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Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 42
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessionsPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Ok, I made a great friend in college while I was pregnant with my son and she knew that if for some reason I didn't show up for a class we had together some night, to call the hospital I was delivering in. So naturally, my water broke AT SCHOOL to boot on Monday, our class was Tuesday. I hadn't gotten any calls made and so she called the hospital while I was in the OR having an emergency c-section. My son's father was in the room waiting (only my mom was allowed in the OR with me) and the phone rang. Background is that his ex had stalked us both since he'd dumped her for me and she'd really been up in our business about the baby.
So my friend called and he answered, thought it was his ex and flipped out on her. He yelled at my friend that I did NOT want her to come anywhere near the hospital, to leave me alone and just stop acting like such a child. Mind you, my friend was sitting in our class and the rest of the class waiting to hear the news and she broke out crying after he hung up on her.
I called her the next morning and she told me everything and I had to tell her the truth of the situation. To this day she still teases him about hating on her and it's an ongoing joke. He still turns red when we josh him about it too.

As for things *I* have said... well I worked at Sonic as a carhop for a few years. When I was prego, I was put on light duty, so not allowed to "hop" outside a lot. I was working the bagging area during lunch one day and really feeling ****y. I kept yelling at the cooks for things and in a matter of 2hrs I got teased for asking for them to "give me my f*ing meat", asking "what the hell is wrong with your weiners?!" and demanding they "just f*ing hurry up and give it to me!" a few times.

I have always had a bit of "foot in mouth" disease that tends to sneak up on me at the worst moments.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 44
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:20:09 PM
I've certainly done it myself, but the best that comes to mind reading these is...

A friend's partner at work had dated a cute, sweet, sexy, dumb girl for a few months. After they broke up, she'd still call the office every now and then to say hello to everyone there. They didn't really understand why, but would've felt bad not talking to her, so, my friend said "hi" as usual when she got transferred to him. She excitedly told him, "Guess what, I'm getting married!" He replied, "When's the baby due?"

Then realized he'd said it OUT LOUD...

She replied, "September," and started chattering happily about her upcoming baby shower.

Luckiest break ever in the history of social foot-in-mouth disease!
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 45
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:39:50 PM
This one time my six year old (at the time)brother came up to me, staring at me real weird, and without even thinking I just asked "Why are you looking at me as if you just $hat yourself?" . He had indeed $hat himself...
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 46
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/4/2009 7:59:37 PM

"When's the baby due?"

OMG, I so did that!
I ran into a girl I graduated high school with a few years ago and she'd obviously put on some baby weight. I had no idea when she'd been pregnant so I said "So, you about ready to pop?" She got all upset and told me her son was 4mnths old! I just smiled dumbly and politely excused myself.
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 47
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:06:37 PM
Mine's kind of lame, but it was definitely a foot-in-mouth moment.

My center closes for 1 week at the end of august and one day right before, I was saying goodbye to parent who had a HUGE struggle finding alternate care for the closure. She said to me as she was leaving "Have a great holiday" and what was my automatic response? "You too" as she walks away...she isn't getting a holiday...she still has to go to work...durh! *smacks forehead*
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 48
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/7/2009 10:11:47 AM
Oh, the good old involuntary "You too"...

We've all done it.

Girl: "Well happy birthday man. Have fun at Sea World tomorrow."
Guy: "Thanks, you too."

Movie theater attendant: "You're gonna be in theater 6, 3rd one to the right. Enjoy the show!"
Movie attender: "Thanks, you too!"

The above examples courtesy of urbandictionary; doubtless we all have our own!

I tend to do this when buying coffee on my way to work. In my defense, I am really not awake at this time.

Coffee server: "Thanks for coming to [coffee shop]!"
Me: "Thanks, you too."

Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 49
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/8/2009 3:19:05 PM
Yikes, rockstarjy, hope he healed up pretty well...

I had another one today that I'm sure is universal, albeit with different words in each instance. You know how sometimes your mind is still deciding between one word and another while your mouth runs on ahead?

I hadn't chosen yet whether I was saying "honey" or "baby," and...

Yep, you guessed it...

I said "Bunny."
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 50
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/9/2009 1:39:43 PM
My SO is the master griller in our house - once early on in our relationship, he'd grilled up some burgers. My 11 yr old daughter says 'Wow, you're the meat man! No wonder mom keeps you around, she loves your meat!' We just looked at each other across the dinner table and I said 'Yes, yes I do.'
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 52
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:44:03 PM
^^ OMG, yes. Totally universal.
"Come quick, George got hit by a car, we're at the hospital!"
"Is he okay?"

