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 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 451
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanksPage 9 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
ugh... done to death.


You respond because you have decency. Many women and men on ALL dating sites communicate this way. Hell, many women and men outside of dating sites communicate this way.


No it has nothing to do with decency. you do not have the right to dictate other peoples behavior. they chose not to have any communication with you. Not one solitary second. That is their right. Just because you chose to communicate withem them does not mean that they are now stuck responding to you. No response is a response. A response of complete lack of interest.

Some people get ten-twenty messages in a day. So they do not log on to POF for three days. Are they now suppossed to spend the next two hours writing 'thank you but no thank you' messages?
Of course not. Frankly, people that have the attitude that they are somehow 'owed' a response to any piece of mail that they send out are out to lunch. You are simply out of line to try and control how other people behave on here or anywhere else. You have your experience here and let them have theirs.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 453
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 9/9/2011 1:41:05 AM

I don't view people on here as direct-mail companies sending out junk mail, these are private individuals sacrificing their own personal time trying to make personal connections with others, it's no wonder we all get jaded so quickly on here when we are confronted with such apathy and cynicism.

I've never understood why people equate someone's attempt to strike up a conversation on a dating site as "junk mail". Anyone advertising on a dating site with a public profile clearly expects his or her ad be answered. This is very different from junk mail, which comes to us unsolicited and most of the time, for something we don't even have any interest in.

We don't OWE anyone a reply on here any more than we owe people a 'please' or a 'thank you' when we deal with them in day-to-day life, it's just human courtesy that we are taught by our parents and teachers to have for each other.

I very much agree. I understand why people choose no response as the only way to convey no interest, but I only use it as a last resort. If someone sends me a sincere and thoughtful message, I will always respond even if I don't see any romantic possibility. Not because I feel I owe anyone an answer, but as an acknowledgement of the time and efforts put into the email. Sure I risk getting into a campaign of hate mails, but so far, no one has ridiculed me for showing common courtesy.

But for the one liner messages with no forethought, I would have nothing to reply to.
 Soul Union
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 454
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/23/2012 1:43:02 PM
What's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks? - Nobatteries


Nobatteries, this is part of the society in which we live now. It is as easy as falling off a log to ignore somebody today. You see it around you all the time, from small issues like this to injured people lying on the street and being ignored by passers-by. Michael Moore did a live 'experiment' about this issue in one of his TV programmes. The AA in Britain did the same. They placed one of their colleagues, a young woman, at the side of a motorway, and it took hours before anyone even slowed down to see what was wrong. This is what we're up against.

As for being ignored here, I take it as a compliment. Writing well-crafted, well-thought-out, intelligent and thought-provoking messages won't get you anywhere. People are looking for the 'hit,' the quick fix, the instant date. And then if it doesn't meet their requirements, you're discarded like yesterday's newspaper - in the bucket.

I receive illliterate, stupid and moronic messages all the time from women who can hardly spell their first name. They struggle to find a full stop, don't know what a comma is, never heard of an apostrophe, and see gossipy women's magazines as literature. Frankly, I hope they continue to ignore me, in droves, because frankly I don't give a stuff anymore. Intelligent and interesting profiles get ignored as easily as the 'empty' and uninteresting ones. There are so many drudgingly dull profiles on here. There is nothing to discuss, unless you like hamburgers, beaches, puppies and "camping in the rain." I've seen this so many times, my eyes glaze over. Puppies and rainbows and sunsets. And the aggressive ones, like two I read this morning: "NOT looking for a daddy for my son." Or: "HATE liars." I recoil in horror and make myself a soothing cup of tea. I would say that, from what I have read here, 99.999999% of these profiles give me chills.

But as my dear old mother used to say, What's for you, son, won't go by you.

I hope this helps. And I hope you find what you are looking for.

Best wishes
Peter
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 455
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/23/2012 5:31:12 PM
No reply IS an answer....!

might help to lower your expectations when sending out emails
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 457
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/23/2012 10:48:45 PM
OP: there is nothing wrong with it at all. i have always responded to each and every initial message i have ever gotten from a woman. i do not let chemistry, or a lack thereof, dictate how i treat someone. there have been a couple ladies who didnt quite take no for an answer and i did quit responding to their messages.

stoneside: 100% true, friend. my thoughts exactly. while i may be disappointed by a lack of response from a woman that i had thought interesting, her lack of response shows that she really is NOT interesting after all. int he end, my disappointment is more directed towards her lack of character, not the fact that she considers me unworthy of a response.
 orange_hill
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 458
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/24/2012 7:22:04 AM
There is another thread under this section that asks if you respond does it convey that you are interested? My answer is yes.


