone you want to date, why am I someone you want in your life at all? On the flip side, I dated someone and it was semi-serious, and I was not ready for what we found ourselves in the midst of. I really hurt him, not purposely, and he was a nice man. He is the best friend of one of my best friends' husbands, and I have not one bad word to say about him. I would have loved to keep him in my life as a friend, but he was not having it. Can't say I blame him. It probably does all boil down to the type of relationship you had and if one of the parties' feelings were devastatingly hurt.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 35
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Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/11/2005 5:55:06 AM

(Msg 45) i dont believe he mentioned that they proclaimed their love for each other so i dont get what you're saying?


The OP wrote
How do you go from lots of touching, making love, talking all the long term stuff to being friends.


Talking all the long term stuff and then saying one is not ready for a relationship? Either the person was deceitful or they are emotionally immature. In either case I see little benefit in pursuing a friendship with such an individual. She is just as likely to find another partner and ignore the OP altogether. He's setting himself up for a letdown. Sounds like she just wanted a warm body while she grieved.

In short, her actions and words mean nothing. Making love coupled with discussing long term plans and then saying she is not ready for a relationship demands one to ask, "Who is she?" ""What does she want?" "Who is this person that wants to be my friend?"

Sounds like she is going to be more trouble than comfort.
 dragonbabe20
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 36
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Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/11/2005 6:31:46 AM
Yes, it can work well as long as both parties have closure. If deep down one has even a molecule of hope to revisit a relationship with that person, then NO. If, however, both parties are truly ready to move on...which takes time and distance (the amount of each depending on the individuals and the intensity of the past relationship), a friendship is very possible.. Keep in mind that some people have been "emotionally" divorced or separated for some time prior to the ACTUAL break-up. For that reason I don't have hard and fast rules about avoiding dating people within a certain time-frame of their break-up. Once I dated a guy who had been divorced 6 years prior, only to discover he was still extremely angry and didn't have closure. Time is no guarantee of closure....the person will have had to work through their feelings to arrive at a peaceful resolution of it all...that can happen more quickly for some than for others, depending on how much or how little denial they engage in during the process. Good communication about it will tell you all you need to know.
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 37
Has anyone ever gone from lovers to friends successfully?
Posted: 12/11/2005 6:43:04 AM
Another thing I would find difficult is that the people that wished to be just friends after dating also wanted a friends with benefits type of relationship. That is what irritated me. Why go from dating me and sleeping with me to just sleeping with me? And they weren't really that great as friends, either. One used to fix my car sometimes, but always expected 'something' in return. Sorry for him, but I'm not going to prostitute myself for free labor. I'd be up for making him a home cooked meal and watching a video, but the implied sex got irritating. So how many of you that remain friends with ex's DON'T do the friends with benes? Just wondering if it's a problem for anyone else. And just now reading this, I have to think I may have been a huge pain in the butt to date, or else why would several of them have tried to remain friends with benes? Hmmm. Good thing it's in my distant past and I'm perfect now.
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