Sorry to hear you're having to go there again!

Reminiscent of a far less serious situation... I'd forgotten all about this. But it does come to mind every now and then, when something reminds me of it:

Some 18 years ago (yep, and I still remember), I took the commuter rail to visit a girlfriend; we'd arranged that she'd pick me up when it arrived. There was a mild blizzard that night and it was about -10°F outside, with very smart gusts of wind, maybe about 35-40 mph. So I was less than pleased to arrive and see no one waiting for me. I struggled through the storm to a nearby gas station and, with face and ears hurting, eyes and nose streaming, and feet scarily numb, used the pay phone and called her at her house.

When she picked up, I said, "Where are you?"

She felt so bad - she'd thought I was taking the next train after that one - neither of us even noticed what I'd said 'til I realized it later. Boy, did I feel stupid, but we had a good laugh!
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 55
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:52:52 AM
I mentioned to a hairdresser how I liked hair wraps .... on teens, and they were daft on try-hard adults... Yup- she flicked her hair back annnnnnnnd bingo!!

Talking with my SO about girls names we liked. He said he liked Roxanne. I said I really didnt. His daughter's middle name is...???

Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 58
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:53:50 PM
The other day as I was leaving the office. I decided to chit chat with the secretary that I hadn't seen for awhile. She has been missing a lot of work latley due to an illness. So after a few mins of this, I say .....................well I better get out of your hair. (she has no hair due to chemo-therapy). I felt really bad and apologized and left with a red face and my foot firmly lodged in my mouth.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 60
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 10/3/2009 12:03:49 PM
*raising hand feebly*

I have a new one... I can't believe I did this.

A young lady recently related to me a bit about her experience with gastric bypass surgery, mentioning that she needed to return soon to have it adjusted. She is doing fine and is not fazed by the risks of the procedures at all. Impressed with her courage, I said, without thinking, "Wow. You are one gutsy lady!"

Yep. I really did.

I need an icon thwacking its own forehead...
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 62
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:06:50 AM
I play an online midevil war game, with knights and archers and all that stuff. One of our primary siege weapons are "ballistae" but we refer to them as "balls" for short.

One day, a couple of my war pals were talking to each other, discussing strategy and how best to attack a certain enemy player. One had loaned some troops to the other earlier in the day, and during the conversation, he asked the guy, "Hey, do you wanna hold on to my balls for a while longer?"

We couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes afterward xD
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 65
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/18/2010 11:37:29 PM
I was at work, doing technical support, only chick in the room.

The senior on the desk asked how a call went. Server was unresponsive.

"Well, I'd hoped I could get it rebooted but it was very, well... hung." Realizing what I'd said, I blushed.

Senior's response: "Don't do that again."
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 66
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/19/2010 12:39:28 PM
^^ At least you didn't start by saying you'd hoped you could get it up!
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 67
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/19/2010 8:10:48 PM
Very good point ;)

So much computer talk is full of double entendres if you're dirtyminded enough to think about them. I loved the old tagline "Help! My floppy got caught in my PKZipper! ARJ!" (It was an advertisement for the compression program ARJ... but still made me laugh.)
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 69
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/20/2010 9:54:33 PM
LOL on the redheaded stepchild thing. Since I am a redheaded stepchild too. ;)
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 70
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:21:08 AM
First one....I'm an office manager and we had a temp working for our construction company and he had to leave early all the time for court. One day he came in again telling me he had court the next day and I said "Dude, what did you do kill somebody?" He said: "actually yes, vehicular homicide"....OMG!

Second.....just this past new years eve I was at a party and ran into an old friend I haven't seen in years. She was telling me she was getting pretty wasted, and I said "well then it's convienent you have your hair so short, won't have to worry about holding it back when you toss your cookies".....she said...."ya, I had brain cancer last year and lost all my hair!" But she was really cool about it. I couldn't quit saying how sorry I was.