People aren't obligated to reply. But saying "no thanks" or "we're not a match" would clearly state that you aren't interested.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 459
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/24/2012 7:29:08 AM
I would reply even when I'm not interested. Some other dating sites have a "No thanks" button that you click. It will send an automated message to the other person. Having said that, I don't care if I get a "no thanks" response or no response to an initial email.
 c0ffeemate
Joined: 7/23/2010
Msg: 461
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/26/2012 2:54:54 PM

I always respond to e-mails with a "thank you but I'm not interested" note...am I the odd man out here?

With notable very rare exceptions, I do the same. I think it's simply an act of courtesy and have quite often been on the 'receiving end' of getting no response at all after writing an initial message to someone. But it gives the spiders that much more room to set up house keeping in my email 'in box'. Perks ^_^
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 462
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/26/2012 7:20:04 PM
coffeemate: in case none of the men you responded to thanked you for being kind enough to at least respond to let them know you arent interested, thanks. should be more ladies like you out there.
 c0ffeemate
Joined: 7/23/2010
Msg: 463
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/26/2012 7:41:59 PM
I have had a couple gentlemen thank me for letting them know and acknowledging their efforts in sending that first contact. The one I found most humorous however was when I was informed that I was 'too nice to be on the site and would have no luck here whatsoever because of it'. *sigh*
Thank you for your thoughtfulness :)
And now to kick the spiders out of the inbox again, they've really done up the place for Halloween ^^ (spooky lil critters)
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 464
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/27/2012 1:58:50 AM
I have struggled with that issue a lot. I like to answer messages even if to say "no thank you"
Here is what I experience:
First ,rarely does a guy send a well thought out message, but even if he does here I what I go through.

If I answer and say thank you but no thank you, 90 % of the time I will get a rude hatefull message back.
NOW if I just ignore and delete, I don't hear a thing back.
I always believed in answering, but guys don't appreciate it when you do not give an answer as they want. They get rude and hateful. That just is too much drama and negative stuff.
So why answer then? It seems to be a better choice to spare yourself the mean words

I would say if guys want women to answer and say no or yes. THEY should stop saying rude things that they would NEVER say to a person if face to face.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 465
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/27/2012 10:19:54 AM
cashleys: so you become rude because youve dealt with some rude men? i hold myself to a higher standard than that. if you respond with a no thank you and get a rude response, block them. problem solved. honestly, im pretty sure that 90% of the guys on here are just jerks trying to get laid anyway. its those 10% of decent guys who sent a thoughtful answer to you who are really getting the shaft here. not to mention what you eventually become if you let a bunch of jerks online dictate how you live your life.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 466
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/27/2012 7:43:34 PM
No response is a response.
Most won't send you a "thanks but no thanks", because when a lady sends you that, she receives a nasty, hate filled message from a man angered over the rejection.
 kjay41
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 467
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/27/2012 7:48:58 PM
I respond to all emails, but if after saying I am not interested and I still keep getting emails, I then start to ignore them.
 Acehonestlady
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 468
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/28/2012 1:47:16 AM
Writing a well thought out e-mail does not guarantee a reply and it can be seen as arrogant to expect one just because you ‘chose’ to take the time from your day. You cannot expect the women to make the choice you want her to. That can be seen as arrogant and not well thought out.

Do you give presents to people in order to get one from them or to get gratitude from them? If not then why expect someone to reply to you just because you spent time and thought writing to them?
Do you give time to each telesales person that calls you unsolicited? Just because someone has their phone number listed doesn’t mean that have to politely take unsolicited calls. If recruiting staff do you interview all applicants to be polite?

I am not saying this to be nasty but just to get you to put as much thought into your thoughts as you do your emails.

Being on a dating website does not mean we are open to all people that message us. We are there for certain types that we are hoping to meet. We do not have to take time from our day to reply to the dozens of people that message us, even if it is polite to do so. Perhaps you are one of many that made an effort and to reply means giving up doing things in their day that is more important.

Politeness is time consuming and gives false hope. I have learnt that. I used to reply to all messages unless they were obscene. Doing so took up a good couple of hours each day even though many were cut and pastes but some with a small individual addition to personalise it.

