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 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 47
X's that just won't give up.Page 9 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
HAve I come in halfway through a newly started thread???...so far its 1-2 pages long and Ive read and re-read. [ just dont want to be jumped on for missing something] but....my question is...

What exactly is this ex doing that defines her as not moving on??? that seems to be the info I see missing which is why I asked the above question

You dont call her very much acording to your posts, so if youre not, then she is???? can we get more detail on what she is doing that is causing the angst for you?
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 50
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 12/12/2005 6:19:54 PM
personally I like opinions that can oppose me when done tactfully - and I will listen to them as it could be something I havent thought of and that is what im looking for .... they just got to have something to back them up

off-topic, but then thats me....
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 52
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 12/12/2005 6:45:42 PM
Yep thanks. She is denial big time [ eg ignoring the fact you have a new g/f] Im not sure I can recommmend anything that someone else hasnt already said - eg the tell her it like it is..and you have ""no intention of coming back..eg move on, date someone else". Tell her she meant something when you were together but that relationship is over.

When I say ignore your g/f, she is saying she is ok with it because she has convinced herself its not real..its just a fling and you will miss her [ the ex] eventually. Trust me I know ALL the BS stories women will tell themselves [ Ive done it myself] just to give hope because we cant face losing someone. So by denial she is refusing the register the significance of your new partner to herself [ she is probably doing this to anyone who knows the two of you as well].

But if this is only happening on the rare occassion [ you said you only contacted her once a year] then it doesnt sound like she is posing a harrassing situation to yourself and your peace of mind, and you may just have to wait it out.

Breakups are like a traumatic event with all the stages. Shock, Denial, Anger Grief then acceptance. I think she is at no 2. Denial.

Its going to take something rather significant to snap her out of it. Either it will be something she does eg gets a new man herself- or something you do eg move in with your girlfriend/ have a baby with someone else / I dunno think of some of the major life things people do - Personally I think when the divorce papers come through, this will be what hits her. When it does register that you are not coming back....eg the divorce papers,you dont break up with your new partner...maybe you and the g/f move in together, I think the anger will then kick in

Unless you want to drop all contact with her, which you havent seemed to say yet you are prepared to do, you may have to ride out this storm

How do you imagine the future playing out. Did you want to try and maintain a friendship with her? or do you just want to move on yourself without having to feel bad and let the past go?.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 67
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History
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 12/13/2005 9:29:48 AM
X's that just won't give up... should be lined up and shot.
 UrbanMyth
Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 126
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 12/14/2005 7:02:19 PM

first of all u seem like an egomanic with a pic like that.
u probably think u are God's gift to women

Just stop talking to her. Each time u talk she is reinforced. U seem to be getting some reinforcement as well or u wouldnt keep contacting her


BINGO...you stole my post...this guy has this problem of having to contact his 'x' every so often. He should just LET HER GO. Don't call to help, don't go over to pick up a dusty CD...he go's over there for alterative motives.

Okay...only reason to call her is for her sign the divorce papers..otherwise..NO CONTACT. Use your brain.
 cuter_than_anyone
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 152
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 12/16/2005 2:18:33 PM
i'm just curious as to what she's doing that's so bad. is it calling, coming over...stuff like that?

i agree with most everyone. cut ties. that's the only way and if you really truly care about her feelings, you'd do it.

caring about someone means you sometimes have to do the hard thing. that includes ignoring her.

this is coming from an ex that had a helluva time moving on. good luck to you.
 Polly_G
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 155
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 12/17/2005 12:32:56 AM

help her let go, but she sees EVERYTHING in a different light...as though there's hope.


You answered your own question here. "You" can't help her let go. Someone else has to or she has to do it herself. You showing you care enough is in someways misleading and confusing to some girls. That kind of effort is OFTEN misinterpreted and gives hope.

I had a guy once who tried to "help" me as well. I had to tell him to stop contacting me. Because everytime he did, he was soooo sensitive and being so gentle with me he was actually preventing me from moving on.