While working in a gas station one of my regulars came in. Middle of the afternoon, said he just got up from a nap. I said how it must be nice to be able to nap in the middle of the day......he said "ya well, I have lung cancer and it makes me tired!" Damn why do I even open my mouth?
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 71
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 8/27/2011 11:51:22 AM
OMG I was laughing SO happy to realize i'm not the ONLY one who does it!! I have a few of my own....... When I was in college,I met a girl (we'd become friends) who was dating this REALLY gorgeous guy...who happened to have a friend...EQUALLY as gorgeous!! She invited me to the party they were throwing,saying,"I told him all about you...he' wants to meet you!" The guy's name was Chuck. I decided to show him right off how charming and sweet I could be..and funny as well as it turned out! I walked right up to him,smiled my best smile,and,bold as brass , said, (in a LOUD voice) " What's upChuck??" Then,ran out of the room! Now,it's hysterical...then,at 18,it was mortifying! Some friends and I decided to go to a restaraunt in the town where we worked at the time,for dinner after work. I had never been to this place,and was AMAZED at how large it was! We were in the back room,where they have a HUGE wall mirror......which I apparently didn't realize!! I said to my friends," I'm going to go look in THERE!" and proceded ........IN FRONT OF ALL THE MEN,WOMEN AND SMALL CHILDREN WHO WERE IN THE BACK ROOM, walk into the wall!! Everybody (me,included!) laughed for a while over that!! We owned a BEAUTIFUL full-blooded Collie we named Sheba. (She was also VERY smart.) My Grammy was telling her to,"Sit,Sheeba.........sit,Sheeba...........SHIT,Seba!" and ALL of us started laughing! My brother Tony then spoke up with," Grammy,I don't think she'll do THAT on command!"
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 72
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:45:09 PM
Well this has been hilarious!....2 trips to the "john" funny......

i inserted foot in mouth and then tried to swallow when i said to my patient who had just been wheeled into the room from surgery.."i know your son has been worried about you, i"ll go get him now".....her reply.."i don't have a son, that's my boyfriend"!

I don't run from trouble and i knew , of course, my next words ...."U COUGAR U!"....had a 50/50 chance of making matters worse, but, i just couldn't stop them.

The floor couldn't have opened up fast enough...
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 73
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/3/2011 9:02:28 AM
New State Trooper was being a scene of a fatality (I was the reconstructionist called to the scene), and I noticed his name plate..(name) with the line underneath reading "Dept of Pubic Safety".

I pull him aside as I walked the scene to get an overall idea what took place..ask him;

"You looked at your name plate today?"

"No sir."

"I think you better, and look very closely."

Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 74
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/15/2011 6:39:43 PM
True story. Art teacher told the class, if you kids would quit jacking off and do your home work, we could reduce the amount of time it takes to teach you how to learn art.
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 75
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/16/2011 10:53:55 AM
I was working at a****s Sporting Goods. Hours were constantly being changed to accommodate budget, other employees, etc. It never bothered me and was grateful to have a job I enjoyed.

I was in the office with the Manager an Asst. Manager and a few other employees – all males. He was making sure I wasn’t becoming worn-down or upset with all the scheduling changes.

My response was, “Not in the least. This is one woman who is completely dedicated to****s.”
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 76
view profile
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/16/2011 6:38:40 PM
^ Another reason why the auto-censor is lame.

I was dating a girl who had lost her husband, who was a vegetarian and so, she hadn't had pizza in years.
One night, we decided to get pizza. I thought it best to eat it at the local Italian restaurant because they had the greatest pizza around and we could eat in: romantic and no cleaning up after.

I was starving. When the pie was placed onto the table, it was only seconds from the oven. Piping hot...steaming.
Not one who enjoys torture, I lifted a slice with the spatula and set it onto her plate and then one for me.
I cut a piece with the fork, blew on it and then commenced devouring it.
She followed suit and we just continued talking and eating our freshly-baked pizza with our forks.

I was still eating when she'd decided she was satisfied and then she asked me, "Do you always eat pizza with a fork?" I immediately dropped my fork on the table, picked up my remaining piece and answered calmly, "No. Why? Who does that?" We actually both thought the same thing about each other, that it was normal.
We both laffed and laffed and it turned into a really fun meal, both of us eventually hysterical from laughing at other things that came up.

The woman running the joint starting clearing tables for the night and when she was close enough, I asked her how many people she saw eating pizza with a fork. She quipped, "None...who would do that?", prompting my date to go bonkers, nearly falling to the floor.
She then went back to the kitchen for a spell and when she came back, she came over to me and said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have answered you like that, before.", to which I said, "Oh, that's quite alright. I was just a little curious". My date giggles.
Then, she follows it with, "I'm always putting my mouth where it shouldn't be."

I look at my date, raise my right eyebrow and utter, "Mmmmmmm....".

I was amazed at how many really funny answers flooded my mind in a matter of seconds. I remember I couldn't decide which was the best.

I picked my date up from the floor and we both limped out to the car, crying with laughter.
To this day, I've never been given another opening like like that.

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