Where a man makes an effort I often still do reply even if I have no attraction to him by his looks or personality/intelligence level that comes over in his profile or message. Though the back and forth messages become mundane and replied to because it is polite. I keep hoping he won't raise the question of a date so I won’t have to say ’thanks but no thanks’. Then he asks for a date. I have to then think about how to decline it. I am not good at that. I wish I had not replied to him in the first place and saved myself the hassle. I sometimes get rude replies to my polite turn downs and am sometimes told off for wasting his time when all I was doing was being polite. I had already told him I am happy to exchanges massages buit that is it. That happens A lot.

Perhaps the women that don’t reply to you don’t reply for those reasons. They are being more sensible than I am.

Behind the security of a computer men can be insistent. They can become a nuisance.
It might come as a complete surprise to you but this happens a lot to women. What can we do? One thing is not reply unless we are interested.

The amount of messages men get, from what I have learnt, is far less than that that women get (unless the man is hot to a lot of women). Therefore it is possibly easier for a man to reply to all the ones he gets. Think about it. Would there not be a limited to the amount of message you could give up you time to reply to? Surely you must have other things going on in your day?

One man I met because I didn’t know how to decline his request for date said that he gets only around 10 -15 messages a day from different women, not too hard to deal with if you have a bit of time. He was average looking.


A man that recently messaged me thanking me for being the second woman to reply to him in 3 months was less than averagely looking.

Are you assuming the women that don’t reply get the same amount off messages a day as you do? I bet they get a lot more. Generally women do. If you were to set up a fake female profile taking from Hot or Not dot com a photo of a woman voted 7 out of 10 or above and see how many messages you have to deal with then you might get an answer to your question that you see for yourself!!

EDIT:

here's a message I just got on another site.

hi how are u? liked your profile and wondered if u care for a chat sometime. god love your pictures, r they for real. looking at them makes me want to sin. hey no offence pls. just being honest. love to chat to u sometimes. where abouts r u? im in pinner middx. what do u do in your free time? hobbies interests?

hope to hear from u soon

god bless

-----

Guess if he will here from me? Bet he thought it was well thought out!! Perhaps I am a snob about text-talk in emails but the sin bit?????? Really!
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 469
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/28/2012 10:22:31 AM
acehonestlady: so if politeness is time consuming,, you wont be polite? perhaps it just isnt practical for an attractive woman who gets tons of messages each day to reply to them, i get it. its also not practical for a man to sit around and send out tons of messages each day and "play the numbers game" as i often hear on the forums. thats also why most decent men have given up on this site and those like it.

that message you got was pretty lame, ill give ya that lol. honestly, in your place, i probably wouldnt respond to that one either. maybe its just me, but i think its disrespectful to mention something about how your pics make him want to sin. its just tacky and not something id say, especially in a contact email lol. my guess is that guy was seeing if youd respond to the sin comment and unsolicited naked pics would be coming shortly.
 Acehonestlady
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 470
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/28/2012 10:47:41 AM

that message you got was pretty lame, ill give ya that lol. honestly, in your place, i probably wouldnt respond to that one either. maybe its just me, but i think its disrespectful to mention something about how your pics make him want to sin. its just tacky and not something id say, especially in a contact email lol. my guess is that guy was seeing if youd respond to the sin comment and unsolicited naked pics would be coming shortly.

That has so often been the case when I have replied to those types. Though there are the ones that aren't like that but are still ones I simply couldn't be bothered with. 'You're beautiful; would you like to chat'. or worse' your beautiful, wanna chat'? I think with the former is lame even if spelt correctly and in adult language. It is like saying 'I've paid you a compliment so you must want to talk to me'. The latter always also makes me think 'My beautiful what?'!!
I have had about 7 of those today, though so far minus the usual phone number!
 dandan7979
Joined: 9/29/2012
Msg: 471
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/28/2012 11:01:42 AM
I cannot, for the life of me, understand why any guy (or girl, although a lot less frequently) would care about about getting a response to an initial contact if there is no interest. I do believe, after a first meet, if one expresses interest in meeting again that is not reciprocated, then a communication regarding same should be made. But, for an initial contact?

Frankly, when I was online dating and sent a message out, I would just as much prefer to not get a response then to get a "thanks but no thanks." Didn't matter any way. Is it rude not to respond? Perhaps, although I don't see it as such. Even if it is, I am shocked at the high emotions some guys (and girls) have towards this.

Who cares what someone who isn't interested in you does or does not do. Focus on those who are interested.

P.S. I love hearing how some guys have in their profiles "please have the courtesy to message me back, even if it is to say you are not interested." Why? Because it comes off needy and desperate at best, controlling at worst. Those guys just significantly decreased their online appeal, thus making it easier for the normal, emotionally stable guys.
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 472
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/28/2012 9:05:56 PM
No response is a response. First of all, when I do send an initial message, I'm not really 'waiting' for that specific person to reply. To me, no response is less of a 'frontal rejection' than a thanks no thanks. Maybe if someone were to send a constructive review of my profile and how to better attract others, that would be useful.