A lot of women, I'm not one of them, will stick around for sheer hope that things will change.

Sounds like you have one of those. If you really want her to let go, you have to cut off contact with her. In my case, it was the person being selfish, they did actually like me and did not want to see me hurt. So they would attempt to "help me" to ease their own guilt.

I'm allowed to get upset and mad over being dumped. Its all part of the process of moving on.
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 190
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 2/2/2006 6:47:06 PM
I have posted in here earlier on....and can add this, Your divorce isnt final yet...give her some time regarding the contact and hope thing. She is going through a transition phase I outlined before. You have found someone and sounds like she hasnt, so thats always tough. However she does need to get onto her life and what you can do - is reasonably explain to her that while you can listen to her, you are not able to see her because of your new r/ship and g/friend and DONT go to help her out with anything. I know its hard because you feel bad and guilty and part of you still cares, but she needs to wean off you and the more you are still there to help her out, the harder and slower it will be. Outline your boundaries and stick to them.

I am not saying be an a----- about it. Just firm and consistent. YEs she will get upset, the more they realise they are losing contact and or control, the louder they yell [ so to speak] but then after that, will come acceptance and some peace for you and your new partner [ I am assuming we are talking about a reasonably normal person who is just hurting from a r/ship breakup and not a psycho or anything].

If you dont go to see her, and dont contact her, she will soon move on.

If you dont do these things, then I am sorry but you will only have yourself to blame that she continues to be around
 luvsya
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 262
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History
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 3/12/2006 4:53:32 PM
i had this problem with my ex i finally just said look we are not friends we never will be so get over it. Uou screwed up leave me alone. We only talked twice after that once to get some stuff signed at the lawyers and once to get the rest of my stuff that was at our old house which i so lovingly noe call the whore house.

From what i have been told he still wants to know who i am with now but guess what it is none of his business.

If you dont care to be friends with her than just stop calling her or going to see her. If you must have contact with her to tie up loose ends than do as much ofit over the phone or email.


that is my advice i hope it helps
luvsya
 luvsya
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 263
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History
X's that just won't give up.
Posted: 3/12/2006 5:28:17 PM
OK, when i first posted i will admit that i didnt read the whole thread. I have read some of it but it is hard to get through all of the bickering, which hey if that's what you are into go for it!...i gave up around page three so i may have missed something important. If i did i apologize.

Nice2cu, i am going to give you a quick version of my story and you can take what you want from the way that i handled it. I was with my ex for 6 years we split up because i found out that he was cheating with strippers (once occasion was in MY car while i was having kidney surgery), i asked him to leave he came after me threats were made the cops came and i ended up leaving. I was moving on quite well. Not ready to date anyone but moving on just the same. I got a phone call about 3 months after we had separated that he was at the hospital and was in serious condition. At this point we had been talking a little bit and it looked like we could be friends if nothing else. He has had a massive heart attack at 28 years old. So after he was released from the hospital i agreed to stay with him for a week or two to help care for him. We were both frightened that something else would happen. We ended up trying to work things out. Well i did anyway, i later found out that he was still seeing other people so i decided that enough was enough. I called him and went and told him that it was over and that there was nothing that he could ever do to change that.

This is where i get into the part were he just wouldnt give up. He called me everytime he was drunk and he would be crying and carrying on that he wanted me back. Blah blah blah
he would tell me on the very few occasions that i had to call him regarding some legal papers that needed to be signed that he thought there was hope.

I met someone else and he knew that but he still called so eventually one night when i he called i just blew up at him and said enough is enough. I am done with this i do not want to be your friend. I layed into him about some other stuff that happened in out relationship when he asked why.

I tried to keep it amicable but he just pushed and pushed and pushed until i couldnt take it anymore. Either you will get mad and that will be it or you guys will decide to be friends or you will just get your divorce and it will be finalized and then you should have no reason to have to contact her anymore.

I apologize for this being so long and ranmbling but i must feel like i have a lot to say tonight.

Good LUCK!!!!!! keep me posted on the outcome.

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