In conclusion, I prefer no response.
 RedCapSue
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 473
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/29/2012 4:39:29 AM
To me no response is a response. The problem with sending a response (not sure if its the same for men and women) is you get a very nasty personal reply about 50% of the time so its best not too but again its a personal choice and if you feel better giving a reply then thats what's best for you. I will respond sometimes depending on the tone of the original message and the tone of their profile. If I think they are hiding nuts for the winter I won't reply ;)

In my experience people who make a big deal out of "needing" some response tend to have self esteem/control issues and really NEED the validation of a reply or it bugs them. (don't ignore me dangit, I'm important!)

I agree with the person who stated that the normal social ettiquete that you would employ in face to face does not apply to this particular situation. These are strangers sending you messages that you have no connection to and I don't think you have an obligation (morally or otherwise) to respond to every single person who you catch their fancy.

Just my view on it.
Red
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 474
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/29/2012 5:32:35 AM

thats also why most decent men have given up on this site and those like it.


And this quite frankly is why many women also don't bother trying to be nice any longer. Absolutely nothing makes my day when I was actually using this site to meet people, is opening an email that was clearly sent out to anyone with a pulse, reply politely and get back some nasty response, using every insult against women known. Exactly how long are women supposed to be nice? What is the magic insult/harrassment ratio before we get to take control of the nasty behavior and block it? Why are women expected to keep taking crap from total strangers just so you dont have to feel frustrated or insulted? Do you not see the irony in your stance here?

Why are women expected to feel frustrated and insulted so men dont have to feel frustrated and insulted?
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 475
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/29/2012 10:38:29 AM
grizzelda: i do think that most decent men have given up on online dating, but i also think that most decent women arent going to be found online either. perhaps i should give you the same answer that women give men on this site, to "play the numbers game" and be nice to everyone until you finally find that one decent guy. i think thats a bunch of garbage. what i think is that people should quit punishing everyone for what some people do. if the guy who messaged you before i did was a douchebag, does that mean i should be treated like one?

if you want my advice, its to quit using online dating. aside from the rare exceptions, the only thing most people find on here is a person to get naked with. if thats what you want, then by all means, keep at it. if you want something more, id suggest meeting men elsewhere.
 DempseySR32
Joined: 8/20/2012
Msg: 476
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 10/29/2012 11:35:37 AM
OP I wouldn't waste time writing a well thought out/crafted message. Just say Hi how are you doing? I'm Jimmy Rustler. Women could care less what you say if you're not attractive to them.
 firefly416
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 477
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what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 12/5/2012 9:08:07 AM
I struggle with this issue a lot. If a person writes me a nice message and I'm just not attracted to him or he lives too far away, I'll write a pleasant message back. I have a very long profile--no I don't want a review. I say in it details about what I do and don't want, including I won't write back to guys without long profiles. Of course, I mostly get messages from men with very short profiles so I know they didn't bother to read mine at all. Depending on my mood I have written back messages definitely bordering on rude listing the reasons I'm not interested which they would have known if they'd read it. Those often do write back rude messages insulting my "book".

Most men I write to don't write back. I doubt I'd feel better if they said "no thanks".

Firefly
 blueeyes2410
Joined: 6/26/2010
Msg: 478
what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 12/5/2012 10:34:22 AM
I myself prefer to get no response rather than an actual rejection letter.

In the beginning I would send out the "thanks but no thanks." only to get cursed out or have men try to argue with me. Like this one guy who I told him he lived too far away (over an hour) and he tried to convince me he was only 15 minutes away. Yeah ok. And sometimes I tell them that our intents don't match up, only for them to say it was some mistake on their profile or some crap. Or just some argument as to why I should give them a chance. And if I just tell them we are not a match without giving them a reason, they respond with "but why??". So I just stopped sending out the rejection letters.

Now since reading all the complaints about people not getting the rejection letters they want, I started sending out the rejection messages again to be "polite." Well, it depends. If they did not read my profile or respect what I am looking for, I don't waste my time. If they sent out a spam message or copy and paste message, I don't bother. But if they actually read my profile and wrote something personalized, long message or short, I respond with the "thanks but no thanks" message again (and make it personalized). Sometimes I still get cursed out but I actually did have a few men who thanked me for letting them know and wished me luck in my search.
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